I have nothing terribly shocking or thought-provoking (in my opinion) to share tonight. It is a school night. I have had all day off and have nary a key-stroke to show for it. It is 11:35pm. So, what brings my bony fingers to the keys?
I have had an awakening, of sorts, recently. An avalanche of beautiful, white light has fallen over me and instead of driving me to a claustrophobic madness, it has blessed me with some kind of fantasy. Everything has been simplified. Everything's frilly details have come into such clear focus, at the same time. I don't think any one item/choice/situation has brought this on; I believe it has been born from a lifetime of choices and efforts and heart & soul. I am amidst a rapid growth, of sorts.
I feel confident. In example: there will be instances when I will talk to someone who's behavior I will find to be unsavory. In another time, I would have brought receipts, gotten worked up about person(s) shutting down/not listening/not believing me, I would have gotten angry/ felt like I needed to defend myself... I no longer feel that way. I know what I'm doing. It is not up to me to prove it. With my job: I love it! I get excited to go to work because of the work itself and because of the people I get to work with. In general: my intuition & instincts are incredible. I will fumble and "mess up" plenty, but I love not letting that hold me back / slow me down in the meantime. I love this clarity. This knowing. I love getting older.
It feels - now, more than ever - nothing can knock me off my path. I am eating exactly what I want - not guilt-eating for others / not eating to be a certain look/weight. I am exercising the way / when I want. I am reading much more.
So much of my younger years were spent looking forward / searching ahead. Then I hit a point where I was only what I had been / in my past. There were times I was looking in no direction; with eyes closed. There have been points where I actively practiced being present. I feel as though I am all of those directions and none at all at once.
Getting older is: you think you have reached your maximum of not caring what others think of you / reached your maximum of confidence in what you do & love for yourself and your family... and then you get whacked in the face with a level up on all of the above (and then some).
I would love to type more, but I truly can't think of anything... Maybe I'll read some oldies and try to let inspiration do its thing.
