What is this need we have to share our own thoughts? To have them be not only heard, but known? Why have I created this blog, just to get my thoughts on some anonymous forum? Is it some kind of accidental result from evolving farther in one direction than we should have / were actually built for? Is Philosophy just the result of an evolutionary mistake? Is there no reason to this, and the answer simply is: "That's just the way things are"?
Poison.
Of course there may not be a reason, or even concrete reason, for everything, but also of course; this won't stop me from wondering.
Is it, perhaps, an instinctual way / a tool we use to further our evolution? After all, without sharing our thoughts, we would not have come to certain conclusions that aid in our collective health. We would not have concluded that "those berries make us sick". That we function better when we don't have headaches, and so here is some medicine to make that go away.
If that is so, then it would make sense that - in natural human form - we unconsciously / subconsciously took it even further and got so used to sharing our useful / scientifically species preserving thoughts that we fell into the habit of sharing other thoughts. Any thoughts. Thoughts that, in my opinion, sometimes do not need to be shared. It has become such a strong part of our culture; not just sharing thoughts, but the act of talking to once another / conversing. So much so that it has become rude to not talk. (Enter: small talk. Ech.)
Certainly I know not the cause for the drive. Other animals / species communicate, but in a way that appears to be much more basic. I'm happy to see you. I'm hungry. Eat this so that you are not hungry. Don't fall in that hole. And I am including other social creatures, such as chimps, as I know this conversation-habit is due, in part, to the instinct to be social / part of a tribe. I also think a lot of it has to do with how important we believe our thoughts to be. How highly we value our epiphanies. It is gratifying to feel clever. But I don't feel as though that is all there is to it. I feel as though that would just be a side-effect.
I try to live a life of intention, but I honestly have no idea why I do this. Other than the fact that it feels good, I suppose. I love conversing more than I love most activities. (Really beautiful conversation, I mean, with people who really matter to me.) I do want to know how other people are fairing, and so far, haven't found a better way of learning such things. And then I suppose I respond in kind to be respectful and to keep the conversation going so I can spend more time with them. Or to tell them something they may find interesting or entertaining. I love making people I care about laugh. I wonder when that started. As a society, I mean. I know when it started for me (when I realized quoting Ace Ventura could get a laugh in most circles). Does it come down to a need to entertain? I suppose I could just keep going on this, since thought sharing is a fairly immense topic with many, many branches. And of course there's the underlying joke that in exploring this topic there would be plenty of thought sharing and receiving.
Anyway. Just a thought.
Wednesday, February 27, 2019
Indignant
An interaction took place today that sparked a few thoughts. Here they are.
Warning: a bit rambly and inconclusive.
Should I just put this warning on all of my entries?
Someone (Woman) came into the studio today and breezed by me to speak to the other person (Man) working with me. This happens a lot. Which doesn't mean it's okay, but also doesn't mean that it bothers me enough to address. It's a bit of an ongoing joke with myself ("Lemme guess, you're here to see [Man]?").
When Woman breezed past me, she clearly was on the verge of bursting with things she'd like to convey to Man. She chose to go on about her job and how her higher-ups (specifically her director) was "not respecting her". And then she went on to say that Director was speaking to her as if she had no idea how to do her job and as if she hadn't gone to college for this and that. Which apparently she had. She then specifically stated that she was being spoken to just like anybody else who worked there. I started to get really irritated, not only because of Woman's pitch / cadence (Woman was not so much conveying as she was whining, and whining is never attractive to me, especially when it's for extended periods of time, without letting the other party say a single word in response. THAT'S disrespectful). And not only because she had fully interrupted a conversation between Man and me that I obviously found more interesting (selfish of me, of course, but still true here). But it was mainly because I started to wonder:
Why is she getting so indignant? This woman is so defensive of her position of knowledge / intellect on her specific subjects (that she went to a special school for) that she has turned desperate to shout it from the rooftops? Regardless of who hears it? Why does everyone matter so much to her in this way? Or maybe it appears that everyone matters so much to her because no one actually means anything to her, and are on the same level as anyone else in her life. (I am reminded of that old bumper sticker from the early 2000's: "I don't discriminate; I hate everyone equally".)
