"Don't you just love New York in the Fall?"

 "...Makes me want to buy school supplies." - Tom Hanks, You've Got Mail

Okay so it isn't about to be Fall and I am not in New York, New York. But I'm in the state, the weather is on my mind and I still like that line.

It is March (still early march - the 8th) and I am SO EXCITED for spring. The city I reside in had a few scares and dodged quite a few bullets this winter. The weather really hasn't been that treacherous. And the accumulation has been so low / only here and there - we have certainly lucked out. That being said: I am still chomping at the bit for better weather. 

There have already been days where I comfortably walk from my apartment to the coffee shop and back. Days where I leave my car windows down as I drive. Days where I wear a tee inside the restaurant's kitchen and can still feel my extremities. It's basically tropical out there. Soon the porch / outside dining will be open and the restaurant will be insanely busy, even on week nights. Obviously this will be more stressful, but this will also be bearable because everything is bearable in the summer time. Infinitely so. At least, for me. And I have gotten to start / train in the slower season, so at least there will be less hesitation on simple things during the rush. I wish my bff was down here to enjoy it with me! (Part of me wonders if they would be happier living down here. More inclusive, in certain ways. Certainly more activities to do / better access to them. If only it didn't cost money to stay in a safe, cozy apartment. You could move to a new city, try it out for a month - if it didn't work out, no harm / no foul!)

This, of course, means I will have outdoor lunches to looks forward to as well. Outdoor chats with coffee. Lazy, sunny afternoons just outside the brewery. Late nights with cigarettes and whiskey at the bar. Everything is better when the weather is warm. Just ask Jonathon Richman. He loves hot nights. 

***

Today I was complimented in a very pleasant, artistic / poetic and specific way and it got me thinking: I am very lucky. I am lucky in so many ways, but specifically: this person who gave me this compliment is someone I have only just met. At work. And they didn't have to go out of their way to even meet me, let alone get to know me. This person is completely delightful and smart as a whip, by the way, which always makes the compliment / efforts even more exciting. (*swoon*.) 

I thought about how the people who I have met down here; the girls who trained me for the bank and got teary eyed on my last day, giving me a card with the phrase: "you make the world a better place". (It was an absolute killer duo who I loved being around. I was sure to buy a plant and make a card.) The kids at my new restaurant job who take me the way I am and celebrate and appreciate me. The therapist who, after the first meeting, had sent me home with a pocket full kind words and compliments. What is going on?? I don't feel as though I have changed that much, but have I?

Also: It took me a horribly long thirty years to meet my best friend. Because of them, I met my (elected) little sister. When we went out, we would often go to this bar, who's manager was an incredible woman who I would be happy to call my sister (the cool, adult sister who I am incredibly jealous of and who has killer instincts, a beautiful brain and sense of adventure). And somewhere within the madness, I also met one of the coolest cats who I genuinely hope is my forever-date when I get back home and need some thai food and some quality cackles and/or advice. 

These four people are people who did not grow up with me, are not beholden to me and who simply appreciate me, genuinely. (These are also people who are so freaking beautiful that I don't even understand how they exist / how we found each other / am so grateful for their well-roundedness and insights.)

What I'm trying to get at is: it feels as though this is a sudden onslaught of appreciation. And it feels incredible, but holy cow does it make me think back to some less-savory relationships. I remember how many years I spent time with people who under appreciated me / did not appreciate me at all. Including but not limited to my romantic partners. All of this has really helped me feel better about myself (when I didn't even have an enormous problem with myself to begin with). After all those years of being in the wrong crowds you're telling me these people appreciate me?? Talk about zero to sixty.

Space-Claim / Experiment with Writing

I promised myself I would try this: writing in a different part of my home. 

As much as I love writing at a coffee shop (the romance cannot be beat), I wouldn't mind saving a few bucks by staying home. Not to mention; there are plenty of days where I have a few hours between waking up and getting to work and I would love to take better advantage of that time. My appointment anxiety will not allow me to do so at a coffee shop, so here we are!

I have found that I am often unable to work at the coffee table in my home. And as far as the bedroom goes: the only time I have been able to work from within my bed was during my time at Pine Street. Twas a magical time. Also: I was on a fairly tight deadline before publishing. Other than the floor; the only surface left would be J's desk - off-limits, as far as I am concerned. Partly due to the face that he should have some place that is only his own and partly because I feel as though it would be as mystically disastrous as wearing another man's shoes - and the island / bar in the kitchen. 

So far so good! The counter top to stool ratio is serviceable and the elevation makes me feel as though I am doing something special and/or important. The most useful, I believe, is the fact that I have never once actually sat here. So this spot has not necessarily been claimed. Sure I have cooked in here plenty, but when I cook, I am zipping around - chopping this and tasting that. Eyes on the noodles. The timer, for the roasting veggies or tofu. I am a true believer in the power of claiming a space ever since I read that article in Cosmo (something I was/am incredibly unlikely to do). 

It is tough to be a realist and to not believe in the cosmic mysticism of the universe at such times: there's this magazine I don't care about, in my home because my well-intentioned (but clueless - it is astounding how un-well we know each other, isn't it?) boyfriend bought it for me one day when I wasn't feeling well. I spent all day in bed eating the odd hard candies and smelling the flowers and flipping through the 'zine he got me. After the attempts to fall back asleep got my goat, I decided to actually read this thing. 

Amongst the overpriced name drops and 101 ways to achieve 86 orgasms - every time! was an article about sleeping. How fortuitous! I needed all the rest I could get. And I was ready to try anything. I dug in and remember my cortex being positively tingled by something; this article had stated: often times, when people have difficulties sleeping in their own bedroom, it is due to the other activities that they choose to do while in bed. If you use your bed for hanging out, watching t.v., doing your bills, taking phone calls, doing art projects... then of course when it comes time for you to get to sleep, your brain is going to (at least in part) be preparing for other such activities. Instead of the psychological queues you should get by even entering your bedroom / touching down onto your bed at the end of the day, all your brain is thinking is: "So what'll it be now?? A little t.v.? Some organization? OOH - how 'bout a coloring book??"

This is obviously not helpful. Especially when we are already having troubles turning off our brains from our busy days. 

The article suggested that the bed be for sleep, sex and maybe reading (the idea being that reading to wind down and get to slumber land is way more conducive / likely to work better and faster than, say, winding down by watching television). Ever since that random article, I have had another tool in my toolbox for accomplishing tasks I simply can't seem to complete. 

I used to find reading terribly difficult to do and I used this concept to help myself get into a flow. Sometimes it's finding the right chair that I can comfortably sit still in (if I am uncomfortable when reading, I find it awfully distracting). Sometimes it's setting the right mood at home - a long, relaxing playlist with smooth tunes, a candle, a big glass of water (or wine, depending) and perhaps some snacks. And sometimes it still comes down to casting myself out to a place that is not my home with only my book; effectively marooning myself and leaving only my book as entertainment. But the thing that works the best to get the ball rolling? Still space-claiming. 

I know that if I could leave my laptop plugged in, atop this counter top, open and on a blank blog entry page / word document, I would be able to pop in and out of writing so effortlessly. Just a here-and-there activity. And perhaps someday I will live in a place where that will make more sense. However, this is a kitchen counter. It is for food. And I am not upset to say that we have lovely food to chop, cook, heat up and eat at least three times daily. So it makes a little more sense to put the chromebook away between sessions, for now. I guess I will have to still put a little effort forth. I mean, if something is too easy to do, do you even know if you actually want to do it?