You may be sick of hearing about my affliction with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but here's the hilarious thing:
I can't help but obsess!
*queue laugh track*
Today I would like to touch upon the guilt-factor. More specifically, its effect on my "big life decisions". Let's start with something easy: Love.
Slowly but surely, I have come to realize that I feel as though the opposite sex (the one that I appear to be sexually and romantically attracted to) is much better off without me. Without dating me certainly, and possibly even without knowing me.
To date (harhar) I have not had a romantic relationship last. (The one longest one being a two-year stint wherein - I found - I was being actively cheated on, with my average hovering around a year.) At the end of any of the aforementioned un-lasting relationships, I leave the other party completely down. Which I hate. Because regardless of what they have or have not done, I truly do not harbor any lasting aggression toward them and hope they have lovely days to come. (Of course, I suppose it would be a bit suspect if neither of us felt down about it and treated the break-up more like a business transaction.) I feel as though any time a man spends with me is simply time wasted prior to finding their "forever homes".
Basically, I feel guilty when I am with someone because I cannot help but feel they would truly be better off somewhere else with someone else. The less I can negatively effect another person (anyone!) the better. And if I am with someone, I inevitably effect them negatively. Some people can live with this (healthy people, one might venture), I simply cannot. And it is nearly impossible to convince someone that it is not coming from a place of cynicism when I say:
I honestly do not think that I was made for relationships.
Not romantic ones, anyway. My friendship relationships are solid and I have positively no qualms with any of them. I feel as though I operate best when single. And although you can have as many friends as fate will afford you while keeping your solo status, I have not yet found a way to be both single and taken. Long story short? I hate the guilt, it eats me alive and if the numbers show the unlikelyhood properly; I probably just shouldn't bother.
This sensation can be bridged into other facets of my life, as well. Pets, for example, appear to be lovely and having something to spend your love on is almost always a good idea. However! I cannot help but feel the twinge of guilt if I am ever less than the owner they deserve, and so I do not have a pet. I feel as though - with such heavy commitments - it is better for me to err on the side of caution. Did I ever have a job I felt like leaving in order to travel? Sure, who the hell doesn't. But I am uncertain of the decision and so I stay. Drugs seem like a riot, but there are still days when I am happy that I have never experienced anything too hard because I (for some reason) feel guilty about even wanting them.
It is a strange thing, this guilt. And I am a strange creature. I am logical and forever empathetic. I am at peace and full of anxiety. I make perfect sense you can count on and yet I have these little isms you never saw coming.
Is everyone like this?
Wednesday, February 19, 2020
Thursday, February 13, 2020
Fawning
I learned a new term recently!
LET'S BLOG ABOUT IT.
**NOTE: I am not an expert on the topics we are about to cover. As will be glaringly obvious in the near future. The following words are my thoughts, opinions and understandings.**
I have two dear friends who recently unveiled this term to me; "fawning". As I understand it, it is under the same umbrella (of Trauma Response) as fight, flight and freeze. When I was younger, all we were taught about was fight or flight response. Is it a result of dissecting categories too far into a splinter that we have double the terms now? Or perhaps they have always very much existed and we are just newcomers to the land they've claimed in some of our lives? Interesting, perhaps, but another consideration for another time.
Fight: someone calls you a nerd and you punch them. Either with your words or your body parts.
Flight: someone calls you a nerd and you gtfo, hoping beyond all hope you can outrun them.
Freeze: someone calls you a nerd and you cease. To move, possibly to think... on a good day it may come out as an inaudible stutter.
NOW the one we've all assembled to hear about:
FAWN: Someone calls you a nerd and you STRONGLY agree, laugh unthreateningly, smile (but don't show too many teeth!) and somehow end up complimenting them. Cut to the weekend: you've bothered them with no less than sixteen text messages asking them to go out. It's all a blur, really, all you can remember is the word "drinks" and something about "my treat".
...Blast. Not again.
I'm not quite sure where to begin on this, and I already have so many thoughts pouring out of my ears, and so, this may be a two-parter. For now? Let's relate.