I've gone off the rails. What I mean to say is that this director's understanding of this woman is SO bloody important to her that she is willing to talk to - I'm going to go out on a limb here - anyone about it. And not even in the way that is considered to be a healthy conversation, but in the way that it becomes not a conversation at all and is, in fact, just her barking at a faceless entity with ears. She needs to satisfy that need of having someone hear her, even if only to feel as if she has been heard, and even if the other party is to be completely disrespected by way of being used. A person becomes a tool in this scenario, to the barking party. Something I believe is useless and disgusting.
Now that we've pondered on why she came in and needed so badly to "talk", let's move on to the main motivation for this reaction: I cannot help feeling as though it would be due to her own insecurities. Perhaps bridging into her lack of self-control. I find any time a reaction can be described in the phrase "How dare you!" or better yet; "Do you know who I am?" it is more often than not coming from a place of ignorance / arrogance. Elaboration: When I know that I am good at something and / or have a specific knowledge of something, me knowing it should be good enough. Does it still feel lovely when strangers compliment my abilities? Usually, yes (of course, this would depend on context of compliment, but let's not go there today). But if my boss at my job is speaking to me in the same way s/he speaks to everyone else, and in doing so addresses me as s/he would an underling?
I don't fucking care.
Why do you need such coddling? At your job? Why do you need to be treated differently from everybody else? Isn't that just kind of disrespectful to everyone else? In the way that you are implying you are better / more worthy than they are? This may be my experience in managing speaking here, but s/he probably is addressing me that way because that is how they address everyone else. Which would be an effort for said boss to treat everyone equally so there are no misconceptions; no favoritism. No one saying "Oh, I think s/he hates me", et cetera. Yes, in doing so, this is covering said boss' ass. But! (Butt?) I cannot blame said boss for doing this, as I would be likely to do the same thing. It is actually typically an effort to not hurt anybody's feelings and to be more professional, overall.
Stereotype: I would expect this woman's behavior from a younger (much younger) person. But not from one of at least age 50. And it is at this juncture that I wrestle between the following opposing thoughts:
a) I am not even 30 years old and I think this woman's reaction is odd.
b) I am the exception to some things / ways of thinking.
I do not wish to be under the impression that I am "special", that I am on some other plane of existence, that I am some "higher being". Everyone bloody thinks this about themselves at some point in their lives and if everybody was right in their thought, that would mean everyone was special which, of course, would mean no one was. By definition. Not to mention I do not wish to be arrogant because I feel as though arrogance blinds a person to useful things / thoughts / signs / realities. Arrogance is useless. I want nothing to do with it. Having said that, there must be some exceptions to some rules and lines of thinking and so on, ergo I could, statistically speaking be the exception to something.
I am not saying this woman is crazy for behaving this way, I am not saying I am any better than her, I just thought it was an interesting situation that I actually had time to ponder and react to. The older I get, the more I become an emotional detective. I wonder why I do things that I am doing, and sometimes that pours over into a knee-jerk reaction to what others are doing. Just a flow of thought. I will also say that while I can be completely reasonable about another's gripes, I am likely to not be so cool about my own. For all I know, I could have a "problem" later today that is stunningly similar to this woman's and not even realize it because I will naturally try to rationalize that my "problem" is different and, as such, so much more important / dire. Hopefully this will not result in me using a fellow human in such selfish fashion.
If there was a point to be made here, I guess it would be that being indignant is a reaction. Reactions are (at least) often times emotional. Sometimes we cannot help how we feel. Even decisions we make have been scientifically proven to be ruled by emotion. So I guess it comes down to the old saying that I'm about to butcher:
You can't help how you feel, but you can help how you behave, in kind.
Also, don't be a wiener and use people. It's mean.
Warning: a bit rambly and inconclusive.
Should I just put this warning on all of my entries?
