Commentary on a video nobody cares about

 After watching the video by Soft White Underbelly "Three Generations of Trauma- Lynanda, Nikki and Trinity" (which covers the edited life stories of a grandmother, mother and daughter), I have some thoughts. 

Grandmother Lynanda told a story in which she was the victim and she pushed through and now is all about love. Love, love, love. It's all there is. It's all you need, it's the theme of her life and the only thing that kept her going, etc... She was treated like shit/taken advantage of and abused in her very early years on this earth and - turns out - fulfilled the prophecy of continuing the generational trauma. Perhaps not by doing the abuse/treating like shit (of her child/children) directly, but by looking the other way while other parties (that she had welcomed in her/her children's life/ves) did the horrific acts. By letting it happen. 

She tries to cover her lack of courage with this story line about how "we're not so different, you and I" / how she's all about forgiveness of the people who do horrible things. Because I guess she's the Dalai fucking Lama. No cowardice here. Reason for everything. Just don't close your heart, ya know?

This prophecy fulfilling certainly was not addressed in Lynanda's story - only what happened to her. It wasn't necessarily made clear to me until the second woman (Nikki) explained her life in a nutshell. Pretty early on mentioned how she (Nikki) was abused by two men (who L let in to their lives), many separate occasions. When N was explaining all of this, all L did was get rigid and squirmy and silently nodded her head. It took the host of this strange operation to cut in and say something to the effect of "and L, how did you feel about this? Did you not know this was going on?" to which L explains how when she "found out" (whatever that means) about the first guy, she took N to the doctor's office to confirm that it was happening - essentially to prove that N wasn't lying - and followed up by going to the police. L alleges that the police expressed that they "thought it would be a better thing to not press charges at her age. So we didn't do anything further."

L leaves the stage. The floor is, once again, N's. 

N then proceeds with her story, mentioning that she was always promiscuous/from even twelve years old, she can recall times men would tell her how sexy she was. How she would date older guys but "everyone in the world was older than me at that point". Then mentions how she started drinking and smoking pot in fifth grade. And if she's telling all of this in a linear fashion: Jesus Christ. (Bares mentioning that this is the first and only point L even bothers to feign ignorance/surprise by acting out a "whaaa?" kind of scowl toward N. This is in response to the fifth grade partying. Not the twelve year old dating or the who-knows-how-young abuse.)

What I would like to focus on, at this point: 

1. L mentions nothing of the second man's abuse (could this be because it was L's brother this time/a little too close for L's comfort? To have to admit that her own sibling had done this? To have to face exposing him and - in doing so - taint the way he sees her?)

2. L took her daughter to the police and allegedly the police discouraged L from reporting it. Which could happen. But then what? L just shrugged it off and said "yeah, I guess you're right. Welp, see ya! Thanks for all your help and insights!"

3. L says, in the video, the police "thought it would be a better thing to not press charges at her age." She says it in a way that seems as though she could have just shoe-horned that last bit about the alleged denial being "about her" (N) so that L could keep herself successfully hidden. From being exposed as an abuser apologist. Or just downright coward. "It wasn't about protecting me! OR that POS man! It was all for her! And also it was the police's idea, yeah, that's the ticket!"

4.  L feels as though she's covered her ass well enough for the meat of the story. And to stick the landing: "So we didn't do anything further," as she artfully decides to swish her face lovingly to her daughter. WE? You have GOT to be kidding me. Oh so you and your, what, 9 year old child had a conference and came to a decision? About this terrifying thing that you brought onto her? And surely you were anything but persuasive?

It's clear as day. Never questioned a person's character so quickly. And yet, the comments on the video: 

Others go on to say how incredible all three of them are and how strong. I know two things can be true at once, but this is not one of those times: strong? Incredible? Maybe in the way of "Wow, what a piece of work that lady is. Incredible." 

How is it that this can be clear as hell to me but not to the others? Is it just the audience videos like his tend to bring in? Or more specifically: the audience who tend to comment on videos like these?

I know this is a hyper-specific example, but this kind of thing happens all the time. Things are devastatingly clear to me while nobody around me has even an inkling. I know incredibly intelligent people. And I'm not lonely enough to be brilliant, so what IS it?

Some of it, naturally, can be chalked up to how we "believe what we want" in certain intervals. Whether it be to protect ourselves (from truth/trauma or guilt) or just to make things easier (a type of avoidance, perhaps). Not being able to / not allowing yourself to believe something, sure. But what about the astounding remaining mass which complete the percentage of un-knowers? This has bothered me since a terribly young age and I fear I am no closer to the answer. And I can't ask anyone about it because everyone I know doesn't pick up on these things I pick up on. 

