The amount of things the human mind is able to balance is incredible. I've been told it (and believed it), of course! But to really catch it as it is happening first-hand? What a marvel.
We are able to take what we have experienced/"been through" and apply it directly to a brand-spanking new situation/setting; the cast and players are different. You're older now. You've got a different job and occupy a different space (take that as you would like). Nobody is telling you what to do. There is no helping hand to remind you of the things you've survived while you were riding solo. How could there be? It was only you! And it's only you now. And you remember and apply all on your own! It is second-nature to you, you magnificent creature.
"Hm, this job is asking too much of me for too little pay... I know from my past experiences that it starts out small and results in me doing nearly everything while everyone else acts on the bare minimum, accomplishing nothing. For months/years. And for my starting pay while I make all of them look good enough to raise their wages. I will not let this happen again."
"Hm, this apartment's plumbing is a bit wonky, and the landlord said they would fix it once I moved in... I know from my past experiences that some landlords will provide empty promises and once they've got me locked in a lease, they will disappear. I'll tell them 'no dice'."
"Hm, this new partner is not cleaning/fixing our home, and leaving it all to me... I know from my past experiences that the nicer/more easy-going I am in the beginning, the more the will take advantage of my nice/easy-going nature in the long run. I'll set some boundaries."
It happens lightning-fast! And it wouldn't even end there. For example; I've been burned a few times in my "romantic"-past (who hasn't), and so I would be likely to have a similar thought as mentioned above. But then! The thought would go on to look something like this:
"Hm. He's doing the things that my past-lovers did that were red flags for disrespect/being taken advantage of. I better set boundaries. But I also had better take great care in the way I go about setting those boundaries, because there is still a chance that he is not like my past-lovers. Not to mention he has not done anything too criminal as of yet, and so deserves respect - plus I cannot allow myself to compromise my principals in reaction to another's unsavory acts/behaviors. However in doing so, I must stand up for myself, unlike what I used to do; taking the shape of a doormat. However I also recognize not being taken seriously and not being respected as huge insecurities of mine (also from past situations), and so I must tread lightly, as this lover may not, in fact, be doing anything wrong. This entire situation could very well be a direct result of my insecurity projection."
...HELLO?
Is this not incredible? Does this not astound you? Are you not amused??
And this is all while keeping in fair condition with other relationships, in between scheduling and keeping doctor's appointments, paying your bills, absolutely killing it on the job front... I honestly had to realize it first hand, in a very specific way in order to really recognize it. And when you think of it that way, how mad can you really be at yourself for making the wrong decision? For causing a slip?
Be gentle on yourself, kitten.
Thursday, August 22, 2019
Wednesday, August 21, 2019
Genetics
This article is likely to be all over the place
...you have been warned.
Not owning a television has done wonders for my mind, body and soul. It has also, however, brought something to my attention: if the news does not come to me, I do not go to it. Ergo, I am grotesquely under-informed. And so, when someone comes up to me and tells me about something that has grown stale and even crumbled off the "current events" page, there is nothing left for me to do but process it via a blog entry. Because if I have not been watching the news/current events actively, that also means that I have not been afforded the luxury of hearing the story bit by bit, "as it develops". I hear it by way of a big chunk, and right in the damn middle of it. No warning. No hint. No sequence of mornings in the comfort of my own kitchen where I quietly shake my head and scoff over my cup of Joe.
As I understand, there are (and have been) parties that have created (and will, doubtlessly continue to create) their very own DNA.
Okay, wait, by that I don't mean like... hair. They are not growing their own hair on their heads, as we all do. Well, most of us. Well, they probably are growing their own hair on their head. What I mean to say is that there are actual scientists and science-smart individuals who are creating original gene sequences. And then what?? Well it's America, so... naturally the aforementioned decided it was their duty/right to patent these creations.
Genes! Their patenting genes!
What world am I living in (at the risk of sounding like the first grandmother to hear about something really fantastic, like condoms)?? When will we ever stop. Will we ever stop. Which, I mean, I shouldn't even ask at this point. Because "NO", obviously. It's all in the pattern. The pattern is the same, the land we explore is new, and so; are the results. So we get to be shallowly comforted by recognizing the same dots and dashes while absolutely shitting our pants at the impending unknown. Has nobody watched REPO! The Genetic Opera? ...Again, I already know the answer to that is mostly "no". Shame. A real gem, that.