Someone (Woman) came into the studio today and breezed by me to speak to the other person (Man) working with me. This happens a lot. Which doesn't mean it's okay, but also doesn't mean that it bothers me enough to address. It's a bit of an ongoing joke with myself ("Lemme guess, you're here to see [Man]?").
When Woman breezed past me, she clearly was on the verge of bursting with things she'd like to convey to Man. She chose to go on about her job and how her higher-ups (specifically her director) was "not respecting her". And then she went on to say that Director was speaking to her as if she had no idea how to do her job and as if she hadn't gone to college for this and that. Which apparently she had. She then specifically stated that she was being spoken to just like anybody else who worked there. I started to get really irritated, not only because of Woman's pitch / cadence (Woman was not so much conveying as she was whining, and whining is never attractive to me, especially when it's for extended periods of time, without letting the other party say a single word in response. THAT'S disrespectful). And not only because she had fully interrupted a conversation between Man and me that I obviously found more interesting (selfish of me, of course, but still true here). But it was mainly because I started to wonder:
Why is she getting so indignant? This woman is so defensive of her position of knowledge / intellect on her specific subjects (that she went to a special school for) that she has turned desperate to shout it from the rooftops? Regardless of who hears it? Why does everyone matter so much to her in this way? Or maybe it appears that everyone matters so much to her because no one actually means anything to her, and are on the same level as anyone else in her life. (I am reminded of that old bumper sticker from the early 2000's: "I don't discriminate; I hate everyone equally".)
I've gone off the rails. What I mean to say is that this director's understanding of this woman is SO bloody important to her that she is willing to talk to - I'm going to go out on a limb here - anyone about it. And not even in the way that is considered to be a healthy conversation, but in the way that it becomes not a conversation at all and is, in fact, just her barking at a faceless entity with ears. She needs to satisfy that need of having someone hear her, even if only to feel as if she has been heard, and even if the other party is to be completely disrespected by way of being used. A person becomes a tool in this scenario, to the barking party. Something I believe is useless and disgusting.
Now that we've pondered on why she came in and needed so badly to "talk", let's move on to the main motivation for this reaction: I cannot help feeling as though it would be due to her own insecurities. Perhaps bridging into her lack of self-control. I find any time a reaction can be described in the phrase "How dare you!" or better yet; "Do you know who I am?" it is more often than not coming from a place of ignorance / arrogance. Elaboration: When I know that I am good at something and / or have a specific knowledge of something, me knowing it should be good enough. Does it still feel lovely when strangers compliment my abilities? Usually, yes (of course, this would depend on context of compliment, but let's not go there today). But if my boss at my job is speaking to me in the same way s/he speaks to everyone else, and in doing so addresses me as s/he would an underling?
I don't fucking care.
Why do you need such coddling? At your job? Why do you need to be treated differently from everybody else? Isn't that just kind of disrespectful to everyone else? In the way that you are implying you are better / more worthy than they are? This may be my experience in managing speaking here, but s/he probably is addressing me that way because that is how they address everyone else. Which would be an effort for said boss to treat everyone equally so there are no misconceptions; no favoritism. No one saying "Oh, I think s/he hates me", et cetera. Yes, in doing so, this is covering said boss' ass. But! (Butt?) I cannot blame said boss for doing this, as I would be likely to do the same thing. It is actually typically an effort to not hurt anybody's feelings and to be more professional, overall.
Stereotype: I would expect this woman's behavior from a younger (much younger) person. But not from one of at least age 50. And it is at this juncture that I wrestle between the following opposing thoughts:
a) I am not even 30 years old and I think this woman's reaction is odd.
b) I am the exception to some things / ways of thinking.
I do not wish to be under the impression that I am "special", that I am on some other plane of existence, that I am some "higher being". Everyone bloody thinks this about themselves at some point in their lives and if everybody was right in their thought, that would mean everyone was special which, of course, would mean no one was. By definition. Not to mention I do not wish to be arrogant because I feel as though arrogance blinds a person to useful things / thoughts / signs / realities. Arrogance is useless. I want nothing to do with it. Having said that, there must be some exceptions to some rules and lines of thinking and so on, ergo I could, statistically speaking be the exception to something.
