I have recently been shown / have watched / have finished a show called "Dark". It is about time travel and it is thick with events, thoughts and dialogue (I know because I read all of it - German to English subtitles. Time to brush up on my Deutsch!). Among this slew of rich happenings, an overall split of opinion was prevalent between the characters:
Do our decisions/choices change our/an ever-altering future?
Or are the actions we take preordained and we have no actual choice in the matter?
I found this thought interesting because it brought me back to a time when I was in high school. English Class - aside from the Arts, this was the only class where I wouldn't find myself struggling in hellfire. (Ffffffuuuuuckk Gym Class, Math and Issues in American Government. Oh, and Latin.) We were given a prompt in this English Class. I recall the excitement I felt from head to toe; we had all been presented an opportunity to create an opinion piece! We were in high school - nobody cared about our thoughts and opinions in high school! Let alone cared enough to dedicate in-school hours to ponder over it. It gets better - the question wasn't some vapid bologna about what we did over vacation. It wasn't a team-building, get-to-know-you activity. The question was:
Do you think we have the power to make our own decisions/choices to change our future paths? Or do you think we are condemned to a preordained destiny?
I know. It's a lot like the previous thing I typed out in bold. Now you know why this memory was triggered. But how cool is that as a question? So philosophical, so thought-provoking while also being simply interesting to write and to read. And while it was understood that it was to be more than a simple yes/no answer, one didn't necessarily have to winge on and on about it to properly respond. Unlike the blathering I do here, on the blog. I have this irritating drive to be incredibly thorough when I answer certain things, let alone when I am left to my own, pondering devices. Anyway. My answer then:
I believe that the future is preordained; that it has been cast in stone. We are shaped by the people and events around us, certainly. However, I believe this is more of a shaping into what we were "destined" to be and less of a perpetuity of gambling and/or surprise.
I believe I was the only student in the class who answered this way, to which my teacher responded with (essentially) a quick "Wrong." on my paper. I was crushed when I realized that this had not, in fact, been a thought-provoking opinion prompt, but a cleverly disguised way for the adult to tell us their opinion. And as far as I was concerned: we could have skipped the romance. I would have had more respect for her (teacher) if she had simply come out and told us what to believe. But of course, my respecting her could have been very low on her priorities. (I'm not certain; we never wrote that paper.)
Regardless of its actual intention: I still thought it was a cool subject to ponder on. So much so that I recently asked J what his thoughts were on the matter. (I would gladly write his answer here, but he hasn't given it to me just yet.) He then asked me my thoughts. I hadn't expected this, so I explained my experience the first time I had been asked-but-not-really-asked this question. By the end of that winded dialogue, I gave a quick thought.
I realized that there was a chunk of time between the first time and this time where I believe the opposite. I believed that we were "in charge of our future". I think it was what I needed at the time/perhaps I had been whisked away by temporary optimism (band name; called it). Having that thought led me to ponder if the Preordained/No Choice Matters Theory was simply what I needed to believe at that time. I had done some work and come up with some coping mechanisms for my disorder(s) at that time. One of them could have been "if you are not in charge of it and you can AT ALL help yourself from having anything to do with it: just let it go". In other words: there were some things that I knew I could not change but would not be able to help obsessing over. However, as I got a little older (high school), I started to be able to peel myself away here and there of useless obsession of things I could not understand. But of course, as an accidental extremist, the only way I could do this was to pull away entirely.
In other, other words: I found it incredibly helpful to convince myself that I had absolutely no hold/control over my future and that the choices I made had little to no impact. This was quite relieving to the nearly superstitious aspect to Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
So what's my answer now (literally nobody other than J is asking)?
I think that the entire concept of destiny is a bit romantic for me. And it feels so self-obsessed/human of us to even create such a term/idea. Are we, as individuals, truly that important - at least some of us (while others are NPCs) - that our futures are or are not destined? Is it even a question that needs to be asked? I am so sick of us. Naturally, this concept makes an interesting show or story, but I hate that we convince/have ever convinced ourselves that we matter that much. It's worse than the time we thought holding our breath while hopping on one leg in a tub of snake piss would cure the village of Dancing Plague.
Perhaps it reminds me of the worst parts of a/my disorder(s): superstition and needless guilt. With a pinch of arrogance, if I'm honest. Which I will later have guilt over. But as long as I hold my breath and lock the front door three times, I'll be back to it in no time.
In closing: in my most comfortable state, I don't think we have preordained futures. I don't think things are meant to be. I also don't think our choices are as important as we think they are/we give ourselves a bit too much credit. However: at a slightly more uncomfortable / slightly more desperate state, I might use this superstition of "Well, wasn't meant to be." to better comfort myself. And in the end (as long as you don't go too extreme with it), I don't really think it'll hurt anybody to think that way. So I guess I don't see the harm in it. It's like the less harmful version of how individuals are treating the pandemic: just change the rules when you find it to be convenient.
