Alcohol

note: this entry has not been edited at all. A scary thought, considering who's at the keys. I just needed to get this out and published before I thought better of it. 

Some think people guzzle a beer to feel numb. Rather, to become numb; to feel nothing. That's what I thought, as well. I try not to over-imbibe, myself. Save it for the real stuff: Celebration. There are still times, however, when I simply crave the taste. I wish there were more near-beers to choose from in cases like these. 0% double IPA, anyone? I'll take two!

I recently had a craving for the taste (and, I'll be honest, the ritual of cracking open a frosty one while enjoying a dinner with the one you love). I watched something on TV which was very out of character for me. (The watching of the TV as well as the specific show I watched.) It was something I choose to watch. Something I choose to stick with and pay attention to and pause any time I got up. I didn't even take any smoke breaks - just minutes in the bathroom.

I am willing to say that by the end of the stint I was well-buzzed and I mentioned something in passing to W (who was watching this with me) about how the show "made me feel things" and jokingly made a "blech" sound at the notion. I went out on the porch for a smoke and was left in the quiet with my own thoughts for the first time since the show began. I started to assess.

What if people drank so they could feel things? Of course some of us drink so we can excuse our behavior, whatever it may be. Whether we have a plan in place or not.

"Oh my God, I asked him out?? Lol! I was so drunnnkk."

I've been there. It was lame. I've since stopped the practice.

What I'm talking about now is the subconscious allowance to actually feel. To actually be able to react to something in an emotional way. To do so, one would have to really face oneself; be honest with oneself. And sometimes, sadly, in order to be so honest, one must be relaxed enough which - in some cases - means inebriated enough. What if there is some call in us to be able to feel? What if we eventually make the direct connection between alcohol and being able to get in contact with that self/self part that is able to/will feel? And if we were able to/did make that connection, what if that instinct was the thing driving us to imbibe? Is there another reason still; is it a way for people like me (control freaks who are inherently uncomfortable with experiencing most emotion) to better control their feelings/to only "allow" themselves a certain window to really experience feeling. Interesting, although, I will admit; some of us just like to drink.

It would also depend on the details of the individual happenings. Along with sooooo many other factors I would not be able to even think of without proper experiment execution/variables/control groups. As is the case with so many other things I write about. I just had never really pondered on it until now.