*READS ONE PSYCH BOOK*
**I have been reading / watching / listening to books & content in the social sciences field. I have also been - perhaps because of this - watching my younger self take the helm and finally get to do whatever she wants (with the only adult being me / I'm certainly not going to yell at her). In doing so: I've been giving myself a lot more opportunity to "catch myself thinking", to paraphrase the Bahamas. I've finally been pondering again. In a big enough way to fuel at least a couple of blogs. I have missed this feeling. Reflection. Heavy considering. Processing. I feel most fortunate today. This is one of my absolute favorite activities in the world - a gift, to be certain.**
Regarding growth / self-betterment: must I actively/always think about the people I have had to "get through", the people who treat/ed me in a way I do not accept? Or is moving on enough? Can moving on include not thinking about them until someone else brings them up, or is that a kind of avoidance or burial? I would rather have space than obsess over something.
Once I'm done with something, I tend to really be done with it (obviously there are exceptions). But I know I have been this way since fairly young, so I wonder (now in my thirties) if this has ever been an acceptable way to go about this.
The (2) female role models in my family had a pattern of:
1. explosion / yelling / fighting in some capacity
2. absence
3. appearance, while certainly never discussing that thing that just happened / never apologizing and simply pretending nothing had changed. (Which seems Avoidant.)
The (1) male role model pretended everything was honky dory because he needed everyone's approval / to seem like a really sweet lovable guy. (Which seems Passive.)
We all have our issues.
What I'm trying to say is: I do not wish to be one of these people. I do not wish to match. I would rather not run away from my problems. I would rather confront them head on and have a discussion / if need be: a fight (humans have emotions and those of us pretending not to are only hurting themselves & others). Address whatever it is that is currently bothering - preferably without bringing up all of this score-keeping bologna / shit from the past (something else my two women role models had in common/that drove me bananas). Either:
a.) come to a solution / action plan of sorts
b.) not find a solution but at least express yourselves / get "it" off of chest(s).
I only hope I'm doing the right things. And I don't want to ask "just someone", because I really want to feel confident in the answer. I guess there comes a time where: as long as you can live with yourself / be happy with what you do, you're good. But I want to be better than my last self / I want to improve. And I think I could do so in the avenue if I only knew that I was in the right direction.
Looks like I need guidance.
Either religion or therapy.
And I like my lazy Sunday mornings.
So I guess I had better get some health insurance.
