Holiday 2020 Free-write

 Well, it's the week of Christmas. (I know we just touched upon this, but I have a bit of lunch break left and I feel like writing. And I accidentally left my journal at home.) And in true 2020 form; it looks like it'll be a snowy bitch Christmas Eve and Christmas (which is made more hilarious by the fact that they are to be the only truly snowy days all week). I was planning on visiting my sister, but now I'm not sure what that's looking like. 

My sister lives a mere 5 minute drive away (if that), but the older I get, the less willing I am to drive in shit weather. And yes, I could hoof it but my poor sense of direction mixed with shotty data plan and a constant need to be boiling-lava-hot would dictate that perhaps that would not be the sharpest idea. "And on Christmas EVE!" They would say, as they recovered my hypothermic body from my neighbor's front lawn. 

It's just as well to me (see prior post about not actually giving a rodent's tushy about Christmas), but I would rather not let the old sis down. I was also planning on seeing my mother on Christmas Day, but if I am to shirk my sisterly responsibilities for a quick 5-minute-drive, I am certainly not about to risk a 25-minute one. Especially not on a road that boasts a 55-mph speed limit and turns into a luge of destruction any time there's rainfall. (THAT'S the Highway to Hell.) 

I had a kind of holiday celebration with my best friend, sister and my brother-in-law earlier on in the month and was able to drop off my mother's (and her man's) gifts to her this past weekend, so at least all will not be lost. There is, after all, always Zoom / Discord for those of us who simply cannot live without at least seeing our family members on Christmas Eve/Christmas. 

If I were able to be completely selfish: All I really care about is that we only have a few work days left in 2020 before my January writer's vacation. I always liked New Year's Eve better, anyway. 

Looking forward to dressing up to the nines for absolutely no one and drinking a little bubbly at home.

This One's Dark.

 I told myself that I would work on my next book after I got a blog post out of me, so here it is.

I made the decision to go to my favorite place (a beautiful bar that this town hardly deserves) tonight. I figured it was fitting because this is typically where I go to get my writing done. When I lived across the street from this place and needed to run away from my feelings and blog about it; this is where I came. When I was trying to recover the story (that I will be working on once I have run out of words here); this is where I came. And when it came time to spend my first vacation in seven years creating and assembling what would become my very first published book; this is where I came.

So what's on my mind tonight? 

Arguably too many things to write about. I was disturbed from sleep - at around 5:30 this morning - by an incredibly unsettling dream. Feelings of dread followed me as I attempted to go on about my day. I'm also considering the ever-present surrealism of trying to survive (and thrive) through a modern pandemic. (What'll it be today: Social Responsibility and restraint? Or a rousing game of giving up completely and surrendering to the selfishness that is the human coping mechanism?)

*looks around at bar*

...Nobody's perfect.

And even still: permeating my ear canals are the caramel tones of Christmas jingles from days of old. So naturally if you mix all of those ingredients together; you get an alcohol-fueled feeling of nostalgic-flavored uneasiness and dread for those I hold nearest and dearest. Selfishly, of course. Tonight I am distracted by thoughts I cannot deny. Tonight I am experiencing a moment of weakness; I am wondering how the hell we are all going to make it out of this thing "alive". What will we do when our favorite spots; our get-aways; our escapes face the possibly inevitable? What will we do when we are the people who work at the aforementioned? What will we do when this is "over"? What will we do January 1st when we realize it isn't over yet? 

The juxtaposition of the cheery holiday soundtrack over the suspense-thriller-mystery-horror flick that is our current place is nearly too much to handle. This may be the whiskey-ginger talking (and it may be the mental-illness), but it's almost hard to fight the laughter. If this film were being directed by the Coens, I would decidedly be in stitches. This point in the pandemic (or maybe just this day) feels an awful lot like a climax. If I were watching this scene from the comfort of my mother's bed (where I have likely watched the majority of movies), I might be tempted to lean over and mention to her:

"...I feel like the TV in the bar is going to switch to a National News channel where they're going to announce that the pandemic has gotten 'too out of hand' and at this point, the only thing left to do is just wait around for everyone to die at their own pace."

I said "This One's Dark." You came here of your own accord. 

Bing Crosby's I'll Be Home for Christmas just queued up; it's official. I have called the Apocalypse!

I am almost certain I will regret posting this blog tomorrow (if I even remember making it). I have been working hard to keep a level head about this, if not for me then certainly for those around me. I feel as though I have a great obligation to my friends and family to "stay true" and be "a rock" of sorts. I feel as though the minute I start panicking is the minute they will lose hope. Of course this could all be 100% in my head and I might just be experiencing great arrogance and in a Truman-Show-like twist; I'm the one that everyone else has been trying to protect all along. 

