Planning, Lately

I love organizing and preparing. It can be hard work that comes in very long, patient, steady strings as opposed to quick shot bursts, but it brings me comfort. And it makes me feel like: "Welp, if something goes terribly wrong now, at least I know I tried my best / actually did my part / there was nothing I could have done / controlled".

This comes from needing to be very careful / being in charge of many important things for myself and others since I was... 15? Let's say mid-teens. (Disaster was not an option!) It's an attribute of mine that I do not resent. (Relaxation is overrated.)

However! I tend to do this thing where: as soon as I know I might be going in a certain direction / might need to plan a bit in the future, I start planning immediately. Which, in theory sounds great, but once I start planning, I do not stop. Blame it on nervousness, disorders, whatever you'd like - but it's a fact. And in doing so: I end up going through a few stages.

1.    EXCITEMENT and, knowing me, at least slight panic. 
2.    NOTEBOOKS diagrams, calendars / schedules, lists, charts. Careful curation. Keeping to myself. 
3.    REPETITION wherein I realize: there are many days between now and the goal / I just keep writing and charting the same five things and nothing is getting further planned / accomplished. I need to wait. 
4.    SHARING the information with anyone I like because even though they might not be interested in the least / it's so far out, there's no need to worry anyone about it / they'll surely forget, it scratches that itch of productivity while I wait for there to be an excuse to start planning again.
5.    THE SHIFT wherein I finally get super-realistic / maybe get a bit sick of being SO careful on/with/about the project and honestly: where I typically do my best work. 

Step 5 is also where - if I have been planning to move out - I finally get that quiet peace upon admitting: I actually don't care if any of my material "stuff" makes it. I just need to make sure I get to my destination in one piece / keep Jasper and Shake in one piece and hold onto important paperwork.

The way I see it (eventually!) is: I am not a collector. I don't own anything rare and fragile / precious in that way. There is nothing I own that I could not work toward having again, should I lose it. I can buy more plants, more books, more clothes and makeup... And I have been given, somehow, a total of 3 laptops in my lifespan. (One new, two used.)

At least I am only responsible for myself in this one. I love being on my own watch. It's so much easier than trying to juggle multiple people's priorities / sensitivities / abilities / times and schedules. Also: I hate being responsible for others, as crass as that might sound. I'm far more interested in minding my own business and only having my own variables to worry about.

Cerebral Satiation

I wish I could read a book and write a blog / creative write at the same time. 
Perhaps I've had too much redbull.

This weekend: is it the rest? The relaxation? The avalanche of CBD products imbibed? Or perhaps the complete and utter lack of social planning? I'm not sure. Lately (as I might have brought up / mentioned in a previous blog), I have been feeling more creative and artsy. I somewhat lost it last week and it's come back tenfold this weekend. I mentioned on my instagram today: 

"When I crave something for food / flavor, I find it easy to find the right food / solution. When I crave something cerebral...ly, I typically find it more difficult to satiate." 

I also mentioned that perhaps the secret weapon for creativity / a happy brain is to have less things. Less comforts. Less distractions. I have always joked with my best friend about my innate need to be less-than-perfectly-comfortable in a chair / sofa situation when socializing. I find the kind of seats that suck you in and pull you into a more lateral position to be quite distracting. It almost makes me panic. When I'm trying to socialize / keep my attention on my friends / whoever is speaking, I mean. I feel the same way about productivity. I love comfort. I love to revel in it. However, I find it to be the enemy of productivity / accomplishment. Also worth mentioning: I am addicted to accomplishment(s). So if there is even a chance to feel accomplished throughout the day, I will more than likely spend the day in a less-than-perfectly-comfortable position. (If I'm less comfortable on the sofa, scrolling through my phone, it will feel infinitely less tragic when I abandon said sofa to clean the kitchen.)

