Whether you know this or not, I am attempting to refer to a the Cure CD with this blog title. (Check it out if you haven't, it's a good'n.)
I am, in my natural state, fairly even-keeled. My mother, not one to casually project compliments of this nature, once told me that I have the patience of a monk. Am I stressed and anxious on the inside? Probably. But that's more of a quiet storm, one that does not often effect my mood. As such, it comes as a great shock to me when I actually feel something and have what I refer to as a "mood". When I experience one of these "moods", I am transported to a now-familiar scene inside my own head. A dark, calm, quiet living room with one maroon sofa, one tall floor lamp, and a rug on the unfinished hardwood floors. Also residing in this cranial flat for all of eternity; the two versions of myself. One leisurely reclining on the aforementioned sofa, and the other nervously pacing the floor before the first.
The me in repose is the calmest version of my self. She is optimistic, sweet, quiet and is sometimes holding my cat, Romeo. The other, perpetually in motion, is representative of my tense self. Violently distressed, she is suspicious, emotive, loud and very typically a sweating wreck. On the other hand, the couch-me keeps me in bed too long and the sweaty-me is the only reason I get anything done. You learn to take the good with the bad.
As I understand, this is quite normal and even boring to the greater population. But I'm sure they do things that they find to be odd, remarkable or even magnificent that I do without thinking. So what's fair is fair; you write about your mundane thing, I'll write about mine.
These moods are not common, I certainly cannot count on them, but the most common theme between them all? Relationships. I don't mean romantically, not necessarily, anyway. I mean any relationship. And, more often than not, I do not find myself terribly vexed by the notion of spending my life without a lover, but evermore disturbed by the thought of losing a friend, drifting further apart, being mistreated by one, etc... Ask any woman worth her salt; a break up between her and her best friend will inevitably be worse than one with her and her romantic partner. Who will I daydream about going on silly little day adventures with now?
It seems to me that I should take the advice of my own harsh, logical thoughts and "get over it already". But I'm not certain I would if I even could. Feeling is nice, every once in a while. Especially for something I care about so much; my friends/family. They get all of my heart, which, to say the least, will always be risky. It will also always be worth it. And so continue the wild mood swings.
Thursday, August 9, 2018
Tuesday, July 31, 2018
Low-Stress Diet
In today's world - and quite possibly every other one - stress is inevitable. But not just every now and again; it seems as though it is always an appropriate time to be riddled with anxiety and fret. We have been told that this is simply the way of life, and we had better accept it/not fight it or - you guessed it - we'll be even more stressed out. I feel as though this is not 100% accurate.
Naturally, there are some of us who just appear to be more uptight more often; these incredibly shake-able individuals, it seems, are doomed to a life of anxiety. I am not confidant enough in my life-coaching abilities to say whether or not this is true. What I will say is: although I may not stress as easily over the typical things the masses do, I do stress out quite a bit over quite a few things that the masses may find to be of the mundane persuasion. Does this mean I have phobias? Am I destined to be the real-life version of Bill Murray in What About Bob?? Of course I am not trained in these topics, and so cannot be sure, although it seems as if I am starting to get a handle on it. So what is it, have I taken Dr. Leo Marvin's advice? Am I implementing the latest version of Baby Steps? In a way, yes.
I have made the conscious decision to take things a little more easily, to not expect too much of myself. To make and keep goals and ambitions, while keeping things as realistic as possible. Baby steps down the stairs.
These things are sometimes easier said than done, and naturally there are extraneous circumstances, but if you just nail down a few things, this smoothness will more often than not be your end result.
Don't double-book yourself; whatever this means to you, just try not to do it. If you get stressed easily when you make plans after work because you are worried you might have to stay late, or maybe the traffic will be a nightmare when you are released, or maybe you get very tired during work (to the point where you consistently just need to go straight home and sleep immediately), just don't rely on making plans after work. This will not only save your evening, it will also save your day at work.
