Recalling Bad Behavior

I am listening to / watching some psyche stuff and having revelations. 

I was with someone not long ago that had so many unhealthy (at least unhealthy for me) traits that are being called out in these videos / podcasts and it is always so wild / refreshing / attention-calling when this happens. 

1.    constantly needing to be in the know about everything (everything)

2.    hating the feeling of "being the/a bad person" whilst not wanting to do / not doing the thing that would make them the normal person -or- good person. Even if the thing is obvious/simple helping.

3.    can't ask them "why". because this is a question to understand their motive(s). (they can't answer it / they feel ashamed when faced with it - and shame is the most prevalent feeling to them - and/or they don't want to be held accountable.)

4.    although they wanna know everything, they can't handle anything. you can't tell them good news (this welcomes skepticism upon you / your news / being dismissive) and you can't tell them bad news (they will make it about them / turn into a starlet of tragedy). 

5.    them skewing everything you say

6.    them getting so much worse when they drink (I understand this one is true for a lot of different types of people from lots of different backgrounds - crazy that shit is still legal.)

7.    extremely manipulative, in general

8.    martyrdom like you wouldn't believe. 

9.     needing to / putting all of their fight and drive and energy into their outer appearance / the narrative they have created (falsely) for themselves. This will absolutely stop them from being anywhere near genuine. Probably ever. (Why would they be genuine when they can live in this make-believe? Especially with a herd of sheep who won't pick up on the truth?)

10.    they heard you the whole time - this will be proven by the way they scramble and backtrack / go back to square one and begin to love-bomb / actually bring up what you were saying / certain points you have made the entire time or way back in the beginning and try like hell to convince you that NOW they will try. Or NOW they are able to do it because "wow, [they] never saw it that way" / they had an epiphany. In hopes to drag you back in. 

You can't share anything with these people. What the hell is the point? I have never wanted a romantic relationship less. It has never seemed less attractive. I am over these people / this behavior / this useless way of spending time. Getting exhausted and even sick from it. I have said it for years and my mother has said it before me: 
    a.    just because I can handle it doesn't mean I should have to.
    b.    why does it take me killing myself to get a point across?

It shouldn't. And for many people (who I haven't dated!) in my life - it absolutely will never take me killing myself to get the point across. To be considered. To be treated with respect.

I know the chance of me attracting someone like this again must be terribly high (unless I have simply gotten the majority out of the way on my first half of the dating scene), but I truly hope I never have to deal with this kind of thing again. The good news is: Now that I am older / smarter / wiser / calmer / infinitely more experienced in all of it, I at least know that my chances of recognition and escape are climbing. 

Sunday the 15th

 Much along the lines of the previous post regarding being at work while the system is down / while experiencing a blackout: I am currently at a favorite local bar (the only one down here I will purposefully go to to get some writing done) during the slowest night I have ever witnessed. Surely one of the slowest the drink-masters behind the bar have. To enhance the mood: it is October, dark, rainy and dreary outside. And we have only just survived our second Friday the 13th of the year. It would be too spooky to leave the comfort and safety of one's comforter, had the undeniable feeling of badassery not been swinging thick in the air. 

What is this feeling? I imagine there is a German term for it that - should you be able to pronounce it - would describe this perfectly and essentially. Leaving nothing to be craved or forgotten by the turn of the last syllable. It is akin to (but better than, in my opinion) catching the matinee on a Tuesday. Just enough of a ticket line so you can properly ponder which flick to see. You get into the theater and find your seat; there's no one else there. You think 'Surely before the film starts there will be more bodies in seats'. And before your very eyes, the film starts and - behold! No additional bodies. It's just you! You have the theater "to yourself".

We love this feeling, we adore it; we pine for it. And yet (not to paraphrase Bukowski, of all people) we find it so daunting, at times, to be alone. We find it eerie / unsettling / unfortunate and unfavorable. Especially during times when we should expect to certainly not be alone. But there are these specific settings and layouts where the opposite can be the result. And it's not quite the same as it would be having an amusement park to one's self. It's more simple and whole / wholesome than that. Less selfish. More cozy. More... just the trendy / modern side of hygge, perhaps. 

It has an exciting side to it initially, along with the odd, because it is so unusual. An unexpected change. And furthermore / more specifically because it is a change you could not / did not control. (That's always exciting.) And then there's more comfort-magic to it when the rest sinks in: everything is a bit calmer, a bit quieter, a bit less chaotic. Everything is still in working order. There are still (maybe only just) enough people to keep everything running / smoothly. You're not missing out on anything. You can still see your film. You can still get your drink / your snacks. It's just a little bit better. Everyone who you want to be there is there and no one you don't. I think that's what it is. It's the stuff that makes places in the outside world feel a little more like they are simply extensions of your own living room. 

(Side note: I do not feel this way in a restaurant if I am the only one there. What is this phenomenon? What is the separation between the bar and the restaurant? Why does the restaurant feel like a stiff-backed wooden Medieval church pew in comparison to the bar?)

