Commentary on a video nobody cares about

 After watching the video by Soft White Underbelly "Three Generations of Trauma- Lynanda, Nikki and Trinity" (which covers the edited life stories of a grandmother, mother and daughter), I have some thoughts. 

Grandmother Lynanda told a story in which she was the victim and she pushed through and now is all about love. Love, love, love. It's all there is. It's all you need, it's the theme of her life and the only thing that kept her going, etc... She was treated like shit/taken advantage of and abused in her very early years on this earth and - turns out - fulfilled the prophecy of continuing the generational trauma. Perhaps not by doing the abuse/treating like shit (of her child/children) directly, but by looking the other way while other parties (that she had welcomed in her/her children's life/ves) did the horrific acts. By letting it happen. 

She tries to cover her lack of courage with this story line about how "we're not so different, you and I" / how she's all about forgiveness of the people who do horrible things. Because I guess she's the Dalai fucking Lama. No cowardice here. Reason for everything. Just don't close your heart, ya know?

This prophecy fulfilling certainly was not addressed in Lynanda's story - only what happened to her. It wasn't necessarily made clear to me until the second woman (Nikki) explained her life in a nutshell. Pretty early on mentioned how she (Nikki) was abused by two men (who L let in to their lives), many separate occasions. When N was explaining all of this, all L did was get rigid and squirmy and silently nodded her head. It took the host of this strange operation to cut in and say something to the effect of "and L, how did you feel about this? Did you not know this was going on?" to which L explains how when she "found out" (whatever that means) about the first guy, she took N to the doctor's office to confirm that it was happening - essentially to prove that N wasn't lying - and followed up by going to the police. L alleges that the police expressed that they "thought it would be a better thing to not press charges at her age. So we didn't do anything further."

L leaves the stage. The floor is, once again, N's. 

N then proceeds with her story, mentioning that she was always promiscuous/from even twelve years old, she can recall times men would tell her how sexy she was. How she would date older guys but "everyone in the world was older than me at that point". Then mentions how she started drinking and smoking pot in fifth grade. And if she's telling all of this in a linear fashion: Jesus Christ. (Bares mentioning that this is the first and only point L even bothers to feign ignorance/surprise by acting out a "whaaa?" kind of scowl toward N. This is in response to the fifth grade partying. Not the twelve year old dating or the who-knows-how-young abuse.)

What I would like to focus on, at this point: 

1. L mentions nothing of the second man's abuse (could this be because it was L's brother this time/a little too close for L's comfort? To have to admit that her own sibling had done this? To have to face exposing him and - in doing so - taint the way he sees her?)

2. L took her daughter to the police and allegedly the police discouraged L from reporting it. Which could happen. But then what? L just shrugged it off and said "yeah, I guess you're right. Welp, see ya! Thanks for all your help and insights!"

3. L says, in the video, the police "thought it would be a better thing to not press charges at her age." She says it in a way that seems as though she could have just shoe-horned that last bit about the alleged denial being "about her" (N) so that L could keep herself successfully hidden. From being exposed as an abuser apologist. Or just downright coward. "It wasn't about protecting me! OR that POS man! It was all for her! And also it was the police's idea, yeah, that's the ticket!"

4.  L feels as though she's covered her ass well enough for the meat of the story. And to stick the landing: "So we didn't do anything further," as she artfully decides to swish her face lovingly to her daughter. WE? You have GOT to be kidding me. Oh so you and your, what, 9 year old child had a conference and came to a decision? About this terrifying thing that you brought onto her? And surely you were anything but persuasive?

It's clear as day. Never questioned a person's character so quickly. And yet, the comments on the video: 

Others go on to say how incredible all three of them are and how strong. I know two things can be true at once, but this is not one of those times: strong? Incredible? Maybe in the way of "Wow, what a piece of work that lady is. Incredible." 

How is it that this can be clear as hell to me but not to the others? Is it just the audience videos like his tend to bring in? Or more specifically: the audience who tend to comment on videos like these?

I know this is a hyper-specific example, but this kind of thing happens all the time. Things are devastatingly clear to me while nobody around me has even an inkling. I know incredibly intelligent people. And I'm not lonely enough to be brilliant, so what IS it?

Some of it, naturally, can be chalked up to how we "believe what we want" in certain intervals. Whether it be to protect ourselves (from truth/trauma or guilt) or just to make things easier (a type of avoidance, perhaps). Not being able to / not allowing yourself to believe something, sure. But what about the astounding remaining mass which complete the percentage of un-knowers? This has bothered me since a terribly young age and I fear I am no closer to the answer. And I can't ask anyone about it because everyone I know doesn't pick up on these things I pick up on. 

