I Dunno, Man. Just Wanna Type.

 Tomorrow is December 2023 and I am SO READY.

My tarot card that I pulled for this month (last year) was The Chariot. (Way to end the year on a banger, dude.) This is the card that urges you to be active / not passive, it is a sign of encouragement to assert yourself, have courage and be disciplined. 

...It also said something about possible travel via ground... But we'll just ignore that part. (When am I not travelling on the ground? Well... right now, I suppose.)

Incidentally, this is precisely the attitude I am bringing into December. I have carefully and - dare I say - skillfully curated a mighty cozy home. I have surrounded myself with beauty / things that are good for my brain / things to create / things to learn and read / healthy, delicious food and sweet hygge. I am ready to bundle up, hunker down and stay inside. I will focus on not running myself into the ground. I will do wonderful work for myself and when I do not: I will relax. (When did it get so difficult to stay inside?) I am filled with intention and it feels like lightning in my body. 

(No, wait... that's my sciatica...)

In January, once this December month is over, it will still be cold. It will still be slow at the restaurant. I will still be too far away from friend / family snuggles. But! It will be a new year. I will thank 2023 for its good and thank myself and my loved ones for helping me survive the bad. And learn from it. 

I have never been into "New Year's Resolutions" because I believe that if a person would like something to change, they should start working on that immediately / not make excuses / not wait around for the clock to run out. (Diet starts tomorrow!) But I am finding it exciting to look forward to a new year. (Also: I find separating life by months / years makes it infinitely less overwhelming and stressful.)

I will likely spend this New Year's Eve alone - for the very first time in my adult life!!! And I am looking forward to it. If I hear the Siren's Song, I may go under, but I really hope I'm able to stay inside my weird little home. Listen to weird little songs. drink and eat and do a 13-card pull for 2024. 

Recalling Bad Behavior

I am listening to / watching some psyche stuff and having revelations. 

I was with someone not long ago that had so many unhealthy (at least unhealthy for me) traits that are being called out in these videos / podcasts and it is always so wild / refreshing / attention-calling when this happens. 

1.    constantly needing to be in the know about everything (everything)

2.    hating the feeling of "being the/a bad person" whilst not wanting to do / not doing the thing that would make them the normal person -or- good person. Even if the thing is obvious/simple helping.

3.    can't ask them "why". because this is a question to understand their motive(s). (they can't answer it / they feel ashamed when faced with it - and shame is the most prevalent feeling to them - and/or they don't want to be held accountable.)

4.    although they wanna know everything, they can't handle anything. you can't tell them good news (this welcomes skepticism upon you / your news / being dismissive) and you can't tell them bad news (they will make it about them / turn into a starlet of tragedy). 

5.    them skewing everything you say

6.    them getting so much worse when they drink (I understand this one is true for a lot of different types of people from lots of different backgrounds - crazy that shit is still legal.)

7.    extremely manipulative, in general

8.    martyrdom like you wouldn't believe. 

9.     needing to / putting all of their fight and drive and energy into their outer appearance / the narrative they have created (falsely) for themselves. This will absolutely stop them from being anywhere near genuine. Probably ever. (Why would they be genuine when they can live in this make-believe? Especially with a herd of sheep who won't pick up on the truth?)

10.    they heard you the whole time - this will be proven by the way they scramble and backtrack / go back to square one and begin to love-bomb / actually bring up what you were saying / certain points you have made the entire time or way back in the beginning and try like hell to convince you that NOW they will try. Or NOW they are able to do it because "wow, [they] never saw it that way" / they had an epiphany. In hopes to drag you back in. 

You can't share anything with these people. What the hell is the point? I have never wanted a romantic relationship less. It has never seemed less attractive. I am over these people / this behavior / this useless way of spending time. Getting exhausted and even sick from it. I have said it for years and my mother has said it before me: 
    a.    just because I can handle it doesn't mean I should have to.
    b.    why does it take me killing myself to get a point across?

It shouldn't. And for many people (who I haven't dated!) in my life - it absolutely will never take me killing myself to get the point across. To be considered. To be treated with respect.