I typically feel very uneasy about sharing my similarities with disorders, isms... generally anything that could be misconstrued as an attempt to affirm my "special-ness". My individuality, so true that I really am the only one of my kind. ("I'm sure you wouldn't understand.") I hate that guy. Well, not hate. I am uncertain I truly hate anyone, I just find those people really obnoxious and awful. And since I feel the same way about hypocrites, I shall do my best to refrain from emitting either personality. (Scout's honor.) On the other hand, I just-as-much-ly do not wish to become a bully and/or terrible individual who makes others with certifiable isms and disorders feel less than. Feel as though they are just looking for attention; trying to be special. Or worse - that there's something wrong with them and it's their fault.
Yuck.
Having said that!
I can relate to this, especially in my personal relationships. The general ones (co-workers, people one runs into at the coffee shop, strangers...) not so much. Why? Because these kinds of people very typically do not matter to me, or at least not as much. I still hope they have a lovely day, but will not hesitate to shut them down when I deem necessary.
I believe it started as a need to put everyone (who matters) at ease by way of self deprecation (I was doing it before it was cool!). I would make jokes at my own expense because I knew I could take it, it would disarm the people around me and help them relax by informing them that I do not think I am in any way above them. As well as displaying my sense of humor, which would convey that they could immediately expand the topic of conversation in general. Plus I loved to make people laugh. Tale as old as time.
The trouble is, I had yet to uncover the underlying instinct: that I thought I had to work for compassion/care/love. From anyone. Which sprung from unhealthy patterns with my immediate family, naturally. And when you mix the underlying instinct with the innate ability to put myself down to bring a smile to others' faces, you've got a recipe for disaster (or rather for... dis-order??). It bears mentioning that this "fawning" reaction is separate from the choosing to make the decision to manipulate situations and make people like you. This is not such a general insecurity; fawning is much more instinctual. It really simply springs from this (subconscious?) understanding that if one desires love, one must work for it. It is earned. And it is never to cease being earned.
As mentioned in my previous blog (Family: Security v. Freedom), I do not necessarily have to fret about my fawning instincts with my family; I don't have much of them, and the ones I know I have love me unconditionally. My friends? I have learned to just relax and accept and if they don't love me, well, I suppose that's that. My central downfall is my romantic relationships. I am getting better, but there are still times I cannot seem to shake this guttural drive. This need to bury myself for love. And as it goes, this is to seal my fate: will I never be in an equal relationship because I simply will not trust that someone is simply "giving" me their love? Am I to be perpetually damned to the manipulation of an insecure man who will - either consciously or unconsciously - make me earn it?
(Tune in next time! Same blog time, same blog channel!)
LET'S BLOG ABOUT IT.
**NOTE: I am not an expert on the topics we are about to cover. As will be glaringly obvious in the near future. The following words are my thoughts, opinions and understandings.**
I have two dear friends who recently unveiled this term to me; "fawning". As I understand it, it is under the same umbrella (of Trauma Response) as fight, flight and freeze. When I was younger, all we were taught about was fight or flight response. Is it a result of dissecting categories too far into a splinter that we have double the terms now? Or perhaps they have always very much existed and we are just newcomers to the land they've claimed in some of our lives? Interesting, perhaps, but another consideration for another time.
Fight: someone calls you a nerd and you punch them. Either with your words or your body parts.
Flight: someone calls you a nerd and you gtfo, hoping beyond all hope you can outrun them.
Freeze: someone calls you a nerd and you cease. To move, possibly to think... on a good day it may come out as an inaudible stutter.
NOW the one we've all assembled to hear about:
FAWN: Someone calls you a nerd and you STRONGLY agree, laugh unthreateningly, smile (but don't show too many teeth!) and somehow end up complimenting them. Cut to the weekend: you've bothered them with no less than sixteen text messages asking them to go out. It's all a blur, really, all you can remember is the word "drinks" and something about "my treat".
...Blast. Not again.
I'm not quite sure where to begin on this, and I already have so many thoughts pouring out of my ears, and so, this may be a two-parter. For now? Let's relate.
I typically feel very uneasy about sharing my similarities with disorders, isms... generally anything that could be misconstrued as an attempt to affirm my "special-ness". My individuality, so true that I really am the only one of my kind. ("I'm sure you wouldn't understand.") I hate that guy. Well, not hate. I am uncertain I truly hate anyone, I just find those people really obnoxious and awful. And since I feel the same way about hypocrites, I shall do my best to refrain from emitting either personality. (Scout's honor.) On the other hand, I just-as-much-ly do not wish to become a bully and/or terrible individual who makes others with certifiable isms and disorders feel less than. Feel as though they are just looking for attention; trying to be special. Or worse - that there's something wrong with them and it's their fault.
