Relationships & Guilt

You may be sick of hearing about my affliction with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but here's the hilarious thing:

I can't help but obsess!

*queue laugh track*

Today I would like to touch upon the guilt-factor. More specifically, its effect on my "big life decisions". Let's start with something easy: Love.

Slowly but surely, I have come to realize that I feel as though the opposite sex (the one that I appear to be sexually and romantically attracted to) is much better off without me. Without dating me certainly, and possibly even without knowing me.

To date (harhar) I have not had a romantic relationship last. (The one longest one being a two-year stint wherein - I found - I was being actively cheated on, with my average hovering around a year.) At the end of any of the aforementioned un-lasting relationships, I leave the other party completely down. Which I hate. Because regardless of what they have or have not done, I truly do not harbor any lasting aggression toward them and hope they have lovely days to come. (Of course, I suppose it would be a bit suspect if neither of us felt down about it and treated the break-up more like a business transaction.) I feel as though any time a man spends with me is simply time wasted prior to finding their "forever homes".

Basically, I feel guilty when I am with someone because I cannot help but feel they would truly be better off somewhere else with someone else. The less I can negatively effect another person (anyone!) the better. And if I am with someone, I inevitably effect them negatively. Some people can live with this (healthy people, one might venture), I simply cannot. And it is nearly impossible to convince someone that it is not coming from a place of cynicism when I say:

I honestly do not think that I was made for relationships.

Not romantic ones, anyway. My friendship relationships are solid and I have positively no qualms with any of them. I feel as though I operate best when single. And although you can have as many friends as fate will afford you while keeping your solo status, I have not yet found a way to be both single and taken. Long story short? I hate the guilt, it eats me alive and if the numbers show the unlikelyhood properly; I probably just shouldn't bother.

This sensation can be bridged into other facets of my life, as well. Pets, for example, appear to be lovely and having something to spend your love on is almost always a good idea. However! I cannot help but feel the twinge of guilt if I am ever less than the owner they deserve, and so I do not have a pet. I feel as though - with such heavy commitments - it is better for me to err on the side of caution. Did I ever have a job I felt like leaving in order to travel? Sure, who the hell doesn't. But I am uncertain of the decision and so I stay. Drugs seem like a riot, but there are still days when I am happy that I have never experienced anything too hard because I (for some reason) feel guilty about even wanting them.

It is a strange thing, this guilt. And I am a strange creature. I am logical and forever empathetic. I am at peace and full of anxiety. I make perfect sense you can count on and yet I have these little isms you never saw coming.

Is everyone like this?