I know the chance of me attracting someone like this again must be terribly high (unless I have simply gotten the majority out of the way on my first half of the dating scene), but I truly hope I never have to deal with this kind of thing again. The good news is: Now that I am older / smarter / wiser / calmer / infinitely more experienced in all of it, I at least know that my chances of recognition and escape are climbing. 

Sunday the 15th

 Much along the lines of the previous post regarding being at work while the system is down / while experiencing a blackout: I am currently at a favorite local bar (the only one down here I will purposefully go to to get some writing done) during the slowest night I have ever witnessed. Surely one of the slowest the drink-masters behind the bar have. To enhance the mood: it is October, dark, rainy and dreary outside. And we have only just survived our second Friday the 13th of the year. It would be too spooky to leave the comfort and safety of one's comforter, had the undeniable feeling of badassery not been swinging thick in the air. 

What is this feeling? I imagine there is a German term for it that - should you be able to pronounce it - would describe this perfectly and essentially. Leaving nothing to be craved or forgotten by the turn of the last syllable. It is akin to (but better than, in my opinion) catching the matinee on a Tuesday. Just enough of a ticket line so you can properly ponder which flick to see. You get into the theater and find your seat; there's no one else there. You think 'Surely before the film starts there will be more bodies in seats'. And before your very eyes, the film starts and - behold! No additional bodies. It's just you! You have the theater "to yourself".

We love this feeling, we adore it; we pine for it. And yet (not to paraphrase Bukowski, of all people) we find it so daunting, at times, to be alone. We find it eerie / unsettling / unfortunate and unfavorable. Especially during times when we should expect to certainly not be alone. But there are these specific settings and layouts where the opposite can be the result. And it's not quite the same as it would be having an amusement park to one's self. It's more simple and whole / wholesome than that. Less selfish. More cozy. More... just the trendy / modern side of hygge, perhaps. 

It has an exciting side to it initially, along with the odd, because it is so unusual. An unexpected change. And furthermore / more specifically because it is a change you could not / did not control. (That's always exciting.) And then there's more comfort-magic to it when the rest sinks in: everything is a bit calmer, a bit quieter, a bit less chaotic. Everything is still in working order. There are still (maybe only just) enough people to keep everything running / smoothly. You're not missing out on anything. You can still see your film. You can still get your drink / your snacks. It's just a little bit better. Everyone who you want to be there is there and no one you don't. I think that's what it is. It's the stuff that makes places in the outside world feel a little more like they are simply extensions of your own living room. 

(Side note: I do not feel this way in a restaurant if I am the only one there. What is this phenomenon? What is the separation between the bar and the restaurant? Why does the restaurant feel like a stiff-backed wooden Medieval church pew in comparison to the bar?)

Anyfuckingway. 

I currently find myself in a favorite local bar, with my laptop, mostly alone on this eerie night and I am loving every minute of it. I feel like it is the perfect set up for a really good film with plenty of intriguing twists and turns. Something like Identity, but preferably much less menacing. No deaths, preferably. Or if there absolutely has to be: perhaps only off-screen. 

I never want this coziness to end. But then again: I guess that's part of what makes it so special. 

**this is the most ideal writing setting for me: a bar that is familiar and safe, not too crowded so I don't feel like I have to watch my back / my drink / my electronics. Still enough strange to make noise in the background so I don't feel anyone's eyes on me / don't feel as though I am the main attraction / main character / anyone to notice. A thing of beauty, tonight.**

October 2023 (a dramatic reading)

Late September, I wrote a private blog for myself stating that I didn't want this year to be over / I wasn't ready for it to end. This year has been another doozy (I think that's just how they're going to go from now on). But it had also been Great. I looked back on my year-at-a-glance tarot pull from 2023 and smiled as I recounted all of the good that has happened / that I have been able to accomplish / create / experience. 

Before even realizing that this was the second of a new month (I typically have Sat / Sun / Mondays off from work, so I get a bit out-of-sorts), it hit me: I was ready. I am ready. Because although I may not be ready to "let this one go", I am certainly ready - no, anxious - to see what lies ahead. I have had time to comfort myself and get comfortable with my "new self". I want great things for her. I miss her and have a great hunger to get better acquainted with her. 

