Therapy Pet

I feel as though I am a therapy pet to the people at large. The greater masses. Just about everyone I meet.

And I hope it's not because of anything dangerous/unhealthy like me sociopathically (not a real word) reading every situation/individual in lightning-quick fashion and morphing myself to exactly what they need/think they need/desire accordingly.

Let's just assume it's not, shall we?

I make people feel good - I should love that, right? And it's not like I hate it, not always, anyway. It's just that with the compliment comes the pressure. Not to mention it makes me question: the more often I make the general population feel good, will that directly lessen the exciting, gratifying feeling I get when I make people I actually love feel good? Furthermore, are all of my relationships (romantic and otherwise) destined to fail because of this? Let me elaborate:

Because doing things that are apparently just so out-of-the-ordinary extra-special fantastically sweet is my norm, that would lead me to think that I must naturally put more than the usual amount of efforts into whatever relationship(s) I have. Which my partner in said relationship(s) would eventually catch onto and take for granted (not specifically on purpose, more likely in an incredibly human condition way). Meaning that a gesture that others would typically be floored by/be taken aback by/post pictures on social media about, they will be more likely to grow to simply expect/shrug in response.

Don't get me wrong; if I am in any kind of relationship with an individual, I want them to feel great - they deserve to! They're really great people. And the world is cruel and, at times, very unforgiving. And I have learned to not entirely resent them for taking my actions for granted. I have learned to simply look at the specific scenario and judge accordingly whether or not I can be content within it. For example, if something simply doesn't mean as much to someone as it does me, I have learned to live with that. Not their fault. But if I am killing myself to work at something in a romantic relationship and the other party isn't even trying? That's probably going to cause a rift between us. A rift in which I will likely not be able to achieve contentedness.

MAN this is rambly (again, not a word). I feel as though I should have dissected this topic better and turned it into a couple of entries. I guess there are no rules for this blog of mine. And I guess it's a very good thing there aren't. It's late. I've had an exciting day. Please forgive me.

At any rate. I have tried to (as my mother says:) "put my bitch on" and not do things for people, but it feels just oh-so-uncomfortably unnatural. Even moreso for someone who certainly values authenticity over ...well a lot of things. So without being able to change myself, is there really ever going to be any other outcome? Other than doom, I mean. (I remind you as it has been nine years since the beginning of my original point.)

There was also a time that I subscribed to the belief that there was a meaning of life. I am talking specific reason why all of us, as individuals, are here. I have since changed my mind. But I wonder if the alteration of my perspective was driven by the conclusion that my life's meaning appeared to be for the benefit of literally everyone else. Anyone else. Nothing in it for me but solitude and the quiet satisfaction of a job well done. Probably enough for a "better man". I am not a better man. Maybe this felt like such a sad little fate for me that I reacted by deciding that there was, in fact, no meaning.

I bring all of this up because they are genuine thoughts I have had. Ongoing musings. And they never felt like they had enough merit to even bring up until recently.

I have realized that after going through all of the aforementioned for what seems like an eternity, by the time you have someone (again, romantic or otherwise) in your life who actually makes you feel like more than just a therapy animal, the past no longer matters. In fact, not much else does. Because who cares? You get to finally feel what you imagined others have been feeling all along. You get to feel human in the best way imaginable.