Planning, Lately

I love organizing and preparing. It can be hard work that comes in very long, patient, steady strings as opposed to quick shot bursts, but it brings me comfort. And it makes me feel like: "Welp, if something goes terribly wrong now, at least I know I tried my best / actually did my part / there was nothing I could have done / controlled".

This comes from needing to be very careful / being in charge of many important things for myself and others since I was... 15? Let's say mid-teens. (Disaster was not an option!) It's an attribute of mine that I do not resent. (Relaxation is overrated.)

However! I tend to do this thing where: as soon as I know I might be going in a certain direction / might need to plan a bit in the future, I start planning immediately. Which, in theory sounds great, but once I start planning, I do not stop. Blame it on nervousness, disorders, whatever you'd like - but it's a fact. And in doing so: I end up going through a few stages.

1.    EXCITEMENT and, knowing me, at least slight panic. 
2.    NOTEBOOKS diagrams, calendars / schedules, lists, charts. Careful curation. Keeping to myself. 
3.    REPETITION wherein I realize: there are many days between now and the goal / I just keep writing and charting the same five things and nothing is getting further planned / accomplished. I need to wait. 
4.    SHARING the information with anyone I like because even though they might not be interested in the least / it's so far out, there's no need to worry anyone about it / they'll surely forget, it scratches that itch of productivity while I wait for there to be an excuse to start planning again.
5.    THE SHIFT wherein I finally get super-realistic / maybe get a bit sick of being SO careful on/with/about the project and honestly: where I typically do my best work. 

Step 5 is also where - if I have been planning to move out - I finally get that quiet peace upon admitting: I actually don't care if any of my material "stuff" makes it. I just need to make sure I get to my destination in one piece / keep Jasper and Shake in one piece and hold onto important paperwork.

The way I see it (eventually!) is: I am not a collector. I don't own anything rare and fragile / precious in that way. There is nothing I own that I could not work toward having again, should I lose it. I can buy more plants, more books, more clothes and makeup... And I have been given, somehow, a total of 3 laptops in my lifespan. (One new, two used.)

At least I am only responsible for myself in this one. I love being on my own watch. It's so much easier than trying to juggle multiple people's priorities / sensitivities / abilities / times and schedules. Also: I hate being responsible for others, as crass as that might sound. I'm far more interested in minding my own business and only having my own variables to worry about.

Cerebral Satiation

I wish I could read a book and write a blog / creative write at the same time. 
Perhaps I've had too much redbull.

This weekend: is it the rest? The relaxation? The avalanche of CBD products imbibed? Or perhaps the complete and utter lack of social planning? I'm not sure. Lately (as I might have brought up / mentioned in a previous blog), I have been feeling more creative and artsy. I somewhat lost it last week and it's come back tenfold this weekend. I mentioned on my instagram today: 

"When I crave something for food / flavor, I find it easy to find the right food / solution. When I crave something cerebral...ly, I typically find it more difficult to satiate." 

I also mentioned that perhaps the secret weapon for creativity / a happy brain is to have less things. Less comforts. Less distractions. I have always joked with my best friend about my innate need to be less-than-perfectly-comfortable in a chair / sofa situation when socializing. I find the kind of seats that suck you in and pull you into a more lateral position to be quite distracting. It almost makes me panic. When I'm trying to socialize / keep my attention on my friends / whoever is speaking, I mean. I feel the same way about productivity. I love comfort. I love to revel in it. However, I find it to be the enemy of productivity / accomplishment. Also worth mentioning: I am addicted to accomplishment(s). So if there is even a chance to feel accomplished throughout the day, I will more than likely spend the day in a less-than-perfectly-comfortable position. (If I'm less comfortable on the sofa, scrolling through my phone, it will feel infinitely less tragic when I abandon said sofa to clean the kitchen.)

ANYway, I am feeling cerebrally under-satiated today and I have no idea how to feed it. I have already blogged twice, done yoga, journalled, did a strange little sewing project, downsized and reorganized / packed my makeup and jewelry, created a capsule wardrobe (for my last two weeks in town)... I would like to read my little mystery novel, but I also feel like it will make me restless. I am specifically in the mood to create, organize, be clever... do something. With my paws. Even if it is simply making silly little friendship bracelets or clacking on the keys. 

Wish me luck. And if I have even the slightest inspiration, you will see me later today. 

Spring Changes

Iiiiiiiit's my birthday month, baybee!!

I count March as "late winter" (even post-Ostara), but April? That's spring, all day, baby. We've had a little snow, but only very little. We've had a bit of rain and clouds and we've also had a decent amount of sun. I am so happy. Returning, once again, to the comfort of being tethered to me / my body / mind. Returning to life. No longer whipping around like a released balloon. 

Time to get back to things like reading and writing. And likely ease up on the cooking and baking a bit, as the appeal of socializing in restaurants will once more be upon me. (RIP, savings account.)

I wonder if I'll dye my hair, once the weather turns. I haven't dyed it since coming down here, nearly 3 years ago. Whatever I lacked in dye and bleach, I have more than made up for it in cuts and styles. I've had long blond, blond bob, grown the blond out and gotten a pixie, grown it all out into a shag kind of situation, shaved it bald for the first time, grown out a mohawk for the first time and now it's grown into a kind of pixie, again. (Wow. I really just went on for a paragraph about my hair. WOMEN, amIright??)

How exhilarating: going through a big move while the weather is changing for the better! (My move down here was October 2, 2021.) Historically speaking, I know a few of my big events have occurred between the span of my birthday and Mother's Day. In fact... let's take a quick peek at the highlights. 

Last May I started working on getting my new place / studio apartment - living on my own in the big... state... (Fuck ever living in New York City. Especially alone.)

2021 I reconnected (or, arguably connected in the first place) with my current partner ^.^

2020 I moved into an apartment with my best friend <3

2018 I left Southern Maine for Turner / Lewiston Maine 

2017 I had my last day at Marche (a place that no longer exists) and began my move to Southern Maine

2016 I left evil grandmother's house / got my mother her own / lived with her there
(bonus: this was my 27th birthday / my bday is the 27th so my friends and I ran off to stay on a houseboat in Florida for a little bit)

2015 I left North Conway, New Hampshire to return to Maine (living in Turner, working in Brunswick)

2014 I left (Auburn for work / Lewiston for living) Maine for North Conway, New Hampshire. 

...And if we're counting this one: May 2013 is when I finally got an instagram / my first post. 

All in late April, early May! So bizarre. I guess I never thought of it. Granted: other grand things have happened in plenty of other months in my life, but it is so interesting how the above all worked out. 

I wonder how much of it is simply how things turned out and how much of it is a deep craving for change, once spring comes along.