I want her to work hard at the things she wants to and support her when she needs time to simply consume and get inspired. I want to help her find time to write and read and learn and grow. 

Surely I will look back at this entry with disdainful, wet eyes if tragedy is to strike in 2024, but if it was going to happen, it was going to happen. I know that I do not wish horrors on anyone, including myself. And I have gotten to a point with my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder where I can admit that being excited / hoping for one thing does not have any affect on what other / typically awful things happen within the interim. 

I have had much synchronicity as of late (especially within the last 30 days) and I think I have come to terms with the fact that: as long as I do my best and have my best intentions, I will (even very eventually) be lead to where I need to be. There will be an imperative thought that I would have done well to focus on... that will - at first - be all too fleeting. And later, as I casually play the latest podcast or video while cooking dinner, my mind will hear a familiar piece of that thought and be able to call it out / focus / re-focus onto it and allow me some grace. It will allow me another opportunity to sit with the imperative idea / ponder on it. Like "red car syndrome", but in a lovely way. Like "OCD guilt/superstition syndrome", but it's actually helpful and real. I think our minds have a way of attracting what we need. In the same way they say our feet will point in the direction of where we would like to go. Like how it feels when you are young and you swear you woke up right before the loud clanging of pots and pans downstairs. You didn't. Your mind is simply incredible and very much at work when you are not. It assigned the sound to the pots and pans by the time you woke up. 

That was rambly and filled with similes, but I think I will quite enjoy coming back to this one and reading it in a couple of months/years. 

Perhaps old me would not be ready for this year to end and that would be fine. I am quite done talking shit about her - I love her very much and am very proud of her. The "new me" is incredible and ready to face new things. Here we go into the unknown.  

Living on My Own

 Is the secret to surviving panic simply living on one's own?

I have never felt so incredibly calm / at peace / confident about impending winter. We will see how it goes in real-time, but honestly it's just nice feeling this way. On my own, I am not always peaceful, but I certainly extend the amount I am able to be at peace. It's insane how much easier things are when I am living on my own. Aside from those two years I lived with Bff, I truly don't know why I ever did it. Living with others, I mean. Oh, yes; the whole financial thing / insecure / afraid to live on my own thing. Well, anyway.

With the way things have been going in this world, I am starting to feel as though living on one's own may simply soon be a thing of the past. Not everyone will be able to do so. And so: I am even more thankful for the opportunity. Not everyone has an E to be bffs with / live with in perfect harmony. Perhaps I needed to come down here to blaze the trail and to give E and I both the opportunity to peacefully live on our own. To truly know what it is like. Not because your roommate fucked you over and left. Not because you got kicked out of the place you actually wanted to stay in. Nothing violent. Just our decisions that we made. Perhaps we will live together again at some point in the future and perhaps we will not. But I will say this: I could not be more pleased to know that neither of us will feel we missed out / feel resentment / be left wondering what "it would've been like". (Perhaps, still: not everything has meaning. But perhaps.)

Thinking back: there were quite a few years where I was convinced I would never live on my own. Then I didn't want to, for a slew of reasons. Whether it be due to fear or romance. Or, rather, my personal rushing of the social construct of "settling down". (I figured: I had the hard work / job thing down... what more did one NEED for a successful, adult relationship??) And although I may not be in "NYC", I am still in NY. In a high-up apartment, living very much on my own. Writing. Which is exactly what I fantasized about, back in the day. 

*Was pulled away from this - don't think I was done, but it's a bit late now. Going to leave it as is / maybe come back to it at another time and edit*

Late September

"Are you hiding? I'm coming..." - winter, probably.

Well, folks: it's time for my I-dunno-what-to-write-about-so-I'll-write-about-the-weather entry.

