TAXES 2017

Why is it that when you attempt to forge through your taxes at home, alone, online, it never goes properly the first time?

I can’t possibly be the only person who goes through this.

You’re one year smarter and have, most likely, survived one more problem from last year’s go at whatever tax site you log on to. Sure, you stumbled a bit last year, but that was last year! You were but a child! You’re an adult now. Things are different. You’ve filed all of your paperwork you’ve deemed necessary under “T” for taxes, subcategory “2016”, and once more you’ve got a separate folder INSIDE of those aforementioned for each job, each car, each loan, each medical bill and so forth. You get out of work on a Friday, you pour yourself a hot tea (with lemon, because, let’s not forget; you’re an adult now), log onto your personal computing device and have only a dim lamp to distract you. You even have your AGI and a personal check with your banking information, checking account and routing number on it. Surely you’ve done everything properly. You won’t be taken by surprise this year.

Surely.

You start out strong and confident, maybe even allow yourself a quick “HAH”. ‘You won’t take me this time,’ you think. Then, in the height of it, once you’ve painstakingly entered in all of the information from any and all W-2s, you remember ‘Oh, yes, I took out a bit from my 401k last year… for the house.’ You fiddle through your filework, first calmly, and then a bit more feverishly as the seconds go by. Fingers dancing, heat and panic building, you start to sweat as you begin to realize ‘This is it. This is the thing. The thing that stops me dead in my tracks and disallows me my feeling of completion.’ And then, finally, after admitting defeat; ‘I’m not getting my taxes done tonight’.

Now I have been through this rigamarole enough times to know that there are ways around things. Don’t have your AGI? No problem; go to this website and enter a few things. No routing number? Look it up on Google. No personal check? Well you can get that information at your local branch. Just a quick drive away. So naturally I think ‘Okay, so I don’t have my 1099r. I can just log onto that 401k provider’s website and get a copy there. Or at least enough information to get by.

I’m not entirely certain how many times and how casually I thought I had logged into said provider’s website, but whatever the number, it hadn’t been enough to remember my id and password to log into my personal information. But that’s what security questions are for! And after failing two in a row, I was locked out for the night… and the weekend. Because it was Friday night and this provider was unavailable by phone until 8:30am, Monday. And that is the only way to unlock my account.

The only reason for any real frustration is that, in addition to this new and exciting fuck up, I have never in my life waited this long to complete my taxes, and I wonder how much longer it will take. Have I surpassed the allowance of time? Is the FBI going to take me away in an armored car the way they would have liked to do to Al Pachino in Scarface? Only this time they would succeed entirely, due to the complete lack of uppers in my bloodstream. How tragic. Taken away at the young age of twenty-seven for accidental tax-evasion. Perhaps I will get off a bit early for good behavior. *

*I have done the proper research and found that this year's cutoff date is in April.