ANYway, I am feeling cerebrally under-satiated today and I have no idea how to feed it. I have already blogged twice, done yoga, journalled, did a strange little sewing project, downsized and reorganized / packed my makeup and jewelry, created a capsule wardrobe (for my last two weeks in town)... I would like to read my little mystery novel, but I also feel like it will make me restless. I am specifically in the mood to create, organize, be clever... do something. With my paws. Even if it is simply making silly little friendship bracelets or clacking on the keys. 

Wish me luck. And if I have even the slightest inspiration, you will see me later today. 

Spring Changes

Iiiiiiiit's my birthday month, baybee!!

I count March as "late winter" (even post-Ostara), but April? That's spring, all day, baby. We've had a little snow, but only very little. We've had a bit of rain and clouds and we've also had a decent amount of sun. I am so happy. Returning, once again, to the comfort of being tethered to me / my body / mind. Returning to life. No longer whipping around like a released balloon. 

Time to get back to things like reading and writing. And likely ease up on the cooking and baking a bit, as the appeal of socializing in restaurants will once more be upon me. (RIP, savings account.)

I wonder if I'll dye my hair, once the weather turns. I haven't dyed it since coming down here, nearly 3 years ago. Whatever I lacked in dye and bleach, I have more than made up for it in cuts and styles. I've had long blond, blond bob, grown the blond out and gotten a pixie, grown it all out into a shag kind of situation, shaved it bald for the first time, grown out a mohawk for the first time and now it's grown into a kind of pixie, again. (Wow. I really just went on for a paragraph about my hair. WOMEN, amIright??)

How exhilarating: going through a big move while the weather is changing for the better! (My move down here was October 2, 2021.) Historically speaking, I know a few of my big events have occurred between the span of my birthday and Mother's Day. In fact... let's take a quick peek at the highlights. 

Last May I started working on getting my new place / studio apartment - living on my own in the big... state... (Fuck ever living in New York City. Especially alone.)

2021 I reconnected (or, arguably connected in the first place) with my current partner ^.^

2020 I moved into an apartment with my best friend <3

2018 I left Southern Maine for Turner / Lewiston Maine 

2017 I had my last day at Marche (a place that no longer exists) and began my move to Southern Maine

2016 I left evil grandmother's house / got my mother her own / lived with her there
(bonus: this was my 27th birthday / my bday is the 27th so my friends and I ran off to stay on a houseboat in Florida for a little bit)

2015 I left North Conway, New Hampshire to return to Maine (living in Turner, working in Brunswick)

2014 I left (Auburn for work / Lewiston for living) Maine for North Conway, New Hampshire. 

...And if we're counting this one: May 2013 is when I finally got an instagram / my first post. 

All in late April, early May! So bizarre. I guess I never thought of it. Granted: other grand things have happened in plenty of other months in my life, but it is so interesting how the above all worked out. 

I wonder how much of it is simply how things turned out and how much of it is a deep craving for change, once spring comes along. 

March 2024

I am sitting at the desk my sous chef's wife gave me. 
On the folding chair I thrifted. 
Typing on the laptop my mother got me for Christmas (AGES ago).
Eating a baked good from the vegan restaurant across the street.
Sipping on an organic Pinot Noir from the liquor store that resides two tiny buildings away from mine. 

There were a few things in the air, making me anxious and pulling me away from the wonder of this life and now they are either completely solved or very-much-less in the air. Politely hovering just above ground. I know what happens when people relax too much / something gets forgotten / out of line in a way that would surely be the end of me, so I refuse to do so. However. I am trying to really not blow things out of proportion and actually relax a little and enjoy myself. A little. 

In a little while (great U2 track), I will no longer be down here and because of this, naturally it is my duty to be as present as possible and soak up all the goodness New York has to offer me. (It's not overwhelming by any means, this "goodness". But there is some. And that some is very lovely, indeed and I do not intend on taking it for granted.)

I wonder if life will never be as simple again. I wonder what will replace the simplicity. The simplicity one can only achieve when one is living in essential anonymity in a mystery state, far away from memories of who they always had been. Away from the responsibility / quiet obligation of being that person again. Those quiet obligations are, in reality, but whispering insecurities. One does not actually have to go back to who they once were. And I am hoping to be strong enough to trot confidently past such old habits and ways. I have grown and changed (after about 3 years, I would hope so) and really love who I've become throughout the interim. I would like to only continue growing from here. Hopefully I will be able to do so. 