Every year, when summer ends, I begin preparation for winter. (Let's face it: Autumn lasts all of two weeks.) This year, said preparation is even more imperative as I am living away from all of my known loved ones and am no longer living with anyone. it's been a minute. But honestly, I'm looking forward to it because I no longer feel as though I must take care of anyone else. Just me. I get sick: I take care of me. I don't have energy after work: no one is sapping me dry. If I'm dealing with a hard day, it is only my hard day. The more I consider it, the more I am compelled to simply live on my own for all of eternity. 

So far, I have my usual suspects:

-    My plants are surrounding me. And even if some of them die, there are plenty to still go around. 

-    I have been keeping up well on daily / weekly cleaning / laundry and everything has a place. 

-    The yoga mat and cycle bike are out and ready to be used. 

-    I am planning one last deep clean before the first snow.

-    My credit card (until I get my snow tires) is in good condition.

-    I've got books to read and sudoku / puzzles to do.

-    I'm eating well / drinking water / sleeping / taking vitamins.

-    Jasper is clean with a clean bill of health.

I'm sure there are more, but nobody even asked me to compile this list, so I'll stop it there. In addition to the tools already in my arsenal, I have brainstormed a few more. This cold season I am going to attempt one new thing for each of my five senses:

-    Jazz Hour (while either cleaning or while the lights are dim / cozy and I'm reading / journaling).

-    A focus on lighting, while still not spending a billion dollars on "fairy lights"/faux daylight.

-    Incense & holder (in "NAG CHAMPA", the scent that most reminds me of the record store my bff and I met at / used to work at together).

-    A focus on skincare (essentially: moisturizer all over my skin, as I am 34).

-    Researching at least 3 new recipes for myself. I feel amazing when I cook. I love experiments. The food I make is good. Why am I not doing this already?

Now, obviously, this is all gravy in theory, but what about in practice?

...What about it?

The name of the game in all of this is not to win or lose. Already, coming up with any kind of idea is the absence of failure. I have already succeeded. The game is complete. Now it's simply about trying like hell to combat S. A. D. I realize I am already playing a losing game; there is no need to add stakes / pressure. 

They say it is important to keep in touch with people during the cold season. Perhaps I can write letters to my mother / bff this year. Just something dumb that might make them happy for a minute. 

Alright. I wish I had anything else to write about but - let's face it - this wasn't even anything to write about. But! Feeling the keys under my hungry little fingers is a huge way to combat bad feelings / keep me afloat in general. So... Get used to the decline this blog is on. You think it couldn't get any worse / more vapid / more of a verbal processing / stream of consciousness. Just you wait. 

Full disclosure: there's been a very fun, distracting podcast in the background this entire time and I have found it incredibly distracting. So I'm not even fully convinced any of the above was even English. 

...The word "September" doesn't even look right.

34 year old blogger.

 I have nothing terribly shocking or thought-provoking (in my opinion) to share tonight. It is a school night. I have had all day off and have nary a key-stroke to show for it. It is 11:35pm. So, what brings my bony fingers to the keys?

I have had an awakening, of sorts, recently. An avalanche of beautiful, white light has fallen over me and instead of driving me to a claustrophobic madness, it has blessed me with some kind of fantasy. Everything has been simplified. Everything's frilly details have come into such clear focus, at the same time. I don't think any one item/choice/situation has brought this on; I believe it has been born from a lifetime of choices and efforts and heart & soul. I am amidst a rapid growth, of sorts. 

I feel confident. In example: there will be instances when I will talk to someone who's behavior I will find to be unsavory. In another time, I would have brought receipts, gotten worked up about person(s) shutting down/not listening/not believing me, I would have gotten angry/ felt like I needed to defend myself... I no longer feel that way. I know what I'm doing. It is not up to me to prove it. With my job: I love it! I get excited to go to work because of the work itself and because of the people I get to work with. In general: my intuition &  instincts are incredible. I will fumble and "mess up" plenty, but I love not letting that hold me back / slow me down in the meantime. I love this clarity. This knowing. I love getting older. 

It feels - now, more than ever - nothing can knock me off my path. I am eating exactly what I want - not guilt-eating for others / not eating to be a certain look/weight. I am exercising the way / when I want. I am reading much more. 

