Proof of History

Why is it so heartbreaking to not have someone around who knows your history? Who - in one way or another - grew up with you? Who remembers you when?

I think it's sad in another way to only hold onto people because you have known them so long. Or because you are family. (I have no wish to do this. If people don't align with each other in important ways and are unwilling to change/grow, I think it's best sometimes to separate.)

I have no old ties. No blood family. Certainly no one from high school or earlier - I barely made it out of there alive. (It was really fun at times/a nice escape from home, but I obviously didn't make any lasting bonds / no one who earnestly tries to connect / who I currently see. Just a bunch of people with different lives.) Because of this lack of old ties: It feels like I suddenly didn't exist until my late twenties (when I met my best friend). Like everything that happened before has been erased. But why? I know it happened - I was there! It feels embarrassing to admit that I need witnesses to my past to prove that it happened. Not to mention: why does "what happened" matter so much? I think it's the strangest thing. I've always been so self-reliant and independent - Feels so strange to miss the mark here. 

I'm ever grateful for the beautiful people who surround me - these are the non-toxic acrylics that fill the canvas, that create the art. It's just so strange to say goodbye to your history. And 36 seems an odd age to do it. And this seems an odd way to do so. 

I don't know that anyone will understand the layer and complication to the scenario that led me to lose the last piece of my past, but I guess that happens. Some of these people still have their high school or college friends / their childhood neighbors / every last member of their family. Some of them could even visit their childhood bedroom - left untouched! So this feels very much like "just one more thing" I'll have to go through alone, in a way. But hey, maybe I'll start to forget the other stuff I went through solo since I will no longer have someone to remind me that it happened?

The whole thing just seems strange. But I'd rather have no old ties than have any who don't actually care about me. (I refuse to feel the kind of loneliness one can feel in the company of others.) And now I will have more time to spend with the precious peaches who do treat me well. But as a friend and I like to say: "Two things can be true at once". And this will also be difficult to navigate.