I am not saying this woman is crazy for behaving this way, I am not saying I am any better than her, I just thought it was an interesting situation that I actually had time to ponder and react to. The older I get, the more I become an emotional detective. I wonder why I do things that I am doing, and sometimes that pours over into a knee-jerk reaction to what others are doing. Just a flow of thought. I will also say that while I can be completely reasonable about another's gripes, I am likely to not be so cool about my own. For all I know, I could have a "problem" later today that is stunningly similar to this woman's and not even realize it because I will naturally try to rationalize that my "problem" is different and, as such, so much more important / dire. Hopefully this will not result in me using a fellow human in such selfish fashion.
If there was a point to be made here, I guess it would be that being indignant is a reaction. Reactions are (at least) often times emotional. Sometimes we cannot help how we feel. Even decisions we make have been scientifically proven to be ruled by emotion. So I guess it comes down to the old saying that I'm about to butcher:
You can't help how you feel, but you can help how you behave, in kind.
Also, don't be a wiener and use people. It's mean.
Friday, February 8, 2019
Oh, Nothing.
I feel like writing and I am really not certain what to write about.
Feel free to ignore the following.
The irony of this situation is that I bought a book in hopes of killing my writer's block (at least for a bit). It's got topics to write about, once a day for three years, or something like that. Some of them are fiction/fantasy prompts, which I have lately found harder and harder to spring from. But there are plenty of "good'ns" in there. The idea is to help the writer kick in with some killer story from these quick little prompts (and if that is eventually to be the case, well worth the $11.97 I spent on it). The reality so far is that I answer the question/react to the prompt in such a way that results in a very efficient, unimaginative, un-thought-provoking response. I begin, I end. I move onto the next. It's as if I am racing to fill all of them out so I can be done with it. WHICH, if you have been paying attention, could not be farther from the point. Maybe it's that the act of filling out this book is so new and exciting that I can't get enough of it and have entered greedy, overindulgent human territory.
I am trying to make it last; only so many this day, or only within a certain time slot. Because one day I might just be flinging words, but the next day could be the day that everything hits me right and I begin a satisfying short story, blog entry, what-have-you (which, in this daydream, can only be triggered by one of these prompts). There is little to no use for superstition, but I do believe there is use in playing the odds in a realistic fashion.
MORE irony for you: there have been what feels like SO many times where I found myself incredibly inspired with topics and/or get "key-hungry" and WISH there had been a laptop in front of me. And now I have the time and no topics. It is as if I only had so many in me, and now that I have satisfied myself with creating a few blogs on said topics, I have exhausted my ability to think/create. I hope that's not the case.
I do have a proper spooky tale I'm currently spinning (I am in mid-spin). I shared it with my mother only today and she loved it! Which may be akin to her telling me I'm special/beautiful, but I will ignore such possibilities as it is great to hear someone's positive feedback on a concept of mine. Especially from someone who values spook-master Stephen King over most writers.
I suppose I will end this here and get on to editing what story I have so far. Hopefully I will be able to think of a more enticing entry for tomorrow/the next time I'm online here.
Feel free to ignore the following.
The irony of this situation is that I bought a book in hopes of killing my writer's block (at least for a bit). It's got topics to write about, once a day for three years, or something like that. Some of them are fiction/fantasy prompts, which I have lately found harder and harder to spring from. But there are plenty of "good'ns" in there. The idea is to help the writer kick in with some killer story from these quick little prompts (and if that is eventually to be the case, well worth the $11.97 I spent on it). The reality so far is that I answer the question/react to the prompt in such a way that results in a very efficient, unimaginative, un-thought-provoking response. I begin, I end. I move onto the next. It's as if I am racing to fill all of them out so I can be done with it. WHICH, if you have been paying attention, could not be farther from the point. Maybe it's that the act of filling out this book is so new and exciting that I can't get enough of it and have entered greedy, overindulgent human territory.