Or is it secret option number two: There's absolutely nothing actually going on underneath the surface and my brain is in pieces. Ideas traveling down neural pathways that don't even exist. I would say it's time for therapy, but I don't want to end up in buckles. 

Proof of History

Why is it so heartbreaking to not have someone around who knows your history? Who - in one way or another - grew up with you? Who remembers you when?

I think it's sad in another way to only hold onto people because you have known them so long. Or because you are family. (I have no wish to do this. If people don't align with each other in important ways and are unwilling to change/grow, I think it's best sometimes to separate.)

I have no old ties. No blood family. Certainly no one from high school or earlier - I barely made it out of there alive. (It was really fun at times/a nice escape from home, but I obviously didn't make any lasting bonds / no one who earnestly tries to connect / who I currently see. Just a bunch of people with different lives.) Because of this lack of old ties: It feels like I suddenly didn't exist until my late twenties (when I met my best friend). Like everything that happened before has been erased. But why? I know it happened - I was there! It feels embarrassing to admit that I need witnesses to my past to prove that it happened. Not to mention: why does "what happened" matter so much? I think it's the strangest thing. I've always been so self-reliant and independent - Feels so strange to miss the mark here. 

I'm ever grateful for the beautiful people who surround me - these are the non-toxic acrylics that fill the canvas, that create the art. It's just so strange to say goodbye to your history. And 36 seems an odd age to do it. And this seems an odd way to do so. 

I don't know that anyone will understand the layer and complication to the scenario that led me to lose the last piece of my past, but I guess that happens. Some of these people still have their high school or college friends / their childhood neighbors / every last member of their family. Some of them could even visit their childhood bedroom - left untouched! So this feels very much like "just one more thing" I'll have to go through alone, in a way. But hey, maybe I'll start to forget the other stuff I went through solo since I will no longer have someone to remind me that it happened?

The whole thing just seems strange. But I'd rather have no old ties than have any who don't actually care about me. (I refuse to feel the kind of loneliness one can feel in the company of others.) And now I will have more time to spend with the precious peaches who do treat me well. But as a friend and I like to say: "Two things can be true at once". And this will also be difficult to navigate. 

May 2025 and I'm still writing in this goddamn blog.

Well lordy-loo.

It's been a minute. 

The good news: taxes were a fuck of a time, but I have accomplished them. received my five cents. Avoided prison. Thank you, government. *salutes* And as long as I don't move out of state again, this year should be way easier! I would like to say this is just a silly joke to make, but really: when have I not randomly picked up and moved? Fingers crossed!

I still work at the ol' law firm / loving it / kicking much ass / taking many names / my boss is bomb and my co-workers are bad the bone. I've still been dealing with some turmoil involving family, but at least I have been able to connect with the chosen fam and either bitch about it or remember nothing has to be that big. Or both. 

Came out of April ready to jump off a damn cliff (not really, but you get it) and came into May grounded, grateful, powerful and magnanimous. (April death wishes bring May hugs and kisses, amiright, fellas?)

In a bit of a waiting period with a few things, but it - for once - doesn't feel like being in limbo. It's just waiting. And knowing I can't do anything until the decision is made or maybe someone else pulls a trigger. And completely enjoying the in-between time where I finally don't have to be bloody active. I'll get the "call". Until then: going about my own day and enjoying myself. 

++++++

I didn't get to have my silly little birthday this year. And not in a "it's 2020 and nobody's having their birthday, girl, get over yourself". More in a "man, I don't ask for much and things have been nuts and the one thing I was hanging onto pretty tightly was this stupid excuse to do something really nice / the one of two holidays (I know that's not technically one, but what tf is it?) that I actually care about and look forward to has been snatched from me and not because of something I did / some bad decision I've made"... kind of way. 

But I'm also not a toddler, so I guess I should get over it. I will. Not yet. 
Not pissed / just thrown and bummed (sounds like a fine Saturday night to me, HONEY. ifykyk).

In being thrown, however, I've been jolted into reality. Like when you've been driving on the highway at night for too long and "time travel" / get brought back to the driver's seat by some song or some lights or some car or some animal. And honestly: it's fierce. 

I'm even more awake than usual - and just in time to enjoy not dealing with the mess of shit I was dealing with in December! Hellyeah. Let's hear it for timing. 

++++++

I've got an impending dinner with my sis from another miss and it can 
not
happen
soon enough. 

We were supposed to see each other in April! Nearly a month ago, now, and I'm DYING. It's such a damn privilege having friends like this in one's life. One's nearby. One's in NY. And one will be having dinner with me - God willing - tomorrow. 