I've finally done it: I've finally got the city studio in New York state. I've written here. I've created and adventured and made friends and created new habits. I have been able to wake up on my own time and decide - on a whim - to leave the apartment and take a walk for ice cream or food or a drink or meeting up with friends or to visit a used book shop. I have done it and now: I am done. Could I have done with more days like this? Sure, why not. But they are no longer necessary. And the things that are necessary are not here. And so: I am done. Time to move on. This is how I grow. 

It's been really cool seeing just what I am actually capable of. Living on my own in a state where I only know my ex / keeping up with finances just fine (a fact that shocked me but made my mother throw up her hands and say things like: "I dunno why you think you're not able to do things. You should know by now"). I have also learned: life is just SOOOO much better when I don't have to deal with customers for a living. There are customers (guests) in the restaurant that I work at, yes. But I do not actually have to interact with them. And that is solid gold. I have no idea what I'll be doing after I move, but I will say this: it's been really fucking nice. 

I have been creating like a wild woman lately (drawing / sketching / journaling / blogging / editing clothing / collaging...) and I had a paint project all lined up and thought out but... I already sent my precious paints away! So instead: I think for the remainder of the evening, I shall sip away at my Pinot Noir, read a bit and fall asleep to Drag Race. 

Solid. 

Mid-February / Winter Check-In

 It is currently what I would describe as the "wee hours of the morning". The snow is being violently wind whipped just outside my windows and I am writing by lantern light. Further proving I would make an excellent pioneer man. 

If you can't read my sense of humor by now, I need you to leave this blog and never come back.
No, wait - come back!

February is always the hardest month, weather-wise, for me. Because even if it isn't the most terrible temperatures of the season (which so far: it is), it's the last stretch of poo weather before Spring comes to save us all. (How about those people who LIKE winter? What are they called? Oh, yes: my enemies.) And this year February is even LONGER for me, as I am not-so-patiently awaiting my trip back home in March! I do this every year so that I am able to spend some birthday time with my best friend, yes. But now that there is another reason to visit: I am dying a slow and painful death about it and not being dramatic in the least. 

My mother, only just this year, asked me: my birthday is in February: why do you not come up to visit me for my birthday? 

To which I frankly answered: because, mother: it is February. 

I have a hard enough roll of the dice getting my ass outta bed for work during the thick of the winter season. You think an eight-hour solo mission to the COLD STATE is a viable option? God bless America. 

Otherwise? This winter has been downright manageable. I don't want to speak too soon, etc... but so far so good. I believe, ironically, the thing that is making February so torturous is the very same thing that is making the season in its entirety not seem so bad. <3 We've just gotta get through it and be very glad there is heat in the apartment. And that our car's engine keeps turning over when we need it to. 

("We" is ...likely me. You and me, perhaps? And if so: thanks for being so supportive.)

ALSO: I would like to throw back to my list of new winter tries!

   1. jazz hour
   2. a focus on lighting
   3. incense & holder
   4. skincare focus
   5. research 3 new recipes

And how have they gone, so far?

   Jazz hour has morphed into jazz hours, jazz spotify discoveries and even live jazz, at one point. I have also danced more in this stupid little studio apartment than ever before / taken stupid little videos and had so much fun throughout. 

   Lighting was / is essentially just one new amazon lantern thing (that I am currently writing by / see aforementioned pioneering) that was cheap, rechargeable and honestly: one of the best investments ever. It is mobile and lightweight and creates the loveliest soft light in this gentle yellow hue. I have used it not only in the main room / to read & journal by, but also multiple times in the bathroom for a very relaxing shower experience. Changes the whole vibe! In the words of Jenny Mustard: "Recommend, recommend."

   Incense & holder: you don't have time or energy to clean? You already have good lighting? The next best way to instantly cozy up your home is scent. When my two lovelies came over to help my purge my STUFF, the first thing I did was light some Nag Champa. So deliciously warm, spicy and inviting. 