I am trying to make it last; only so many this day, or only within a certain time slot. Because one day I might just be flinging words, but the next day could be the day that everything hits me right and I begin a satisfying short story, blog entry, what-have-you (which, in this daydream, can only be triggered by one of these prompts). There is little to no use for superstition, but I do believe there is use in playing the odds in a realistic fashion.
MORE irony for you: there have been what feels like SO many times where I found myself incredibly inspired with topics and/or get "key-hungry" and WISH there had been a laptop in front of me. And now I have the time and no topics. It is as if I only had so many in me, and now that I have satisfied myself with creating a few blogs on said topics, I have exhausted my ability to think/create. I hope that's not the case.
I do have a proper spooky tale I'm currently spinning (I am in mid-spin). I shared it with my mother only today and she loved it! Which may be akin to her telling me I'm special/beautiful, but I will ignore such possibilities as it is great to hear someone's positive feedback on a concept of mine. Especially from someone who values spook-master Stephen King over most writers.
I suppose I will end this here and get on to editing what story I have so far. Hopefully I will be able to think of a more enticing entry for tomorrow/the next time I'm online here.
Monday, February 4, 2019
Therapy Pet
I feel as though I am a therapy pet to the people at large. The greater masses. Just about everyone I meet.
And I hope it's not because of anything dangerous/unhealthy like me sociopathically (not a real word) reading every situation/individual in lightning-quick fashion and morphing myself to exactly what they need/think they need/desire accordingly.
Let's just assume it's not, shall we?
I make people feel good - I should love that, right? And it's not like I hate it, not always, anyway. It's just that with the compliment comes the pressure. Not to mention it makes me question: the more often I make the general population feel good, will that directly lessen the exciting, gratifying feeling I get when I make people I actually love feel good? Furthermore, are all of my relationships (romantic and otherwise) destined to fail because of this? Let me elaborate:
Because doing things that are apparently just so out-of-the-ordinary extra-special fantastically sweet is my norm, that would lead me to think that I must naturally put more than the usual amount of efforts into whatever relationship(s) I have. Which my partner in said relationship(s) would eventually catch onto and take for granted (not specifically on purpose, more likely in an incredibly human condition way). Meaning that a gesture that others would typically be floored by/be taken aback by/post pictures on social media about, they will be more likely to grow to simply expect/shrug in response.
Don't get me wrong; if I am in any kind of relationship with an individual, I want them to feel great - they deserve to! They're really great people. And the world is cruel and, at times, very unforgiving. And I have learned to not entirely resent them for taking my actions for granted. I have learned to simply look at the specific scenario and judge accordingly whether or not I can be content within it. For example, if something simply doesn't mean as much to someone as it does me, I have learned to live with that. Not their fault. But if I am killing myself to work at something in a romantic relationship and the other party isn't even trying? That's probably going to cause a rift between us. A rift in which I will likely not be able to achieve contentedness.
MAN this is rambly (again, not a word). I feel as though I should have dissected this topic better and turned it into a couple of entries. I guess there are no rules for this blog of mine. And I guess it's a very good thing there aren't. It's late. I've had an exciting day. Please forgive me.
At any rate. I have tried to (as my mother says:) "put my bitch on" and not do things for people, but it feels just oh-so-uncomfortably unnatural. Even moreso for someone who certainly values authenticity over ...well a lot of things. So without being able to change myself, is there really ever going to be any other outcome? Other than doom, I mean. (I remind you as it has been nine years since the beginning of my original point.)
There was also a time that I subscribed to the belief that there was a meaning of life. I am talking specific reason why all of us, as individuals, are here. I have since changed my mind. But I wonder if the alteration of my perspective was driven by the conclusion that my life's meaning appeared to be for the benefit of literally everyone else. Anyone else. Nothing in it for me but solitude and the quiet satisfaction of a job well done. Probably enough for a "better man". I am not a better man. Maybe this felt like such a sad little fate for me that I reacted by deciding that there was, in fact, no meaning.