These science-types claim that this exercise is for the good of us; discovery, control of one's destiny and - my personal favorite - "cancer research". Good god. It's all cancer research, isn't it? Because the moment we hear that, we are pigeon-holed into supporting it. (Don't support the research? Don't support the cure.) And at the risk of sounding like additional people I would rather not sound like; it's a conspiracy! Okay, maybe not that extreme, but it certainly doesn't seem like the truth. After all, when was the last time someone with money did something really good for a group of strangers for no reason? Did you say "never"? Here's your gold star.
And I'm not expecting people to cure cancer, even, out of the good of their hearts. I expect them to do it for the money. And I'm sort of fine with that. But when it comes at the price of mass-hysteria, mass-mutilation or mass-destruction, I take issue with it. Try and imagine a life where the government literally owns you. Down to your genes. You didn't even like living under your parents' reign. This would be a nightmare. Or is it, perhaps, that eventually the owned individual will not even think twice about being owned. Because they have been designed that way. Some trillionaire's idea of a utopian society. And what will he design it for? Well, for money, what else?
...you have been warned.
Not owning a television has done wonders for my mind, body and soul. It has also, however, brought something to my attention: if the news does not come to me, I do not go to it. Ergo, I am grotesquely under-informed. And so, when someone comes up to me and tells me about something that has grown stale and even crumbled off the "current events" page, there is nothing left for me to do but process it via a blog entry. Because if I have not been watching the news/current events actively, that also means that I have not been afforded the luxury of hearing the story bit by bit, "as it develops". I hear it by way of a big chunk, and right in the damn middle of it. No warning. No hint. No sequence of mornings in the comfort of my own kitchen where I quietly shake my head and scoff over my cup of Joe.
As I understand, there are (and have been) parties that have created (and will, doubtlessly continue to create) their very own DNA.
Okay, wait, by that I don't mean like... hair. They are not growing their own hair on their heads, as we all do. Well, most of us. Well, they probably are growing their own hair on their head. What I mean to say is that there are actual scientists and science-smart individuals who are creating original gene sequences. And then what?? Well it's America, so... naturally the aforementioned decided it was their duty/right to patent these creations.
Genes! Their patenting genes!
What world am I living in (at the risk of sounding like the first grandmother to hear about something really fantastic, like condoms)?? When will we ever stop. Will we ever stop. Which, I mean, I shouldn't even ask at this point. Because "NO", obviously. It's all in the pattern. The pattern is the same, the land we explore is new, and so; are the results. So we get to be shallowly comforted by recognizing the same dots and dashes while absolutely shitting our pants at the impending unknown. Has nobody watched REPO! The Genetic Opera? ...Again, I already know the answer to that is mostly "no". Shame. A real gem, that.
These science-types claim that this exercise is for the good of us; discovery, control of one's destiny and - my personal favorite - "cancer research". Good god. It's all cancer research, isn't it? Because the moment we hear that, we are pigeon-holed into supporting it. (Don't support the research? Don't support the cure.) And at the risk of sounding like additional people I would rather not sound like; it's a conspiracy! Okay, maybe not that extreme, but it certainly doesn't seem like the truth. After all, when was the last time someone with money did something really good for a group of strangers for no reason? Did you say "never"? Here's your gold star.
And I'm not expecting people to cure cancer, even, out of the good of their hearts. I expect them to do it for the money. And I'm sort of fine with that. But when it comes at the price of mass-hysteria, mass-mutilation or mass-destruction, I take issue with it. Try and imagine a life where the government literally owns you. Down to your genes. You didn't even like living under your parents' reign. This would be a nightmare. Or is it, perhaps, that eventually the owned individual will not even think twice about being owned. Because they have been designed that way. Some trillionaire's idea of a utopian society. And what will he design it for? Well, for money, what else?
Entrepreneurs
I think there is something to be said for those of us who can get a job, keep it, and properly retire.
There is also something to be said for "following your heart", for trying new things and/or for continuing to grow.
This generation, perhaps more than those passed, has admittedly strayed from the life that was expected of them. Our parents, grandparents and even generations prior have certainly added their own twists to the "way through life"; limes on the rim of a gin and tonic. But this generation created its own cocktail and decided a cherry was the proper garnish. (Really ...mixing things up... if you will.) Our hobbies have become our livelihood. The thing you used to love to do, gather throughout the year and scissor-hold to the annual craft fair (for pennies) has now become your main source of income. You used to have to remember to make time for it after work. Now you have to remember to stop and eat (no one should hustle 24/7).