Yuck.
Having said that!
I can relate to this, especially in my personal relationships. The general ones (co-workers, people one runs into at the coffee shop, strangers...) not so much. Why? Because these kinds of people very typically do not matter to me, or at least not as much. I still hope they have a lovely day, but will not hesitate to shut them down when I deem necessary.
I believe it started as a need to put everyone (who matters) at ease by way of self deprecation (I was doing it before it was cool!). I would make jokes at my own expense because I knew I could take it, it would disarm the people around me and help them relax by informing them that I do not think I am in any way above them. As well as displaying my sense of humor, which would convey that they could immediately expand the topic of conversation in general. Plus I loved to make people laugh. Tale as old as time.
The trouble is, I had yet to uncover the underlying instinct: that I thought I had to work for compassion/care/love. From anyone. Which sprung from unhealthy patterns with my immediate family, naturally. And when you mix the underlying instinct with the innate ability to put myself down to bring a smile to others' faces, you've got a recipe for disaster (or rather for... dis-order??). It bears mentioning that this "fawning" reaction is separate from the choosing to make the decision to manipulate situations and make people like you. This is not such a general insecurity; fawning is much more instinctual. It really simply springs from this (subconscious?) understanding that if one desires love, one must work for it. It is earned. And it is never to cease being earned.
As mentioned in my previous blog (Family: Security v. Freedom), I do not necessarily have to fret about my fawning instincts with my family; I don't have much of them, and the ones I know I have love me unconditionally. My friends? I have learned to just relax and accept and if they don't love me, well, I suppose that's that. My central downfall is my romantic relationships. I am getting better, but there are still times I cannot seem to shake this guttural drive. This need to bury myself for love. And as it goes, this is to seal my fate: will I never be in an equal relationship because I simply will not trust that someone is simply "giving" me their love? Am I to be perpetually damned to the manipulation of an insecure man who will - either consciously or unconsciously - make me earn it?
(Tune in next time! Same blog time, same blog channel!)
Family: Security v. Freedom
I'm not sure how many "traditional families" are really left among us.
By "traditional families" I mean the whole scene where the parents stay together, Junior goes off to college/into the workforce, gets his own place in the city, but still is sure to make time to visit his parents/family for the holidays. A remark about Junior's trophies lining the wall. Dad prompts: "When are you gonna get your old crap outta the basement?" while Mum remarks "You know, you look thin, here's some food to take home. And some money. Don't tell your father." And when something inevitably goes south for Junior out in the "real world" (girlfriend/fiance doesn't work out, apartment doesn't work out, job doesn't work out, medical issues, etc...), he is admittedly "defeated". ...As he packs his bags, knowing - without hesitation - where he is going.
Back "Home".
Back to where his familiar parents are still creating the same dishes, cracking the same lame jokes, producing the same looks, sounds, lifestyle they have for the last few decades. The place even smells the same. Dad gives him a "hard time" about living back at home, but nothing too far to his detriment. Mum's just happy to have someone around who "appreciates her cooking". They will not accept any retribution for this deed. This expected act of humanitarianism. Sure, Junior will eventually fly the coop again, but all three of them keep the same unspoken understanding.
"You will always have a place here."
Now, I get what everyone thinks about their family.
"They're so crazy."
"They're so embarrassing"
"They're not normal".
And statistically, some of us are correct.
However! This idea of family still sticks in our minds. Is it merely a memory we never had for a time we never experienced? Is it simply an assemblage of our favorite films? Or are there some of us out there still requesting time off and marking our calendars for days in December? Where we will fly to a familiar place to reluctantly unpack our overnight/weekend bags in the same room we grew up in.
The reason I propose all of this: my sister and I do not have such a family - no parts of it. And I recently discovered that she - at least sometimes - longs for such a scenario. "I wish we had a normal family", she said. Then something beautiful (that made me very sad) about how nice it would be to just have a nice, clean, cozy place to rest and do your laundry at. She then asked me how I felt on the topic; did I ever wish we had a "normal family"?
