Moving

(entry originally created in March 2019.)

I am moving soon!

(I have already moved.)

And this time, it is because there is a place that I found that I actually like and actually want to move into! Not because of some occupational scheme for furthering myself, not because of some poorly planned financial mess, no! This time it will be done as others often move -

With intention!

I love moving. I love packing. Unpacking. Organizing. Taking stock of things. Getting rid of things. Making sure you don't hold onto things you don't actually want in your life. Shaping your new living room. Filling the kitchen cabinets. Making puzzle pieces of old chairs, plants and shelving and seeing how it all fits together in the new space. Cleaning the whole place before anything gets thrown in there - the cleanest of cleans...

Being a minimalist has surely played a large part in affording me this jubilant reaction. (See also: Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.) However! I was not always like this! My Sensory Disorder ruled just about everything when I was younger. Moving was hellish. Overwhelming. But I also think it had a lot to do with the fact that I didn't have control over anything as a child, and I knew it, and that alone made me uncomfortable. So you can imagine what it did to me on moving day.

I was always terrified that I would lose something forever in a move. Everything was so important to me. WHICH! I think had a lot to do with the guilt that was ever-present in my childhood (some of which still remains). I would feel as though I let my mother down/would have made her sad if I couldn't finish the sandwich that she packed me for lunch. (Picture this: an elementary grade me, welling up as I hover over the cafeteria trash bin, sandwich bit in hand... the sandwich drops... a single tear...) Ergo, the minute I lose something my mother gave me, I am immediately submerged in a thick vat of heavy, sticky, tar-like guilt.

That shit is impossible to get out of your hair.

Once I realized that:
a. people aren't actually sad when you can't finish sandwiches they've made you
b. most things aren't impossible to replace, at some point
c. very few things are actually necessities
d. just because someone else thinks it's important that you have something, doesn't mean it is actually important to you.

I have since unburdened my shoulders and took better control of the things I knew I could. Which is why moving is no longer a miserable inconvenience! It is exciting. It is a metaphor for a clean slate, new beginning; renewal. Now every time I move, it is Spring (sans bunnies and chocolate eggs). I don't care if I have to go it alone - I mostly have, and have survived. Might take me longer (as my limbs are made of mostly iced coffee and tofu, in lieu of muscle), but at least if I go it alone I will not be irritating the shit out of the other party by way of eager bossiness.

I am sure it says something unfavorable and completely exposing that I am more comfortable moving than I am staying put, but let's not get into that today.