Or is it secret option number two: There's absolutely nothing actually going on underneath the surface and my brain is in pieces. Ideas traveling down neural pathways that don't even exist. I would say it's time for therapy, but I don't want to end up in buckles. 

Proof of History

Why is it so heartbreaking to not have someone around who knows your history? Who - in one way or another - grew up with you? Who remembers you when?

I think it's sad in another way to only hold onto people because you have known them so long. Or because you are family. (I have no wish to do this. If people don't align with each other in important ways and are unwilling to change/grow, I think it's best sometimes to separate.)

I have no old ties. No blood family. Certainly no one from high school or earlier - I barely made it out of there alive. (It was really fun at times/a nice escape from home, but I obviously didn't make any lasting bonds / no one who earnestly tries to connect / who I currently see. Just a bunch of people with different lives.) Because of this lack of old ties: It feels like I suddenly didn't exist until my late twenties (when I met my best friend). Like everything that happened before has been erased. But why? I know it happened - I was there! It feels embarrassing to admit that I need witnesses to my past to prove that it happened. Not to mention: why does "what happened" matter so much? I think it's the strangest thing. I've always been so self-reliant and independent - Feels so strange to miss the mark here. 

I'm ever grateful for the beautiful people who surround me - these are the non-toxic acrylics that fill the canvas, that create the art. It's just so strange to say goodbye to your history. And 36 seems an odd age to do it. And this seems an odd way to do so. 

I don't know that anyone will understand the layer and complication to the scenario that led me to lose the last piece of my past, but I guess that happens. Some of these people still have their high school or college friends / their childhood neighbors / every last member of their family. Some of them could even visit their childhood bedroom - left untouched! So this feels very much like "just one more thing" I'll have to go through alone, in a way. But hey, maybe I'll start to forget the other stuff I went through solo since I will no longer have someone to remind me that it happened?

The whole thing just seems strange. But I'd rather have no old ties than have any who don't actually care about me. (I refuse to feel the kind of loneliness one can feel in the company of others.) And now I will have more time to spend with the precious peaches who do treat me well. But as a friend and I like to say: "Two things can be true at once". And this will also be difficult to navigate. 

May 2025 and I'm still writing in this goddamn blog.

Well lordy-loo.

It's been a minute. 

The good news: taxes were a fuck of a time, but I have accomplished them. received my five cents. Avoided prison. Thank you, government. *salutes* And as long as I don't move out of state again, this year should be way easier! I would like to say this is just a silly joke to make, but really: when have I not randomly picked up and moved? Fingers crossed!

I still work at the ol' law firm / loving it / kicking much ass / taking many names / my boss is bomb and my co-workers are bad the bone. I've still been dealing with some turmoil involving family, but at least I have been able to connect with the chosen fam and either bitch about it or remember nothing has to be that big. Or both. 

Came out of April ready to jump off a damn cliff (not really, but you get it) and came into May grounded, grateful, powerful and magnanimous. (April death wishes bring May hugs and kisses, amiright, fellas?)

In a bit of a waiting period with a few things, but it - for once - doesn't feel like being in limbo. It's just waiting. And knowing I can't do anything until the decision is made or maybe someone else pulls a trigger. And completely enjoying the in-between time where I finally don't have to be bloody active. I'll get the "call". Until then: going about my own day and enjoying myself. 

++++++

I didn't get to have my silly little birthday this year. And not in a "it's 2020 and nobody's having their birthday, girl, get over yourself". More in a "man, I don't ask for much and things have been nuts and the one thing I was hanging onto pretty tightly was this stupid excuse to do something really nice / the one of two holidays (I know that's not technically one, but what tf is it?) that I actually care about and look forward to has been snatched from me and not because of something I did / some bad decision I've made"... kind of way. 

But I'm also not a toddler, so I guess I should get over it. I will. Not yet. 
Not pissed / just thrown and bummed (sounds like a fine Saturday night to me, HONEY. ifykyk).

In being thrown, however, I've been jolted into reality. Like when you've been driving on the highway at night for too long and "time travel" / get brought back to the driver's seat by some song or some lights or some car or some animal. And honestly: it's fierce. 

I'm even more awake than usual - and just in time to enjoy not dealing with the mess of shit I was dealing with in December! Hellyeah. Let's hear it for timing. 

++++++

I've got an impending dinner with my sis from another miss and it can 
not
happen
soon enough. 

We were supposed to see each other in April! Nearly a month ago, now, and I'm DYING. It's such a damn privilege having friends like this in one's life. One's nearby. One's in NY. And one will be having dinner with me - God willing - tomorrow. 

++++++

I'm running again! It's real slow-goin', but we're gettin' there. I forgot how good it feels to run out whatever dumb frustrations and have a clearer head (and some endorphins for your troubles).

Maybe I'll go for a run today <3