Regardless; I have decided that I have been "doing great, sweetie" for a while now and if I need to have another Covid-related nervous breakdown, then so be it. I've earned it (treat yo'self).

Let's drag this one out (since it feels like the friend I need at this moment in time): The Holiday Season this year has felt like a rash. Incredibly irritating; just when you thought you were rid of it; here it comes again. I remember being absolutely pumped two years ago. I remember playing classic Christmas music while decorating the black Christmas Tree that my two roommates and I pitched in on. I also remember both of those roommates telling me to stop playing classic Christmas music. Anyway, it was magical and cozy and fantastic in its own right. Here we were; three single twenty-somethings just trying to make it through early adulthood together / on our own. I recall ceremoniously closing my bedroom door, playing my Michael Buble Christmas CD (thanks, Ma!) and proudly laying out each Christmas present I had purchased / created for my loved ones. Out came the wrapping paper and ribbon and the rest is history.

Last Christmas (I gave you my heart) was a bit odd and a bit fumbley, but I still had such a lovely day at my mother's with my then-Special-Someone before eventually retiring to his apartment to spend time with him and his roommates. We drank, we ate and we were merry. 

I'm not sure what happened this year (other than the obvious), but I have officially decided to be non-denominational. At the risk of sounding like Hyde (of That 70's Show), I am realizing that I am completely over this Capitalist-driven season. I am over the stress of timing the online purchases. I am over driving in the shittiest, most dangerous weather (and in a Fiat!). And I am certainly over the collective mentality of "me" over "us". I feel as though - contrary to literally any clay-mation film - everyone just stops being "good" and "patient" and "forgiving". They seem to cease their decency (try saying that ten times fast) in their hyper-focused attempt at being the best gift-giver. I can't stand it. Blech.

I want no part in any holiday, in any religion and - while we're at it - any pandemic. I also hate the cold. Perhaps tonight I will trade another nightmare to dream of a green Christmas. 

*sigh* 

I just want everyone to be okay.

Why Can't I Be You?

 I've never really been one for idols, per se. Idols involve worship and worship sounds like an awful lot of work for an awful little in return. I will say that I have had people I look up to; strong women, not taking no for an answer. Hard workers. Hilarious comedians who courageously bare their personalities on stage to make strangers laugh. People who are simply genuine; themselves. All of these people who I have ever looked up to make me eventually look at myself with fresh lookers. Once these lookers have assessed my person, I begin my work of bettering myself in a certain way. I'll push myself to see if I can be a stronger advocate for myself; if I can be better at work; more courageous; more giving, etc... Pretty simple concept: you see something you think is cool, you reflect inward and try to be a little cooler. Lead by example kind of game. 

Here's where it gets a bit more complicated:

What happens when you're attracted to that cool person?

How do you know when you want to be LIKE the cool person versus wanting to be WITH the cool person?

Spoiler alert: I have no answer. Let's blog about it. 

I have made it this far in my life knowing that I am attracted to a slew of people, don't really have a "type" and am kind of a wild card when it comes to dating/sex life/romance. I feel as though I get along with nearly everybody. I am attracted to a large range of bodies, ages, personalities and backgrounds. So without this "type" to narrow things down a bit; how the hell am I supposed to know who to date? (I know I'm not the only one with this question.)

Now, to be clear: I have washed my hands of the traditional dating world for the time being and could not be less interested in a "relationship". But I still think back occasionally to when times were tougher; darker; times when I was... dating... It was obviously a nightmare from so many angles, but the one thing I would always get so perplexed by was: "I like spending time with everyone. Everyone-" nearly "-is beautiful/attractive. I have no idea what I'm doing." Not to mention the complication once you throw in things like: "Looks fade, so those are hardly important" and "Sex only lasts so long; what you really need is someone you like to have conversations and moments with.". 

Unreal.

Anyway.

Why is it that if a straight person finds another straight person of the same gender cool, they're best friends. But the minute the other straight person of a different gender is cool, they're obviously supposed to get married and put a down-payment on something? Do other straight women and men just hate that many people / not get along with the other sex? Is that the difference / is that how other straight peeps know who to date? What is this unholy dynamic. It makes no sense to me. 

Of course, let's not take for granted the fact that this whole blog is essentially me trying to make logical sense of a highly illogical concept ("love"). 

What about those of us who consider themselves pansexual? How on earth are they supposed to know which person to date? Just seems like a far-too-difficult situation to me. 