Be realistic; I used to think that if someone called you "ambitious", it was meant as a compliment. In reality, being ambitious could be synonymous with taking on way too much - and in doing so, it is likely that you be unable to meet deadlines and/or not be able to give 100% on anything. As for scheduling, if you have never successfully gotten from your home to the destination in question in 20 minutes, don't plan to be there in 20 minutes. If ever in doubt? Just leave your starting point early. Even just a few minutes could make a huge difference. You will have a calmer commute and not fret so much over the traffic lights/traffic/etc... and maybe you'll just be super early to the hangout destination.
Be prepared/Be resourceful; it is my belief that everyone is at least one of these two. I try to be both as much as possible. Let's say that you do leave ten minutes early and arrive ten minutes (or more) early to your destination. If you are prepared? You will have a charged phone, great book, your laptop, favorite CD, some paperwork... something to occupy your mind and time as you await your pal. If you're resourceful? You will figure out a new article/game to check out on your phone, think of fun things to do/discuss with the person you are meeting with, better collect yourself, etc.
Create/Keep Healthy Surroundings; every person is essentially a human myna bird. The minute you surround yourself with negative people, negative music, negative media, you create a negative self. Don't let this happen to you (it is a slippery slope). Be proactive about spending your time with the people you love the most and make you feel the best. Listen to music that propels you into positivity. Even something as seemingly small as what you eat can make an enormous impact. Everything will not always be perfect, but the more things you make an effort to keep harmonious, the more harmonious you will be.
It it likely stressers will find you throughout your day-to-day, and such things simply cannot be helped. So why wouldn't you give your best efforts to start your day as stress-free as possible and control what you can in order to keep it that way?
Naturally, there are some of us who just appear to be more uptight more often; these incredibly shake-able individuals, it seems, are doomed to a life of anxiety. I am not confidant enough in my life-coaching abilities to say whether or not this is true. What I will say is: although I may not stress as easily over the typical things the masses do, I do stress out quite a bit over quite a few things that the masses may find to be of the mundane persuasion. Does this mean I have phobias? Am I destined to be the real-life version of Bill Murray in What About Bob?? Of course I am not trained in these topics, and so cannot be sure, although it seems as if I am starting to get a handle on it. So what is it, have I taken Dr. Leo Marvin's advice? Am I implementing the latest version of Baby Steps? In a way, yes.
I have made the conscious decision to take things a little more easily, to not expect too much of myself. To make and keep goals and ambitions, while keeping things as realistic as possible. Baby steps down the stairs.
These things are sometimes easier said than done, and naturally there are extraneous circumstances, but if you just nail down a few things, this smoothness will more often than not be your end result.
Don't double-book yourself; whatever this means to you, just try not to do it. If you get stressed easily when you make plans after work because you are worried you might have to stay late, or maybe the traffic will be a nightmare when you are released, or maybe you get very tired during work (to the point where you consistently just need to go straight home and sleep immediately), just don't rely on making plans after work. This will not only save your evening, it will also save your day at work.
Be realistic; I used to think that if someone called you "ambitious", it was meant as a compliment. In reality, being ambitious could be synonymous with taking on way too much - and in doing so, it is likely that you be unable to meet deadlines and/or not be able to give 100% on anything. As for scheduling, if you have never successfully gotten from your home to the destination in question in 20 minutes, don't plan to be there in 20 minutes. If ever in doubt? Just leave your starting point early. Even just a few minutes could make a huge difference. You will have a calmer commute and not fret so much over the traffic lights/traffic/etc... and maybe you'll just be super early to the hangout destination.
Be prepared/Be resourceful; it is my belief that everyone is at least one of these two. I try to be both as much as possible. Let's say that you do leave ten minutes early and arrive ten minutes (or more) early to your destination. If you are prepared? You will have a charged phone, great book, your laptop, favorite CD, some paperwork... something to occupy your mind and time as you await your pal. If you're resourceful? You will figure out a new article/game to check out on your phone, think of fun things to do/discuss with the person you are meeting with, better collect yourself, etc.