++++++

I'm running again! It's real slow-goin', but we're gettin' there. I forgot how good it feels to run out whatever dumb frustrations and have a clearer head (and some endorphins for your troubles).

Maybe I'll go for a run today <3 

December?? Brain Dump

I refreshed our home in autumn and... haven't cleaned a single thing since!

DAMN this bit of the year has seemed devilishly unruly - I assure you in the least sexy of ways. Appointments for me, for my mother, for work. Researching/learning about new stuff for work, for property taxes, for health care. Following up and emergency landing certain things that were well-clear-enough to begin with but some people just like to be annoying/difficult... at work, on behalf of my mother... Trying like hell to connect with N & E in between also trying to not get sick / hydrate well / sleep well / eat well / don't drink / don't smoke... as much.../ keep up with yoga but also skipping yoga class when I'm feeling overwhelmed and like: if my body has to enter and exit one more bloody establishment, it will surely wither away and perish before thine very eyes.

Everything feels very good and lucky, but far more adult than I was ready for. 

It was nice to have a proper family gathering with N's fam for Thanksgiving and it'll be just as nice to go back and visit for Xmas. I have actually quite gotten into the spirit of Xmas this year via decorations from the Dollar Tree & Dollar General. Cheap and lovely. Just like me. There may be no logical place to house the twinkle lights, but dammit I had fun. And it does add a certain coziness. Best of all: there isn't much to it, so I'm hoping it won't be a behemoth of an undertaking to put it all away before next year. (And if some gets ruined throughout the interim: everything was a dollar. The activity of decorating was more than worth the price, already.)

Small victories: 

    *    I have started planning out my meals well (again) and packing a lunch box for myself for work! It's already saved me money I surely would've spent at Forage last week. Let's see how long I can keep it going!

    *    I have started drinking coconut water (thank you, N, in all your wisdom & glory) and have found a relatively affordable hydration powder with no fake sugars to plop into one of my glasses of water for the season! And thank goodness - all the forced heat, environmental change and seasonal dehydration was rearing its ugly head, for sure. 

    *    I may be skipping free yoga class next door for the moment, but there's always the option to pop back in when the weather warms and I'm feeling more up to being social after work. And for now? I've at least been keeping up with my chiro-prescribed stretches as home / in the office. 

    *    Face / skincare regime: on point! Teeth: brushed twice, flossed once to twice and mouthwashed twice a day on average!

Random ongoings:

    *    Have to follow up on the Dental / Vision insurance I applied for (I'M GROWING UP)

    *    " " that random credit Progressive owes me in check-form

    *    " " that possible property tax exemption my mother may be owed

...I think that's about it.
Looking forward to family stuff on Xmas w/ N,

to NYE (because I always am),

to my annual 13-card-tarot-pull,

to having proper coverage and getting established in the tooth & eye care department.

Ready to say farewell to this year and ring in a new one.  ...although taxes are gonna be messy af. 

Cleaning: Accomplished.

Yes, another one about cleaning. 

I finally finished the kitchen (vacuumed earlier this morning, so as to not piss anyone off at 8pm). All I've got now is the appliances (fridge / oven). And now? I can simply go home after work today and rearrange! What is it with women and the need to rearrange furniture? Is it men, too? So far in my life it has largely been women, is all I mean. It does make the place visually exciting in a new way / appealing. And it scratches that itch of solving a puzzle / spatial reasoning. Perhaps it is the possibility of finding a better way to arrange things. By and large, the women in my life have been anything but stagnant. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

Other than that: I've still got to clean Jasper out before his big trip to VT! Everything in my life is going to be clean and smell amazing (...hopefully including me). After the Big Clean, the next thing to focus on, I think, is health / vitamins / the right food combos / staying as un-sick as humanly possible as the weather changes. It's looking like earlier nights, warm layers and swapping beer for tea or soup broth, in the evening. 

I wish I was better at making soup / I liked the soup I made more. I'm great at tomato bases / veggie roast blends, etc, but when it comes to a clear veggie-broth base? Its never comes out that satisfying. Sigh. Maybe some day.

If it weren't for the sodium content, I would simply chug v8 throughout the cold season. ...And the warm season, come to think of it. That stuff is delicious! But, alas: I must not turn my liquidy insides to solids. The real shame is how much time it would save me.

At any rate, this was just a quick one to celebrate. 

And when I get home? It's time to spray delicious smellies, play delicious tunes and dance around like a monkey while I create an altered, organized space for N and myself!

Autumn Cleaning

 Wow, last post was anything but linear - let's try it again with feeling this time!