I could honestly say "Not really, no", because I like just having her. Sure I used to wish and dream about it when I was younger, but something about this alternative family that I have; this other, affords me freedom, or at the very least, a feeling like it. Which, I guess in a way is selfish, but for what it's worth I would trade it all for my sister to be able to finally achieve the sensation of security she longs for. And on the other hand, it may not be selfish at all and may just be my ability to "pull out the positives". Then again it just may, in fact, be a result of a kind of coping mechanism my body has created for never really having any back up of any kind when I needed it.
For a moment I wondered if it was bitterness propelling my "honest opinion" on the matter, but no. It was merely my natural ability to "face the facts" (I am unsure if I have ever used this many quotations in one blog; forgive me. They just really seem to fit). And the truth is: I like being able to make decisions for myself and spend time (yes, even holiday time) the way I would like to. Spoiled? I am open to the suggestion, although I must say I really think it has less to do with being a princess and more with perpetually being filled with guilt over everything I do. Especially for myself. Even more especially if it means letting down someone who is good and deserves to not be let down (not that anyone does deserve that, in my opinion).
Plus, as far as I am concerned, once you do prevail over the hardships life throws at you in this solo fashion, you can feel even better about it being a self-made victory.
By "traditional families" I mean the whole scene where the parents stay together, Junior goes off to college/into the workforce, gets his own place in the city, but still is sure to make time to visit his parents/family for the holidays. A remark about Junior's trophies lining the wall. Dad prompts: "When are you gonna get your old crap outta the basement?" while Mum remarks "You know, you look thin, here's some food to take home. And some money. Don't tell your father." And when something inevitably goes south for Junior out in the "real world" (girlfriend/fiance doesn't work out, apartment doesn't work out, job doesn't work out, medical issues, etc...), he is admittedly "defeated". ...As he packs his bags, knowing - without hesitation - where he is going.
Back "Home".
Back to where his familiar parents are still creating the same dishes, cracking the same lame jokes, producing the same looks, sounds, lifestyle they have for the last few decades. The place even smells the same. Dad gives him a "hard time" about living back at home, but nothing too far to his detriment. Mum's just happy to have someone around who "appreciates her cooking". They will not accept any retribution for this deed. This expected act of humanitarianism. Sure, Junior will eventually fly the coop again, but all three of them keep the same unspoken understanding.
"You will always have a place here."
Now, I get what everyone thinks about their family.
"They're so crazy."
"They're so embarrassing"
"They're not normal".
And statistically, some of us are correct.
However! This idea of family still sticks in our minds. Is it merely a memory we never had for a time we never experienced? Is it simply an assemblage of our favorite films? Or are there some of us out there still requesting time off and marking our calendars for days in December? Where we will fly to a familiar place to reluctantly unpack our overnight/weekend bags in the same room we grew up in.
The reason I propose all of this: my sister and I do not have such a family - no parts of it. And I recently discovered that she - at least sometimes - longs for such a scenario. "I wish we had a normal family", she said. Then something beautiful (that made me very sad) about how nice it would be to just have a nice, clean, cozy place to rest and do your laundry at. She then asked me how I felt on the topic; did I ever wish we had a "normal family"?
I could honestly say "Not really, no", because I like just having her. Sure I used to wish and dream about it when I was younger, but something about this alternative family that I have; this other, affords me freedom, or at the very least, a feeling like it. Which, I guess in a way is selfish, but for what it's worth I would trade it all for my sister to be able to finally achieve the sensation of security she longs for. And on the other hand, it may not be selfish at all and may just be my ability to "pull out the positives". Then again it just may, in fact, be a result of a kind of coping mechanism my body has created for never really having any back up of any kind when I needed it.
For a moment I wondered if it was bitterness propelling my "honest opinion" on the matter, but no. It was merely my natural ability to "face the facts" (I am unsure if I have ever used this many quotations in one blog; forgive me. They just really seem to fit). And the truth is: I like being able to make decisions for myself and spend time (yes, even holiday time) the way I would like to. Spoiled? I am open to the suggestion, although I must say I really think it has less to do with being a princess and more with perpetually being filled with guilt over everything I do. Especially for myself. Even more especially if it means letting down someone who is good and deserves to not be let down (not that anyone does deserve that, in my opinion).
Plus, as far as I am concerned, once you do prevail over the hardships life throws at you in this solo fashion, you can feel even better about it being a self-made victory.
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