I bring all of this up because they are genuine thoughts I have had. Ongoing musings. And they never felt like they had enough merit to even bring up until recently.
I have realized that after going through all of the aforementioned for what seems like an eternity, by the time you have someone (again, romantic or otherwise) in your life who actually makes you feel like more than just a therapy animal, the past no longer matters. In fact, not much else does. Because who cares? You get to finally feel what you imagined others have been feeling all along. You get to feel human in the best way imaginable.
And I hope it's not because of anything dangerous/unhealthy like me sociopathically (not a real word) reading every situation/individual in lightning-quick fashion and morphing myself to exactly what they need/think they need/desire accordingly.
Let's just assume it's not, shall we?
I make people feel good - I should love that, right? And it's not like I hate it, not always, anyway. It's just that with the compliment comes the pressure. Not to mention it makes me question: the more often I make the general population feel good, will that directly lessen the exciting, gratifying feeling I get when I make people I actually love feel good? Furthermore, are all of my relationships (romantic and otherwise) destined to fail because of this? Let me elaborate:
Because doing things that are apparently just so out-of-the-ordinary extra-special fantastically sweet is my norm, that would lead me to think that I must naturally put more than the usual amount of efforts into whatever relationship(s) I have. Which my partner in said relationship(s) would eventually catch onto and take for granted (not specifically on purpose, more likely in an incredibly human condition way). Meaning that a gesture that others would typically be floored by/be taken aback by/post pictures on social media about, they will be more likely to grow to simply expect/shrug in response.
Don't get me wrong; if I am in any kind of relationship with an individual, I want them to feel great - they deserve to! They're really great people. And the world is cruel and, at times, very unforgiving. And I have learned to not entirely resent them for taking my actions for granted. I have learned to simply look at the specific scenario and judge accordingly whether or not I can be content within it. For example, if something simply doesn't mean as much to someone as it does me, I have learned to live with that. Not their fault. But if I am killing myself to work at something in a romantic relationship and the other party isn't even trying? That's probably going to cause a rift between us. A rift in which I will likely not be able to achieve contentedness.
MAN this is rambly (again, not a word). I feel as though I should have dissected this topic better and turned it into a couple of entries. I guess there are no rules for this blog of mine. And I guess it's a very good thing there aren't. It's late. I've had an exciting day. Please forgive me.
At any rate. I have tried to (as my mother says:) "put my bitch on" and not do things for people, but it feels just oh-so-uncomfortably unnatural. Even moreso for someone who certainly values authenticity over ...well a lot of things. So without being able to change myself, is there really ever going to be any other outcome? Other than doom, I mean. (I remind you as it has been nine years since the beginning of my original point.)
There was also a time that I subscribed to the belief that there was a meaning of life. I am talking specific reason why all of us, as individuals, are here. I have since changed my mind. But I wonder if the alteration of my perspective was driven by the conclusion that my life's meaning appeared to be for the benefit of literally everyone else. Anyone else. Nothing in it for me but solitude and the quiet satisfaction of a job well done. Probably enough for a "better man". I am not a better man. Maybe this felt like such a sad little fate for me that I reacted by deciding that there was, in fact, no meaning.
I bring all of this up because they are genuine thoughts I have had. Ongoing musings. And they never felt like they had enough merit to even bring up until recently.
I have realized that after going through all of the aforementioned for what seems like an eternity, by the time you have someone (again, romantic or otherwise) in your life who actually makes you feel like more than just a therapy animal, the past no longer matters. In fact, not much else does. Because who cares? You get to finally feel what you imagined others have been feeling all along. You get to feel human in the best way imaginable.
Alcohol
note: this entry has not been edited at all. A scary thought, considering who's at the keys. I just needed to get this out and published before I thought better of it.
Some think people guzzle a beer to feel numb. Rather, to become numb; to feel nothing. That's what I thought, as well. I try not to over-imbibe, myself. Save it for the real stuff: Celebration. There are still times, however, when I simply crave the taste. I wish there were more near-beers to choose from in cases like these. 0% double IPA, anyone? I'll take two!