Sometimes I wish I knew more people who thought like me. I would love to have a conversation about this.

(and so ends my lunch break)

Old Toxic Friends

When I was younger (I'm thinking... late teens/early twenties), I went through some tough shit. More specifically: regarding my friends/loved ones/Romans/Countrymen. I will re-mold a sentiment from stand-up comedian Mike Birbiglia: 

"I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl who would be really offended that I said that." 

See, I didn't have friends, I just had a group of people masquerading as friends. I remember the heavy fog of disconnection and apathy and yes, eventually; loneliness. Even so; I recall clinging to these "friends" as tightly as my noodle arms could muster. Why? Because I was under the impression that these WERE my actual friends. Furthermore that I would never make any other friends. I was an adult now, after all, and school was over. Where was one to meet friends after school?? I was afraid of everyone at the bars I went to, so I couldn't exactly go alone. And even if I could; what would be the point? To see how small I could make myself in the corner, I suppose. It was my understanding that in order to make friends as an adult, one needed to first rely on their root group of friends to take them out and socialize. I suspected that eventually this "root group" would grow into such a large number (from the inevitable onslaught of company we would open our arms to) that it would simply break off at some point, naturally. And that must be why some people are still friends with their high school buddies and some are not. I did not realize that by cutting out the "root group" (or the "weeds", I suppose, to keep in time with the foliage theme) of toxic people, I could finally start my social life. 

I did not realize that by fully recognizing that I was being a coward and that the "root group" was being a collective poo-pile, I could actually free myself. And in a good way. Not a lonely-old-coot kind of way. I recognized this, I cut out the fakers and I freed myself up to spend time with... myself, really. 

When I was a child, I preferred to be alone; my days were overwhelming and all I wanted was peace. And the more children you threw at me, the more I found it increasingly difficult to keep calm. (And, if you've been paying attention you'll know; any social time I decided I could afford was preferably spent with my sister.) Something had happened from the span of my childhood into my early adulthood that made me lose focus and completely forget that I find alone time peaceful. And even preferable, at certain times. 

Once I realized that I had nothing to fear (by spending time alone), I started growing. My own character had suddenly shown - and I did not care for it. I had considered myself fairly self-actualized; I wasn't. I was closer than some other people my age... but FAR from where I wanted to be. 

From there it was just the play-out of the age-old-adage: Once I started focusing on myself and working on my own character and simply being the best kind of person I could, beautiful people appeared. Most of them through work, a couple from high school, some I even met at a bar (always the last place you look). 

What's the moral, Aesop? 

I'd say: don't be so afraid of having "nothing" that you cling tightly to vat full of poison. 

 (and so ends my lunch break.)

A Pandemic Academic

 ...More like a pandemic amount of rambling, am I right, folks?? 

I have opened up the flood gates and it appears as though I am unable to focus on much else in my free-writing. So here's more of exactly what you didn't ask for!

I do not have children and I have not been in school since graduating high school (not to brag), so I am unsure of what the education system is looking like these days. I do, however, have friends who either have children and/or are teachers and/or are taking classes, so I have a faint idea of what it might be like. 

Hell. It's like Hell, ladies and gentlemen. This pandemic has turned the state-funded educational process into even more of a nightmare than what we remember it being when we were serving our time. Whatever you and your buddies are going through at work? Kids are going through at school. And at a younger age. And in a more electronically-pulsed society. 

Now I don't know about you, but I, myself, would much rather go through hardships as an adult. As a child you have very little to no control over your past/present/future/life direction. This makes taking charge to solve your life problems very difficult. You also are very likely to not be as wise/understanding as an adult might be. This will rob you of a would-be powerful foundation of experiences that would-have aided you in your journey to solve-ation. And let's just say this imagined child-you comes to the conclusion that they do not know how to find a solution and must ask questions; No one listens to a child. Which will doubtlessly make for a difficult time getting answers. 

Whatever an adult goes through (for the most part , anyway - there is always an exception to the rule), they may only have to consult their arsenal of life experiences to find the solution. Or at least to get some direction; to create a hypothesis, instead of flailing around in some ill-fitting bib their mother bought them, wondering why adults insist on making everything in life so bloody high-up. (Is it because of the dog? Well that would explain the cookie jar on the counter. But why, then, have I been exiled to the very same floor??)

I'm doing that thing where I get off-track again. 

