Emotion: a 2021 moment

 I had an emotion about something and finally talked to my bartender about it.

Said "bartender" is not simply that - he is my "big brother" and means the world to me. 

The immediate take-away is: I felt loads better. I get it now! I finally understand why it is people take to their local pub when times get tough. I have had more practice on the other side of the bar before this, I assure you, and never really considered the possibility of being on the other end. 

Alas, I have become the white-collar honkey who, after spending a week in the office, found my feet naturally led me to the nearest bar to solidify my place in the sweet siren's song that only Friday night can bring. My responsibilities will wake me tomorrow (Saturday mornings are for bank-runs and last-minute-postage), but for now? I am free. 

There is no greater feeling to be felt by a white collar-er than 5:01pm on a Friday.

At any rate, this emotion I had - as well as the talk with "big brother" - lead me to the conclusion that: I am not terribly emotional.

*queue my roommate/best friend in a fit of hysterics*

Those who are truly closest to me know full-well that I am more analytical than emotional. If such a comparison can be made. This is not to say I am without my emotional outbreaks - I still have a temper about certain things. Hell, I teared up at a Disney movie.

Humans are - inherently - emotional, so (to quote David Byrne): "How did I get here?"

When I was younger (did you feel that eye-roll? I did), I was a sociopathic, sardonic, cynical little shit. I kept to myself and let everyone around me go about their days and feel their things as I silently judged. 

I had such a temper then! I am nearly certain (sincerely hope) that you would not recognize me. Getting in a fit about my sister "taking my shirt". About looking "this way". About "having to do a certain chore". I had it easy, people. And I was selfish. And then I grew and then I decided that I was gross. 

So I worked on myself!

I was lucky enough to have a decent relationship with an incredible teacher (high school) who (in passing) asked me: "Are you self-actualized?"

I had no idea what he meant/told him so/he explained it to me/I've never been the same since.

No one is ever "the same since", why do we say that?

At any rate, since then I have been absolutely taken by the prospect of self-growth. Of Psychology. Of the human brain and its reactions to its environment. I have been actively working on myself ever since.

Fast-forward through my mother calling me a "mush" to the moment when a very important boss (friend who I worked for) called me an "Empath" (see prior blog). 

Turns out: The more I learned, the more I understood. The more I understood, the more empathic I became. The more empathic I became; the more patient and understanding I became with people as a human race. 

Here's the thing about patience and understanding: It makes you react less, consider more and - as an end result - be less "emotional".

To be "emotional" is to be "reactive". If one is reactive, one is most likely not considering. To consider is to be patient. Are we following my ridiculous prose?

Bottom line: I feel as though I have come nearly full-circle: from an un-feeling, judging punk-kid to a growing, feeling, emotional teen to a patient and understand and nearly un-feeling adult. I am very typically understanding / considerate to a point that most people have a problem with. People think I am being cold or dishonest (which is their right and hey - maybe I am! Who knows??) when in reality I think I am being measured and careful and considerate.