   Skincare focus: my regime has never worked so well for me / I'm learning more and loving every minute of it. Also: my little paws are much less dry/cracked than they usually are by this point in the season. As is my nose!

   As far as researching 3 new recipes... Hm, let's see: I know I did that butter bean "alfredo sauce" pasta from Edgy Veg... I also made those Mexican chocolate cookies... that sage and tomato pasta was certainly a new fave. Oh, and that quick peanut butter-frosting-cake I tried (using seltzer water). All came out at least fine, some came out sinfully delicious (to quote the cocoa devil). Nice! I haven't the foggiest if all of those were discovered/tried at the time that could be considered "winter", but at least I tried them!

I think that was enough ramblings for one entry. Perhaps I should get a nap in before I tend to the fields. 
See you in the next!

Memories / Staying Up Late / Staying In

I want to blog tonight (just got out of work at the old restaurant) and I was wondering what I would blog about. I was recalling times, on the sled of tonight's after-work-cigarette, down here when I would clock out, wait for everyone else to finish, head over to one of the neighborhood bars and have a few beers with my crew. Or, at least, what was left of the crew / the few remaining brave who would be willing to postpone their ride home for a few beers longer. 

I thought of how, for a moment in time, I would never have a plan but always "end up" somewhere. With someone. It was fun, of course! But holy hell, was I beat the next day. And I would wonder why I was so tired the next shift. Some of these nights I would stay out so late that I would arrive home finally at three in the morning! I am small and weak and am anything but a fighter: what business, exactly, do I have existing outside of safe walls after midnight? (None! That's what!)

At any rate: as I said in my previous blog; I am sure there are seasons to this kind of behavior. But for now I am happy that I have since reeled in the reigns. 

I was about to begin this thought process / blog tonight when I noticed a draft in my cache: 

 I'm going to start this now and hopefully finish it later tonight when I - after declining the temptation of a free shifty - arrive home at a very reasonable hour. 

I want more and more time in my apartment. Yes, the cold weather is a factor in this, but also: I just really like my home. It's a stupid little home and is lately a bit chilly for my liking (when it's not Bowser-Level hot. We'll get the hang of the heat this year, boys - just you wait!) but it is simple. I am in the least amount of trouble when I am minding my own business and let me tell you: I am never minding my own business more than when I am holed away in my silly little cave. 

I have also (FINALLY) come to terms with the fact that: I am paying to live here, in this space. Why am I not spending any bloody time in it? There's so much stuff to do in here. And it's nearly all things that I like to do, as I am the only person who curated the space. Writing, reading, journaling, blogging, yoga-ing, cooking, baking, organizing, dancing, painting, sewing, solving puzzles, calling my mother, drinking coffee, eating good food, listening to good music / podcasts / youtube channels... sleeping! It's all here! What exactly am I running from? Fun?? A satisfying / good time with one of my favorite people (me)??

I always like looking back at my instagram/snapchat memories and at my old blog entries to see what I have forgotten. I lack my mother's photo albums, filled categorically with happy faces of friends and family at countless houses, apartments, yards and finished basements. I have moved countless times. Lord knows my partners have come and gone. I am who I have to recall my history: if I do not remember it, no one will. If I ever forget the way the blue tape wrapped around the heater in the main room. The way my street looked like something from a Park Avenue in a hand-drawn Disney film; better than it ever had a right to. The way the flowers dried once I taped the concert bouquet to the wall, around my Frida puzzle art. 

This partial entry in blue: this is a precious little chunk of what I would like to remember. 

More later. My favorite person is speaking to me.

2024: Let's Gooooo

 Halfway through the second month of 2024 and I have yet to write a blog?? 

LET'S TAKE TO THE KEYS.

First of all: one of my first posts ever (could have been my first / I can't be bothered to check) was on taxes and how stressful I find them to be. Seven years later and I am proud to announce: nothing has changed. Well, not nothing. I now have to deal with things like filing taxes out of state and early 401k withdrawals. (I am currently awaiting a certain 401k document before I even attempt to complete taxes for last year. I am having a quiet panic attack.) 