I did get around to deep cleaning / reseting this past weekend. A trip to the Dollar Tree & TJMaxx was all it took! (Well, actually, first it was a trip to Target so that I could expose my brain to the reality of what things typically cost in a department store. That way I wouldn't pass up on a good deal when it came time to hit up TJMaxx.) Got some cheap cleaning supplies, Frankenstein'd some tools together and voila! The living room, bedroom & bathroom are fin. I even created some N-approved scent spray with essential oil blends to keep it fresh throughout the season. <3

I've:
-    dry-dusted the ceiling / walls / moldings / baseboard heaters (whatever these are called??)
-    made an anti-spider, anti-mold, anti-dust solution and hit the walls / moldings / heaters with that
-    vacuumed the curtains / sprayed them down with homemade smellies
-    cleaned the mirrors & windows / vacuumed / solution'd or pledged the sills 
-    dusted / pledged any wood end tables / wardrobes
-    cleaned & polished the brass / silver handles with either lemon & baking soda (for anti-tarnish) or candle wax (for anti-smudge / water stains).
-    scrubbed sink, shower & toilet
-    dry dusted precious books
-    vacuumed the floors (after placing essential-oil-soaked cotton balls in the vacuum so the scent would permeate throughout the newly cleaned room <3 

All I've got left is the kitchen - but it's the biggest room! So I've got to steel myself and gird my loins before heading back into refresh-land. I'm glad I got the perimeter rooms accomplished, though - those are the ones N usually hangs out in, so now I don't feel as though I must rush through this last one. (He has no business in the kitchen - that's my room!)

I would love to reconfigure my closet / office corner in the upcoming room. I've got a couple ideas I can execute now and another I can save up for (it's going to necessitate a big shelving purchase - pray for me). But first, I must clean! Organizing is typically the more enjoyable side of refreshing for me, so I figure I'm probably going to get to that sooner than later. But cleaning - especially deep cleaning - is not always something I am in the mood for. (If you don't eat yer [tofu], you can't have any [Mexican chocolate cookies].)

I think, with this space being shared, it will likely be a bit-by-bit situation as opposed to an all-at-once affair. Which means it'll take longer and bring me nerdy joy for longer! Hooray! And then maybe by the time I'm all done it'll be winter and I won't be on the brink of demise (via seasonal depression) because I will be too pleased with my new arrangement.

As it is: I know last year was my best winter yet, so I am hoping that this one is just as good. If not better, because I will have N to annoy all season long. 

The Ramblings of a Tired Cat.

 I am trying to get excited for fall. On purpose. For once.

(Autumn lovers: this is not an invitation for you to spew your dead-leaf-propaganda at me. It's SO COZY. Omg SPOOKY SEASON. I know. I get itttt.)

I have unfortunately fallen off the reading train and figure hitting my goal for this year is pretty unlikely. Oh, well. The world does not stop spinning. 

In the meantime: I have been wanting to write and paint and create all bloody month but can't seem to get my energy patterns to align properly with my inspiration. Perhaps I will start with a tertiary: with a quick, silly little painting or two. And then move my way up to writing. I'll get there! And hopefully by the first week of January, my muscle memory will kick in and remind the rest of me that I used to take the 1st week off every year for a proper writing stay-cation. 

I am working part-time these days, so I'm unsure if I'll use any of my vacation time, but we'll see. Perhaps I will. Simply out of love for only my own created-traditions (most other traditions are poo!). Because I do occasionally love being a silly little creature. For no reason? Perfect.

At any rate: I've got my books, my notebooks / laptop / journal, my paints and paper, my earl grey tea and blankets... now I just need a really cozy autumnal scent to douse myself in from time to time and maybe create a playlist while I'm at it. 

Honestly, all I typically need is a day where I am free and have the energy to give a good, thorough cleaning to my living space. Whether it is my room, my nook or the whole apartment: I always feel better about going into a new season once everything has been refreshed. I believe it is time for a TJMaxx-or-Target run. Mainly to pick up a cozy, clean scent or two, and if I happen to find cool cleaning / organizational supplies on the cheap while I'm there? ...Worse things have happened.  

I wonder: to get excited for fall, is it better to eat seasonal foods? Or keep eating summer-y foods / produce to ease in and remind oneself that it isn't cold all year round? Hm. 

*cut to me: overalls: layers of dried paint all over my body and through my hair. I am creating a mural on the walls of my shared apartment: a childlike scene of a sunny backyard, complete with giant sun, about 6 times the size of the little house on the grass. I did not consult with N. I have lost it.*

It's always summer in here...

Anyway. I should probably either take a nap or rip into some redbull so I can actually accomplish something. Cheers!