Create/Keep Healthy Surroundings; every person is essentially a human myna bird. The minute you surround yourself with negative people, negative music, negative media, you create a negative self. Don't let this happen to you (it is a slippery slope). Be proactive about spending your time with the people you love the most and make you feel the best. Listen to music that propels you into positivity. Even something as seemingly small as what you eat can make an enormous impact. Everything will not always be perfect, but the more things you make an effort to keep harmonious, the more harmonious you will be.
It it likely stressers will find you throughout your day-to-day, and such things simply cannot be helped. So why wouldn't you give your best efforts to start your day as stress-free as possible and control what you can in order to keep it that way?
Friday, July 20, 2018
Reminder
Today's post is going to serve as a quick little reminder to my future-self, and as such, is likely to be a bit less eloquent.
You've just been through a bunch of shit.
You had a killer job with a big-brother bar manager and a cool-aunt GM, but you gave it up in order to help a best friend while simultaneously giving yourself an opportunity to make more money. You got the money, lost the friend.
Around the same time, you lost another close friend because of her toxic choices.
When you moved for friend/opportunity, you moved by yourself and it was stressful and terrifying.
Your boyfriend eventually moved in and after one year, made it apparent that your appearance/other peoples' opinions meant much more to him than you did. That ended (after a very lengthy, stressful process).
You tried a new job, got to do work you really liked for a great, fair boss, and after you left, your co-worker decided to commit defamation of character, not only on you, but on cool boss person.
You moved back in with your mother at 29.
Your "Central Perk" was completely destroyed by an individual filled with malice - dunderhead sheep followers in tow.
You still tried to be social, ended up getting whisked away by another guy to find that he was not sweet & bizarre, but just bizarre, entitled, arrogant and possibly certifiable.
BUT!
You must not forget all of the incredible things that have happened. Your true family. Your art selling, the fact that you love your job here even more than the previous one, you are socializing OTHER places and in doing so have seen beautiful art and comedy and music you would have otherwise never thought to seek, you still have Jasper; the most beautiful, without-a-doubt-coolest car and co-pilot you could ask for. You may be at Ma's under duress right now, but at least you don't have a bunch of money problems and for the first time in your life you have a physical place as a back-up home, in case anything should happen.
Don't forget what you've been through because it serves as a reminder of what you can conquer, how strong you are. But don't let the past bullshit blind you from the incredible stuff right in front of you in current day.
You've just been through a bunch of shit.
You had a killer job with a big-brother bar manager and a cool-aunt GM, but you gave it up in order to help a best friend while simultaneously giving yourself an opportunity to make more money. You got the money, lost the friend.
Around the same time, you lost another close friend because of her toxic choices.
When you moved for friend/opportunity, you moved by yourself and it was stressful and terrifying.
Your boyfriend eventually moved in and after one year, made it apparent that your appearance/other peoples' opinions meant much more to him than you did. That ended (after a very lengthy, stressful process).
You tried a new job, got to do work you really liked for a great, fair boss, and after you left, your co-worker decided to commit defamation of character, not only on you, but on cool boss person.
You moved back in with your mother at 29.
Your "Central Perk" was completely destroyed by an individual filled with malice - dunderhead sheep followers in tow.
You still tried to be social, ended up getting whisked away by another guy to find that he was not sweet & bizarre, but just bizarre, entitled, arrogant and possibly certifiable.
BUT!
You must not forget all of the incredible things that have happened. Your true family. Your art selling, the fact that you love your job here even more than the previous one, you are socializing OTHER places and in doing so have seen beautiful art and comedy and music you would have otherwise never thought to seek, you still have Jasper; the most beautiful, without-a-doubt-coolest car and co-pilot you could ask for. You may be at Ma's under duress right now, but at least you don't have a bunch of money problems and for the first time in your life you have a physical place as a back-up home, in case anything should happen.