On the beat of deadlines: I was able to dodge jury duty last year by the skin of my teeth. The way I was able to do so: I was told I have impending duties coming in April (happy brthday, ho) and I am moving shortly thereafter... so perhaps I will be able to change my address beforehand? Otherwise the timeline may give me indigestion. Also: what a shit way to end things. Hilarious, but shit. Also, also: I want to crunch some hours in before I scoot so I will be able to take as much time off to just enjoy the new space once I arrive. And I will not be able to do that if I have to take time off for jury duty. (Two fuckin years down here and I get slapped with Grand Juror #1. Unreal.)

I hope I remember to end my electric services beforehand... and I also hope that they actually end my services immediately / properly and that I don't get charged a buttload for no reason when I'm not even occupying the space. Ah, electric companies. They really got us by the balls, don't they? We'll see who's laughing when we learn to live without electricity!

On the moving beat: I have (with the help of a few lovely individuals) purged a bunch of STUFF that I have collected in my 7 month stay in this studio apartment. I had so much fun thrifting (the thrill of the hunt!) and renewing and repurposing and reconfiguring things and designing and curating... and I had a lot of lovely times living around all the aforementioned stuff, but it also felt good to let a bunch of it go. I am having a minimalist renaissance and I am loving every minute of it. I'm sure I'll get comfortable again and gain a bunch of stuff once more. Everything comes in cycles, right? Seasons. I have seasons of writing like crazy / not, reading / not... being a minimalist / not. It's the forever fight of: visually exciting vs. logically efficient. Duality is gorgeous, but tough. 

I am going to miss the friends I have made down here. I will miss the quick, casual looks / jokes / dances / fun idiocy and brilliant chats that only people who live in close proximity have. I will miss the fashions. The age ranges (and how not everyone here is 100 years old). The vegan restaurants / plethora of options everywhere, the cafes and fact that you can get a coffee just about anywhere. The giant book store and cool options at thrifts stores and second hand shops and vintage stores and even TJMaxx. The visually appealing neighborhoods to go on walks through. The gorgeous grocery stores. the fact that there are plant shops - not home depot! Not a gift shop with a plant or two! An actual plant SHOP. The brilliant food and drink / restaurant and bar scene will be thoroughly missed. 

However. 

Just because I don't live somewhere doesn't mean I cannot visit. And to quote Pale Honey: "This city was never mine". It was super cool to explore, once I finally felt comfortable enough to do so, but I do not necessarily belong here. I don't know that I believe in "belonging" in physical places / towns / cities etc. To quote Dave Matthews Band: "Turns out, not where, but who you're with that really matters". I have always thought that. Before I even met most of the incredible people I have met. 

Speaking of: I was thinking, before I "took to the keys" tonight, that I haven't blogged in a hot minute. And even when I did, maybe I wouldn't publish it. I started to wonder why. Especially since I have the space and time to write to my heart's content at the moment / have for a hot minute (at least 7 months!). To find out, I tried to find what purpose this blog served. Throughout the seven years (is seven my number, right now??), it's been a place I could count on to free-write. For free-thought. A place to ponder and philosophize. To have the conversations I couldn't have with others / I was missing in my life.

Ah. There it was. 

I know we will all continue to grow and our needs will flow into something else, but at this point in time: I have been fortunate enough to meet and connect with a collection of dazzling thinkers and lovers. The people I have been waiting for to have these conversations with. I was only missing a piece (a tall piece, at over six feet tall) for a bit, and now I've regained stasis. Better than stasis - all of us have grown and done. We've gone and lived. And tried and learned. I am incredibly proud of us and staggeringly thankful for them. 

I would like to keep blogging whenever possible (if for no other reason than to have dependable support throughout tax season). And I'm sure I'll hit another "season" with it. For now, I am simply reveling in the Good surrounding me. (Which, now, consists of considerably less STUFF.)