I recently had a craving for the taste (and, I'll be honest, the ritual of cracking open a frosty one while enjoying a dinner with the one you love). I watched something on TV which was very out of character for me. (The watching of the TV as well as the specific show I watched.) It was something I choose to watch. Something I choose to stick with and pay attention to and pause any time I got up. I didn't even take any smoke breaks - just minutes in the bathroom.
I am willing to say that by the end of the stint I was well-buzzed and I mentioned something in passing to W (who was watching this with me) about how the show "made me feel things" and jokingly made a "blech" sound at the notion. I went out on the porch for a smoke and was left in the quiet with my own thoughts for the first time since the show began. I started to assess.
What if people drank so they could feel things? Of course some of us drink so we can excuse our behavior, whatever it may be. Whether we have a plan in place or not.
"Oh my God, I asked him out?? Lol! I was so drunnnkk."
I've been there. It was lame. I've since stopped the practice.
What I'm talking about now is the subconscious allowance to actually feel. To actually be able to react to something in an emotional way. To do so, one would have to really face oneself; be honest with oneself. And sometimes, sadly, in order to be so honest, one must be relaxed enough which - in some cases - means inebriated enough. What if there is some call in us to be able to feel? What if we eventually make the direct connection between alcohol and being able to get in contact with that self/self part that is able to/will feel? And if we were able to/did make that connection, what if that instinct was the thing driving us to imbibe? Is there another reason still; is it a way for people like me (control freaks who are inherently uncomfortable with experiencing most emotion) to better control their feelings/to only "allow" themselves a certain window to really experience feeling. Interesting, although, I will admit; some of us just like to drink.
It would also depend on the details of the individual happenings. Along with sooooo many other factors I would not be able to even think of without proper experiment execution/variables/control groups. As is the case with so many other things I write about. I just had never really pondered on it until now.
Some think people guzzle a beer to feel numb. Rather, to become numb; to feel nothing. That's what I thought, as well. I try not to over-imbibe, myself. Save it for the real stuff: Celebration. There are still times, however, when I simply crave the taste. I wish there were more near-beers to choose from in cases like these. 0% double IPA, anyone? I'll take two!
I recently had a craving for the taste (and, I'll be honest, the ritual of cracking open a frosty one while enjoying a dinner with the one you love). I watched something on TV which was very out of character for me. (The watching of the TV as well as the specific show I watched.) It was something I choose to watch. Something I choose to stick with and pay attention to and pause any time I got up. I didn't even take any smoke breaks - just minutes in the bathroom.
I am willing to say that by the end of the stint I was well-buzzed and I mentioned something in passing to W (who was watching this with me) about how the show "made me feel things" and jokingly made a "blech" sound at the notion. I went out on the porch for a smoke and was left in the quiet with my own thoughts for the first time since the show began. I started to assess.
What if people drank so they could feel things? Of course some of us drink so we can excuse our behavior, whatever it may be. Whether we have a plan in place or not.
"Oh my God, I asked him out?? Lol! I was so drunnnkk."
I've been there. It was lame. I've since stopped the practice.
What I'm talking about now is the subconscious allowance to actually feel. To actually be able to react to something in an emotional way. To do so, one would have to really face oneself; be honest with oneself. And sometimes, sadly, in order to be so honest, one must be relaxed enough which - in some cases - means inebriated enough. What if there is some call in us to be able to feel? What if we eventually make the direct connection between alcohol and being able to get in contact with that self/self part that is able to/will feel? And if we were able to/did make that connection, what if that instinct was the thing driving us to imbibe? Is there another reason still; is it a way for people like me (control freaks who are inherently uncomfortable with experiencing most emotion) to better control their feelings/to only "allow" themselves a certain window to really experience feeling. Interesting, although, I will admit; some of us just like to drink.
It would also depend on the details of the individual happenings. Along with sooooo many other factors I would not be able to even think of without proper experiment execution/variables/control groups. As is the case with so many other things I write about. I just had never really pondered on it until now.
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