Don't forget what you've been through because it serves as a reminder of what you can conquer, how strong you are. But don't let the past bullshit blind you from the incredible stuff right in front of you in current day.
Friday, July 6, 2018
Summer
Every winter I think it's never going to end; the violent winds, the harsh storms, the ice, the bitter temperatures, the agoraphobia that comes with it... And then it happens.
Summer.
Some may argue that summer in Maine is no summer at all, but it is how I know the season best, and as such is completely comfortable to me. The warmer weather (this year, apparently, more than others passed), the shining bright sun, the festivals, concerts and events, the evenings that seem as though they will never end, the faith in humanity that comes with it.
As I notice that my mood and overall outlook improves immensely with every warmer day, I also need to recognize that each summer (so far, ever the realist) is better than the last. One summer is great because I am around a new and exciting circle of friends, doing things I wouldn't normally do, or maybe another is great because of a new love, or maybe because I traveled or got into painting again, or writing, or there's a new job etc... This summer is great because there is a new spin on an old story. My loved ones; friends, family, community, town are surrounding me but in a brand new way. I am anything but bored, although I am quite comfortable. I love how hot it is. I love that friends are getting me out of my comfort zone. So far my favorite things that they have accidentally pushed me to do are going to Portland more casually (oh, you have a gig there? Yeah, I'll drive ya), attending comedy shows/entertainment, and certainly finally taking appropriate advantage of the fact that I live so close to so many natural bodies of water. That, paired with the swing of socialization and "yes-manning" I have fallen back into since getting into town, have made for what I would deem as a very successful summer.
And it could be argued that I still have a whole month to go.
Speaking of "It Could Be Argued", I have officially started writing again (thank God); "It Could Be Argued" and "In Case This Helps" will hopefully be on bookshelves before I die (but if not, not). It is just so incredible to have that writing drive. Nothing feels better. Maybe not even music... (!) But maybe. In addition to that fun creative aspect, I have also began painting again! I am not sure how far it will go, but it's awfully nice being easily inspired by fully immersing myself in the art community through my job, for once. Less pressure that way!
Alas, the coffee shop I am writing in (can you say "cliche"?) is about to close up shop, and so I must away.
This blog feels less poetic and more sloppy, but it'll do for now.
Wednesday, June 13, 2018
My Goodness.
I have this habit of claiming that my life is boring.
Maybe it is.
It's all relative, there is no undeniable answer to whether it is or isn't. A matter of opinion is not a fact. Whether my life is, in fact, a bore or not, I will say that I feel as though a lot happens in it (and "what happens matters").
B and I have separated (a mess I am not certain it would do me any good to uncap/recap at this point). I should mention, however, that I was incredibly uncertain about my final decision for quite a while;
(discussing the separation originally) was I being too harsh?
(speaking to my family about it) How much hurtful behavior should I forgive one person for?
(gathering my things, packing) Specifically a person I love so much and means so much to me?
(situating my things in the space I've moved into) Well maybe I don't mean as much to him, because he was harmful to me, and not just once... And on and on.
Thankfully, I was given some grace.
The minute I moved back into town, I dropped my things off in my mother's vacant room (safe, away, no immediate rent necessary, one less thing I have to worry about). A friend in said town not only asks me to house-sit for a month for him and his wife, but is passionate about me being the "guy for the job". As I am house-sitting, I am able to be closer into town (where my friends/the attractions are) and, as such, am able to be much more casual about saying yes to certain social events. I get out, I reconnect with friends that I very much need around me, I see how much fun and how full of love my life can be. I am reminded. Single or not, I'll be just fine, thank you.