Anyfuckingway. 

I currently find myself in a favorite local bar, with my laptop, mostly alone on this eerie night and I am loving every minute of it. I feel like it is the perfect set up for a really good film with plenty of intriguing twists and turns. Something like Identity, but preferably much less menacing. No deaths, preferably. Or if there absolutely has to be: perhaps only off-screen. 

I never want this coziness to end. But then again: I guess that's part of what makes it so special. 

**this is the most ideal writing setting for me: a bar that is familiar and safe, not too crowded so I don't feel like I have to watch my back / my drink / my electronics. Still enough strange to make noise in the background so I don't feel anyone's eyes on me / don't feel as though I am the main attraction / main character / anyone to notice. A thing of beauty, tonight.**

October 2023 (a dramatic reading)

Late September, I wrote a private blog for myself stating that I didn't want this year to be over / I wasn't ready for it to end. This year has been another doozy (I think that's just how they're going to go from now on). But it had also been Great. I looked back on my year-at-a-glance tarot pull from 2023 and smiled as I recounted all of the good that has happened / that I have been able to accomplish / create / experience. 

Before even realizing that this was the second of a new month (I typically have Sat / Sun / Mondays off from work, so I get a bit out-of-sorts), it hit me: I was ready. I am ready. Because although I may not be ready to "let this one go", I am certainly ready - no, anxious - to see what lies ahead. I have had time to comfort myself and get comfortable with my "new self". I want great things for her. I miss her and have a great hunger to get better acquainted with her. 

I want her to work hard at the things she wants to and support her when she needs time to simply consume and get inspired. I want to help her find time to write and read and learn and grow. 

Surely I will look back at this entry with disdainful, wet eyes if tragedy is to strike in 2024, but if it was going to happen, it was going to happen. I know that I do not wish horrors on anyone, including myself. And I have gotten to a point with my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder where I can admit that being excited / hoping for one thing does not have any affect on what other / typically awful things happen within the interim. 

I have had much synchronicity as of late (especially within the last 30 days) and I think I have come to terms with the fact that: as long as I do my best and have my best intentions, I will (even very eventually) be lead to where I need to be. There will be an imperative thought that I would have done well to focus on... that will - at first - be all too fleeting. And later, as I casually play the latest podcast or video while cooking dinner, my mind will hear a familiar piece of that thought and be able to call it out / focus / re-focus onto it and allow me some grace. It will allow me another opportunity to sit with the imperative idea / ponder on it. Like "red car syndrome", but in a lovely way. Like "OCD guilt/superstition syndrome", but it's actually helpful and real. I think our minds have a way of attracting what we need. In the same way they say our feet will point in the direction of where we would like to go. Like how it feels when you are young and you swear you woke up right before the loud clanging of pots and pans downstairs. You didn't. Your mind is simply incredible and very much at work when you are not. It assigned the sound to the pots and pans by the time you woke up. 

That was rambly and filled with similes, but I think I will quite enjoy coming back to this one and reading it in a couple of months/years. 

Perhaps old me would not be ready for this year to end and that would be fine. I am quite done talking shit about her - I love her very much and am very proud of her. The "new me" is incredible and ready to face new things. Here we go into the unknown.  

Living on My Own

 Is the secret to surviving panic simply living on one's own?

I have never felt so incredibly calm / at peace / confident about impending winter. We will see how it goes in real-time, but honestly it's just nice feeling this way. On my own, I am not always peaceful, but I certainly extend the amount I am able to be at peace. It's insane how much easier things are when I am living on my own. Aside from those two years I lived with Bff, I truly don't know why I ever did it. Living with others, I mean. Oh, yes; the whole financial thing / insecure / afraid to live on my own thing. Well, anyway.

With the way things have been going in this world, I am starting to feel as though living on one's own may simply soon be a thing of the past. Not everyone will be able to do so. And so: I am even more thankful for the opportunity. Not everyone has an E to be bffs with / live with in perfect harmony. Perhaps I needed to come down here to blaze the trail and to give E and I both the opportunity to peacefully live on our own. To truly know what it is like. Not because your roommate fucked you over and left. Not because you got kicked out of the place you actually wanted to stay in. Nothing violent. Just our decisions that we made. Perhaps we will live together again at some point in the future and perhaps we will not. But I will say this: I could not be more pleased to know that neither of us will feel we missed out / feel resentment / be left wondering what "it would've been like". (Perhaps, still: not everything has meaning. But perhaps.)

Thinking back: there were quite a few years where I was convinced I would never live on my own. Then I didn't want to, for a slew of reasons. Whether it be due to fear or romance. Or, rather, my personal rushing of the social construct of "settling down". (I figured: I had the hard work / job thing down... what more did one NEED for a successful, adult relationship??) And although I may not be in "NYC", I am still in NY. In a high-up apartment, living very much on my own. Writing. Which is exactly what I fantasized about, back in the day. 

*Was pulled away from this - don't think I was done, but it's a bit late now. Going to leave it as is / maybe come back to it at another time and edit*