So much of my younger years were spent looking forward / searching ahead. Then I hit a point where I was only what I had been / in my past. There were times I was looking in no direction; with eyes closed. There have been points where I actively practiced being present. I feel as though I am all of those directions and none at all at once. 

Getting older is: you think you have reached your maximum of not caring what others think of you / reached your maximum of confidence in what you do & love for yourself and your family... and then you get whacked in the face with a level up on all of the above (and then some). 

I would love to type more, but I truly can't think of anything... Maybe I'll read some oldies and try to let inspiration do its thing. 

"Don't you just love New York in the Fall?"

 "...Makes me want to buy school supplies." - Tom Hanks, You've Got Mail

Okay so it isn't about to be Fall and I am not in New York, New York. But I'm in the state, the weather is on my mind and I still like that line.

It is March (still early march - the 8th) and I am SO EXCITED for spring. The city I reside in had a few scares and dodged quite a few bullets this winter. The weather really hasn't been that treacherous. And the accumulation has been so low / only here and there - we have certainly lucked out. That being said: I am still chomping at the bit for better weather. 

There have already been days where I comfortably walk from my apartment to the coffee shop and back. Days where I leave my car windows down as I drive. Days where I wear a tee inside the restaurant's kitchen and can still feel my extremities. It's basically tropical out there. Soon the porch / outside dining will be open and the restaurant will be insanely busy, even on week nights. Obviously this will be more stressful, but this will also be bearable because everything is bearable in the summer time. Infinitely so. At least, for me. And I have gotten to start / train in the slower season, so at least there will be less hesitation on simple things during the rush. I wish my bff was down here to enjoy it with me! (Part of me wonders if they would be happier living down here. More inclusive, in certain ways. Certainly more activities to do / better access to them. If only it didn't cost money to stay in a safe, cozy apartment. You could move to a new city, try it out for a month - if it didn't work out, no harm / no foul!)

This, of course, means I will have outdoor lunches to looks forward to as well. Outdoor chats with coffee. Lazy, sunny afternoons just outside the brewery. Late nights with cigarettes and whiskey at the bar. Everything is better when the weather is warm. Just ask Jonathon Richman. He loves hot nights. 

***

Today I was complimented in a very pleasant, artistic / poetic and specific way and it got me thinking: I am very lucky. I am lucky in so many ways, but specifically: this person who gave me this compliment is someone I have only just met. At work. And they didn't have to go out of their way to even meet me, let alone get to know me. This person is completely delightful and smart as a whip, by the way, which always makes the compliment / efforts even more exciting. (*swoon*.) 

I thought about how the people who I have met down here; the girls who trained me for the bank and got teary eyed on my last day, giving me a card with the phrase: "you make the world a better place". (It was an absolute killer duo who I loved being around. I was sure to buy a plant and make a card.) The kids at my new restaurant job who take me the way I am and celebrate and appreciate me. The therapist who, after the first meeting, had sent me home with a pocket full kind words and compliments. What is going on?? I don't feel as though I have changed that much, but have I?

Also: It took me a horribly long thirty years to meet my best friend. Because of them, I met my (elected) little sister. When we went out, we would often go to this bar, who's manager was an incredible woman who I would be happy to call my sister (the cool, adult sister who I am incredibly jealous of and who has killer instincts, a beautiful brain and sense of adventure). And somewhere within the madness, I also met one of the coolest cats who I genuinely hope is my forever-date when I get back home and need some thai food and some quality cackles and/or advice. 

These four people are people who did not grow up with me, are not beholden to me and who simply appreciate me, genuinely. (These are also people who are so freaking beautiful that I don't even understand how they exist / how we found each other / am so grateful for their well-roundedness and insights.)

What I'm trying to get at is: it feels as though this is a sudden onslaught of appreciation. And it feels incredible, but holy cow does it make me think back to some less-savory relationships. I remember how many years I spent time with people who under appreciated me / did not appreciate me at all. Including but not limited to my romantic partners. All of this has really helped me feel better about myself (when I didn't even have an enormous problem with myself to begin with). After all those years of being in the wrong crowds you're telling me these people appreciate me?? Talk about zero to sixty.