What I intended to touch upon in this blog entry was this: 

As natural as it is for us to be short-sighted (our jobs, our small businesses, the economy); what will this pandemic mean for the bambinos? The bambinos, after all, are our future. (Fun fact: another acceptable form of "children" in the Italian language is bambini. Which just sounds fantastically Italian to my ignorant, American ears.) ... (Also it reminds me of when I used to live for my brunchtime bellini.)

For starters; you've got this generational slathering of individuals who have the innate ability to avoid socialization/interaction as is (I don't wanna call to place our dinner order - you do it!). Let's not forget to consider the ever-present disapproval from generations prior. Then you throw in the pandemic. These children are never going to leave the house. 

In addition: the schools - and the teachers in them - are doing their best to make things work this year, but there is only so much one can do. There was no preparing for this (not properly, anyway), so I am truly not placing blame when I say: socialization and education is certainly going to suffer. All of those things we learned in school that we took for granted (getting in a schedule / learning how to interact with others) are to be thrown out the window. Even if the teachers did have time to consider such things; you're all bloody remote. As in: little to no human contact (other than the with parents, who I would like to assume have some contact with their children). 

How exactly is this going to affect the futures of these kiddos? Are they doomed to pay for it later in life? It's not like you can get these "building block" years back once they're gone. 

Although, wouldn't it be a gas if these "suffering" children ended up growing into the best human beings the earth has ever seen? 

Pandemic Purgatory

 I have discovered something while serving my time as the Ultimate Essential Worker: 

(first of all, please know that that was sarcasm. Second of all) Many jobs could be done - to completion! - by a much lower number of people than are doing the jobs now. 

Or... at least most of the jobs that are to be done at my place of work.

I had two brothers in arms fighting the (good?) fight alongside me as Essential Workers during my stint in a very nearly empty office. Granted there was still an army of the Sub-Essentials working from home... but let's get real, guys. Let's throw some quotations around "work" when we mention those of us "working" from home. Sure, I believe there is a small number actually trying. But I truly believe that - as earnest as one's intentions are, going into the game - we all succumb to opportunity at some point. Doubly so when it comes to our job. And if you aren't nodding your head a bit in reluctant agreement, you're lying to yourself (and myself. How dare you. I really thought we had something).

Surely I digress. These brothers and I were killing the bureaucratic GAME. We were answering telephones, making (color!) copies, flinging notarized documents at our superiors by the dozen. And that was just the first five minutes! It felt like I was back in the Service Industry, with a pace more akin to a seasonal restaurant than any office I have ever heard of. Sure we were miserable - but we're always miserable! 

This just makes me wonder how much less we office-folk are all doing in another dimension. And that dimension wouldn't know any other kind, so if they were then forced to do our amount of work, they would very likely react in a similar fashion as we were acting while we were in pandemic purgatory (another decent band name) ...(see also: COVID Emotion). I know I'm rambling again, but a curious thought, no?

This could have all been summed up in a sentence: it's all relative. But let's face it; you don't come here for the succinct conclusions. The ride - often times - is much more entertaining. 

Another thing I would like to touch upon (this blog will make the third today, all about the pandemic, so let's wrap it up here, folks): the Convenience of Opinion of the Non-Believers [Very Typically at the Cost of the Good Samaritan].

See, there's this collection of sheep who are just doing as they're told. Then there's this collection of people who just respect the government / care to do what they're told / maybe it's easier than starting a revolution. There's the group of perpetual Contrary Marys and conspiracy theorists who will never do as they are told, and then there's me. I don't know what the flying hell to believe, but I do know that I do not know what this illness is (as I am not a scientist). Ergo, I will "play the game". Is wearing a mask going to kill me? Presumably no. Then sure; I'll wear one. Who cares. (Quit being a baby, other group!) The Contrary Marys are who I would like to focus on now, as these are the humans making me feel so irritated, I may as well have assumed some otherworldly rash.

Head to toe. 

These are the individuals who find convenience. These are the individuals who have cut off members of their otherwise friendly PTA group for going out to eat at a restaurant (a veritable pariah!) but assume nonchalance as they host a family barbecue for twenty. "Well it's family, so..." It's not an inherited gene disorder, Agnes. It doesn't care about your family. You may as well have relations with your cousin under the guise of avoiding gonorrhea. "It's so ridiculous that we have to have contact with the general public for work - wait - What do you mean there's no holiday party at the office this year??"

I think I've made enough enemies for tonight. Thanks for reading. 