Of course, it's not all excitement, blazing your own trail, being a twenty-something entrepreneur. There are plenty of us who are simply not cut out for that life. Who are better off working for someone else. And, naturally, there are only so many services one can offer; so many "boss babes" the world can take before it realizes it's missing something:
the consumer.
We can't all be supervisors, can we? For in a world of only kings, who is left to monarch? I think it is really fantastic that this generation has had some major opportunities to well-combat the ones kept by those before them. And if we do not deal in extremes, we will all not only prevail, but supersede. I just know how things typically go when money is involved.* At least in America. I will not theoretically doom Canada or Europe to the same fate (as I have not experienced those places first-hand). And, I suppose, at the end of the day, there is simply no use worrying about things one cannot change. It's just something that's been on my mind. Just Thinking.
*see: prior blog post about media influx.
There is also something to be said for "following your heart", for trying new things and/or for continuing to grow.
This generation, perhaps more than those passed, has admittedly strayed from the life that was expected of them. Our parents, grandparents and even generations prior have certainly added their own twists to the "way through life"; limes on the rim of a gin and tonic. But this generation created its own cocktail and decided a cherry was the proper garnish. (Really ...mixing things up... if you will.) Our hobbies have become our livelihood. The thing you used to love to do, gather throughout the year and scissor-hold to the annual craft fair (for pennies) has now become your main source of income. You used to have to remember to make time for it after work. Now you have to remember to stop and eat (no one should hustle 24/7).
Of course, it's not all excitement, blazing your own trail, being a twenty-something entrepreneur. There are plenty of us who are simply not cut out for that life. Who are better off working for someone else. And, naturally, there are only so many services one can offer; so many "boss babes" the world can take before it realizes it's missing something:
the consumer.
We can't all be supervisors, can we? For in a world of only kings, who is left to monarch? I think it is really fantastic that this generation has had some major opportunities to well-combat the ones kept by those before them. And if we do not deal in extremes, we will all not only prevail, but supersede. I just know how things typically go when money is involved.* At least in America. I will not theoretically doom Canada or Europe to the same fate (as I have not experienced those places first-hand). And, I suppose, at the end of the day, there is simply no use worrying about things one cannot change. It's just something that's been on my mind. Just Thinking.
*see: prior blog post about media influx.
Thursday, August 8, 2019
Therapy
I have a great respect for therapists and other people who actively use their minds productively.
I don't suspect all therapists do what they do professionally because of their deep drive to help others, I suspect some do it simply because it is a job. I also am not deterred in the least at this prospect (to attend a session, that is). I would actually be happier to know that they don't actually give a shit about me as an individual. If I would like to be around people who care about me, I can go to my loved one(s). What I think I would like is someone terribly analytical. Someone who knows no details of my life. A fresh slate who owes me nothing. This will afford honesty (for both parties). Preferably, this therapist will not know any of my loved ones/co-workers/people who I interact with on a daily basis (if they knew all/any of them, this would make me feel as though I could not be completely honest/opinionated about anything. A great hindrance, as I understand, in this situation).
I am considering this topic because I believe I have come to a realization: there are so many people you just can't talk to. Additionally, the few people you really do feel like you can talk to are probably lovely people who do not deserve a consistent inundation of negativity that you/one sometimes feels as though they must eject. Which is a tough opinion to have because, ideally, you will speak honestly to these precious few, and it could be argued that if you omit parts of your life (especially those parts that you consider to be "large" or "important") you are being dishonest. Which is unfavorable, in my opinion. And may make you tougher to relate to, which may cost you the opportunity for a deeper relationship. (To which I argue: if you cannot be yourself / do what is comfortable or what feels right to you around your friends, are they really your friends?) (To which I argue: are you really being yourself if you are to commit such omissions?) It is also a tough opinion to have because I try to treat people the way I would like to be treated and I know that I do not mind when my loved ones "spill their beans" to me. However, the longer I live, the more I also realize that there are many things that I don't mind that the public at large very much do mind (and vise verse). Life is complicated.
At any rate, when you have someone/something in your life that is making you upset/angry/sad, and you feel as though you should/want to talk about it, I think the absolute safest thing to do about it is to tell a stranger who is getting paid to keep their mouth shut and keep your business anonymous. Especially if they don't actually know you or anyone who effects your everyday life. (This is, of course, purely supposition, as I have never actually gone to therapy.) Money appears to be the golden motivator for the masses. A therapist shares something that a patient told them in confidence? No more money. It is an odd system, but one that likely works.