Space-Claim / Experiment with Writing

I promised myself I would try this: writing in a different part of my home. 

As much as I love writing at a coffee shop (the romance cannot be beat), I wouldn't mind saving a few bucks by staying home. Not to mention; there are plenty of days where I have a few hours between waking up and getting to work and I would love to take better advantage of that time. My appointment anxiety will not allow me to do so at a coffee shop, so here we are!

I have found that I am often unable to work at the coffee table in my home. And as far as the bedroom goes: the only time I have been able to work from within my bed was during my time at Pine Street. Twas a magical time. Also: I was on a fairly tight deadline before publishing. Other than the floor; the only surface left would be J's desk - off-limits, as far as I am concerned. Partly due to the face that he should have some place that is only his own and partly because I feel as though it would be as mystically disastrous as wearing another man's shoes - and the island / bar in the kitchen. 

So far so good! The counter top to stool ratio is serviceable and the elevation makes me feel as though I am doing something special and/or important. The most useful, I believe, is the fact that I have never once actually sat here. So this spot has not necessarily been claimed. Sure I have cooked in here plenty, but when I cook, I am zipping around - chopping this and tasting that. Eyes on the noodles. The timer, for the roasting veggies or tofu. I am a true believer in the power of claiming a space ever since I read that article in Cosmo (something I was/am incredibly unlikely to do). 

It is tough to be a realist and to not believe in the cosmic mysticism of the universe at such times: there's this magazine I don't care about, in my home because my well-intentioned (but clueless - it is astounding how un-well we know each other, isn't it?) boyfriend bought it for me one day when I wasn't feeling well. I spent all day in bed eating the odd hard candies and smelling the flowers and flipping through the 'zine he got me. After the attempts to fall back asleep got my goat, I decided to actually read this thing. 

Amongst the overpriced name drops and 101 ways to achieve 86 orgasms - every time! was an article about sleeping. How fortuitous! I needed all the rest I could get. And I was ready to try anything. I dug in and remember my cortex being positively tingled by something; this article had stated: often times, when people have difficulties sleeping in their own bedroom, it is due to the other activities that they choose to do while in bed. If you use your bed for hanging out, watching t.v., doing your bills, taking phone calls, doing art projects... then of course when it comes time for you to get to sleep, your brain is going to (at least in part) be preparing for other such activities. Instead of the psychological queues you should get by even entering your bedroom / touching down onto your bed at the end of the day, all your brain is thinking is: "So what'll it be now?? A little t.v.? Some organization? OOH - how 'bout a coloring book??"

This is obviously not helpful. Especially when we are already having troubles turning off our brains from our busy days. 

The article suggested that the bed be for sleep, sex and maybe reading (the idea being that reading to wind down and get to slumber land is way more conducive / likely to work better and faster than, say, winding down by watching television). Ever since that random article, I have had another tool in my toolbox for accomplishing tasks I simply can't seem to complete. 

I used to find reading terribly difficult to do and I used this concept to help myself get into a flow. Sometimes it's finding the right chair that I can comfortably sit still in (if I am uncomfortable when reading, I find it awfully distracting). Sometimes it's setting the right mood at home - a long, relaxing playlist with smooth tunes, a candle, a big glass of water (or wine, depending) and perhaps some snacks. And sometimes it still comes down to casting myself out to a place that is not my home with only my book; effectively marooning myself and leaving only my book as entertainment. But the thing that works the best to get the ball rolling? Still space-claiming. 

I know that if I could leave my laptop plugged in, atop this counter top, open and on a blank blog entry page / word document, I would be able to pop in and out of writing so effortlessly. Just a here-and-there activity. And perhaps someday I will live in a place where that will make more sense. However, this is a kitchen counter. It is for food. And I am not upset to say that we have lovely food to chop, cook, heat up and eat at least three times daily. So it makes a little more sense to put the chromebook away between sessions, for now. I guess I will have to still put a little effort forth. I mean, if something is too easy to do, do you even know if you actually want to do it?