COVID Emotion (my new pop band)

 I have considered the use of focusing my writing on COVID-19 as a topic. I considered how it might be good for prosperity; may be one of those things I would enjoy looking back on once it's over. "Oh man, that's right - some places would take your temperature before you could even go in!" But I felt so uninspired and then I threw myself into assembling a collection of short stories for my publication (An Uncanny Madness, in stores now!) and I didn't want to force it. This blog is so precious to me because I know I can write whatever I want whenever I want - it had to be organic. 

Then last week happened. 

Last week (well, maybe the week before) was murder on me and so many of my cohorts. All of us Service Industry / Customer Service types who found it more natural to trudge on with a stubborn, blind optimism were finally hit with a thick, dark malaise. Those of us who survived to see this week were left wounded and sore from battle. Suddenly this was life during wartime. Those of us who had bested our somber enemy in round one were left to fend off the constant nibbling of our co-workers and strangers throughout the duration of the following days. All I can say is: thank God we have upped our communication game as a collective, because without that, many of us would have been left to go it all alone. Certain it was something only they were going through. Certain that their Special Attributes had failed them. That they hadn't boosted their Guardian Force with enough rabbit-like precision at the proper time of battle. 

Luckily - for most of us in my community, anyway - we were able to catch on in time. If not in time to prevent such feelings then certainly in time to remedy the situation Just in time for a quick comeback. 

So I guess the best callbacks for "prosperity" (so far) might be that
 a.) you should always practice good communication / check on your friends and
 b.) while we were busy focusing on "flattening the curve", the real enemy was finding all of us as individuals, in waves. 

Death may not be the worst thing to happen to us, although I hardly think I am fit to discuss it, as I have never died. I will say that in my opinion defeat, loneliness and emotional feeling of overwhelming seems as though it might be a bit worse. Pain is the real death. Death is simply the eventual conclusion.

A Pandemic Separation

Not sure how this will come off, but it's been on my mind lately.

I feel as though this pandemic we find ourselves in was doing some good for a moment. At first it didn't matter what it was doing for us as a collection of creatures because we just so panicked, we didn't even have the brain power to care about whether or not we skipped lunch. Then something beautiful happened.

We united.

It reminded me of what my mother had told me about her time in the service: the Sergeant will be tough on the privates for many reasons. One important reason is the psychological response: "We may not know each other, but we do all know that we hate the Sergeant S.O.B., and so we are united". The common denominator will knit these strangers together so tightly, very little will be able to break that bond. 

We all were finally on the same page (like that fleeting moment on New Year's Eve, except more screaming and on a more global scale). We all finally understood (in a way) that life is hard. That everyone is dealing with something. And although plenty of people were already dealing with a lot of somethings - most of which you and I will never have to face - this was still a very useful conclusion. It leveled the playing field a bit and in a very large way. The individuals in every mass were a little more likely to be kind, patient, understanding. A little more forgiving and thoughtful (like Christmas, except less screaming and not just involving suburban white moms). Then what happened?

We felt a great injustice.* We became insulted. A few fiery "WHY ME????"'s later, we dropped every iota of humanitarianism we gained since March - and then some. Now that we've grown accustomed to all the mask-wearing and conspiracy-preaching and no-end-in-sight-ing, we've decided - as a collective body - to start focusing on the real problems. Problems like missing Sunday football practice. Problems like having to wait in line outside the grocery store - in the cold! Problems like our favorite bars and eateries not being open until one in the morning. We've become evermore entitled and spoiled and in doing so, we have - once again - separated ourselves from each other. Because we have to go on unemployment. Because we have to keep working. Because we have to work from home. Because we cannot work from home. Because we have to wipe down the cart handle at the grocery store. Because there are new rules when we leave our house. 

Quite possibly the most frustrating part is: While we are all busy in our newfound self-absorption, we have thrown any regard of "essential workers" to the wayside. Past the wayside. We threw it against a wall of cold concrete in an alleyway behind an abandoned building. We did that thing that humans do where we shoot the messenger. Many of us are still firing. It's okay, though; that kid trying like hell to work his first proper job totally deserves it. Also he doesn't have feelings. Also his generation sucks, so be sure to throw that in there the next chance you get. 

I know that people think I am such an odd creature (and in many ways, I am) and I know that I do some things that I am glad others do not. I have so much to learn from others and I do not boast to be the best role model. However; if there was one thing that I do that others could benefit from, it would be to practice gratitude. Yes, I take it a little too far sometimes and it ends up being me just dealing with a bunch of shit that I may not necessarily have to deal with saying "gee, well at least I have a floor to sleep on". But I do think that it would come in handy for a few people right about now. If only we could have kept our organic unity.

Nothing lasts forever.

Although this pandemic sure feels as though it might.

*see previous blog post for reference.