March 2024

I am sitting at the desk my sous chef's wife gave me. 
On the folding chair I thrifted. 
Typing on the laptop my mother got me for Christmas (AGES ago).
Eating a baked good from the vegan restaurant across the street.
Sipping on an organic Pinot Noir from the liquor store that resides two tiny buildings away from mine. 

There were a few things in the air, making me anxious and pulling me away from the wonder of this life and now they are either completely solved or very-much-less in the air. Politely hovering just above ground. I know what happens when people relax too much / something gets forgotten / out of line in a way that would surely be the end of me, so I refuse to do so. However. I am trying to really not blow things out of proportion and actually relax a little and enjoy myself. A little. 

In a little while (great U2 track), I will no longer be down here and because of this, naturally it is my duty to be as present as possible and soak up all the goodness New York has to offer me. (It's not overwhelming by any means, this "goodness". But there is some. And that some is very lovely, indeed and I do not intend on taking it for granted.)

I wonder if life will never be as simple again. I wonder what will replace the simplicity. The simplicity one can only achieve when one is living in essential anonymity in a mystery state, far away from memories of who they always had been. Away from the responsibility / quiet obligation of being that person again. Those quiet obligations are, in reality, but whispering insecurities. One does not actually have to go back to who they once were. And I am hoping to be strong enough to trot confidently past such old habits and ways. I have grown and changed (after about 3 years, I would hope so) and really love who I've become throughout the interim. I would like to only continue growing from here. Hopefully I will be able to do so. 

I've finally done it: I've finally got the city studio in New York state. I've written here. I've created and adventured and made friends and created new habits. I have been able to wake up on my own time and decide - on a whim - to leave the apartment and take a walk for ice cream or food or a drink or meeting up with friends or to visit a used book shop. I have done it and now: I am done. Could I have done with more days like this? Sure, why not. But they are no longer necessary. And the things that are necessary are not here. And so: I am done. Time to move on. This is how I grow. 

It's been really cool seeing just what I am actually capable of. Living on my own in a state where I only know my ex / keeping up with finances just fine (a fact that shocked me but made my mother throw up her hands and say things like: "I dunno why you think you're not able to do things. You should know by now"). I have also learned: life is just SOOOO much better when I don't have to deal with customers for a living. There are customers (guests) in the restaurant that I work at, yes. But I do not actually have to interact with them. And that is solid gold. I have no idea what I'll be doing after I move, but I will say this: it's been really fucking nice. 

I have been creating like a wild woman lately (drawing / sketching / journaling / blogging / editing clothing / collaging...) and I had a paint project all lined up and thought out but... I already sent my precious paints away! So instead: I think for the remainder of the evening, I shall sip away at my Pinot Noir, read a bit and fall asleep to Drag Race. 

Solid.