This option (therapy) also seems very attractive to me because I feel as though talking about my problems would help me (maybe help me solve some things, which always feels good), but I do not want whoever I tell to hate whoever I am talking about. If I tell my mother about how Jenny is being mean to me, she will likely immediately act defensively toward Jenny on my behalf. This does not necessarily make my mother a horrible person, this is just likely a reaction, or perhaps just the way that my mother sees fit to display her love and care for me. Not to mention, my mother has never had the relationship with Jenny that I have. My mother has not spent countless weekends venturing around town with Jenny, or hours in coffee shops, talking away, as I have. She has, however, raised me. Therefore my mother will naturally be less forgiving. It is hardly ever a decision to be made. Typically just a reaction. And there is also little I would be able to do to coerce my mother into forgiving Jenny once our friendship is no longer on the rocks. And I don't know what Jenny has done in this situation, but surely she does not deserve a fate so harsh.
Perhaps it is odd that I would feel more comfortable telling my "secrets" to a complete stranger. Perhaps that should be my first session.
I don't suspect all therapists do what they do professionally because of their deep drive to help others, I suspect some do it simply because it is a job. I also am not deterred in the least at this prospect (to attend a session, that is). I would actually be happier to know that they don't actually give a shit about me as an individual. If I would like to be around people who care about me, I can go to my loved one(s). What I think I would like is someone terribly analytical. Someone who knows no details of my life. A fresh slate who owes me nothing. This will afford honesty (for both parties). Preferably, this therapist will not know any of my loved ones/co-workers/people who I interact with on a daily basis (if they knew all/any of them, this would make me feel as though I could not be completely honest/opinionated about anything. A great hindrance, as I understand, in this situation).
I am considering this topic because I believe I have come to a realization: there are so many people you just can't talk to. Additionally, the few people you really do feel like you can talk to are probably lovely people who do not deserve a consistent inundation of negativity that you/one sometimes feels as though they must eject. Which is a tough opinion to have because, ideally, you will speak honestly to these precious few, and it could be argued that if you omit parts of your life (especially those parts that you consider to be "large" or "important") you are being dishonest. Which is unfavorable, in my opinion. And may make you tougher to relate to, which may cost you the opportunity for a deeper relationship. (To which I argue: if you cannot be yourself / do what is comfortable or what feels right to you around your friends, are they really your friends?) (To which I argue: are you really being yourself if you are to commit such omissions?) It is also a tough opinion to have because I try to treat people the way I would like to be treated and I know that I do not mind when my loved ones "spill their beans" to me. However, the longer I live, the more I also realize that there are many things that I don't mind that the public at large very much do mind (and vise verse). Life is complicated.
At any rate, when you have someone/something in your life that is making you upset/angry/sad, and you feel as though you should/want to talk about it, I think the absolute safest thing to do about it is to tell a stranger who is getting paid to keep their mouth shut and keep your business anonymous. Especially if they don't actually know you or anyone who effects your everyday life. (This is, of course, purely supposition, as I have never actually gone to therapy.) Money appears to be the golden motivator for the masses. A therapist shares something that a patient told them in confidence? No more money. It is an odd system, but one that likely works.
This option (therapy) also seems very attractive to me because I feel as though talking about my problems would help me (maybe help me solve some things, which always feels good), but I do not want whoever I tell to hate whoever I am talking about. If I tell my mother about how Jenny is being mean to me, she will likely immediately act defensively toward Jenny on my behalf. This does not necessarily make my mother a horrible person, this is just likely a reaction, or perhaps just the way that my mother sees fit to display her love and care for me. Not to mention, my mother has never had the relationship with Jenny that I have. My mother has not spent countless weekends venturing around town with Jenny, or hours in coffee shops, talking away, as I have. She has, however, raised me. Therefore my mother will naturally be less forgiving. It is hardly ever a decision to be made. Typically just a reaction. And there is also little I would be able to do to coerce my mother into forgiving Jenny once our friendship is no longer on the rocks. And I don't know what Jenny has done in this situation, but surely she does not deserve a fate so harsh.
Perhaps it is odd that I would feel more comfortable telling my "secrets" to a complete stranger. Perhaps that should be my first session.
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