It isn't too long before my beautiful friends/community members connect me with the odd shift at the local restaurant/bar I used to work at, then one of them hook me up with this incredible job that I could have never conjured up with these bosses I don't believe exist (too good to be true), and as a result I am at work, surrounded by art, artists, art-talks, the ability to organize and be odd and play music I like and sing out loud to it. There are events that I actually care about, with people I love and respect very much. AND it's part-time, so I don't have to donate all of my time to it.
My job: beautiful. The weather: beautiful. My friends and community and family: beautiful. Goodness all around me. The only thing left to do is listen to the Beatles.
Oh my goodness.
Maybe it is.
It's all relative, there is no undeniable answer to whether it is or isn't. A matter of opinion is not a fact. Whether my life is, in fact, a bore or not, I will say that I feel as though a lot happens in it (and "what happens matters").
B and I have separated (a mess I am not certain it would do me any good to uncap/recap at this point). I should mention, however, that I was incredibly uncertain about my final decision for quite a while;
(discussing the separation originally) was I being too harsh?
(speaking to my family about it) How much hurtful behavior should I forgive one person for?
(gathering my things, packing) Specifically a person I love so much and means so much to me?
(situating my things in the space I've moved into) Well maybe I don't mean as much to him, because he was harmful to me, and not just once... And on and on.
Thankfully, I was given some grace.
The minute I moved back into town, I dropped my things off in my mother's vacant room (safe, away, no immediate rent necessary, one less thing I have to worry about). A friend in said town not only asks me to house-sit for a month for him and his wife, but is passionate about me being the "guy for the job". As I am house-sitting, I am able to be closer into town (where my friends/the attractions are) and, as such, am able to be much more casual about saying yes to certain social events. I get out, I reconnect with friends that I very much need around me, I see how much fun and how full of love my life can be. I am reminded. Single or not, I'll be just fine, thank you.
It isn't too long before my beautiful friends/community members connect me with the odd shift at the local restaurant/bar I used to work at, then one of them hook me up with this incredible job that I could have never conjured up with these bosses I don't believe exist (too good to be true), and as a result I am at work, surrounded by art, artists, art-talks, the ability to organize and be odd and play music I like and sing out loud to it. There are events that I actually care about, with people I love and respect very much. AND it's part-time, so I don't have to donate all of my time to it.
My job: beautiful. The weather: beautiful. My friends and community and family: beautiful. Goodness all around me. The only thing left to do is listen to the Beatles.
Oh my goodness.
Saturday, June 9, 2018
A Lovely Saturday.
It is June of 2018, which means that I have officially dropped the ball on blogging.
The coolest part of this, of course, is that this blog is not my responsibility; it is not my duty to "keep up" with/on it, to "stay current". It is simply a tool. Something that serves to aid in getting my thoughts out, to commemorate a personal time/moment in my life, and likely I am the only subscriber. As such, if I do not write every day/month/never publish another post as long as I live, the only person I am in danger of letting down is myself. And I am very much still on my low-stress diet, which means I will certainly not allow the aforementioned scenario to bring me down.
Today I am in Portland.
It is absolutely beautiful outside. In the park, past the cobblestone path from the parking garage, there is a spirited young man strumming guitar and singing the words to David Bowie's "Starman", a personal favorite for sure. I am in an area of Maine where I normally am not, I am drinking a locally brewed iced Americano from a cafe I have never before been to, and my car is safely in the garage. To further immerse myself into the romantic ease of the day, I recognize the fact that today is not mine to schedule. I have no further dates to keep; my only real responsibility was to make sure M got down here in time for his commitment. And I did!
M will be occupied at said appointment until about 1pm. So what else is there for me to do but to legally park Jasper for about 4 hours and really appreciate some simple aspects of the area on this gorgeous day? And naturally check in on my blog, hopefully keeping my ability to write somewhat polished.
Speaking of which, there is plenty to write about since the last post, and since the gift of time has once again fallen into my lap, perhaps I should take full advantage of it.
Tuesday, October 31, 2017
Happy Hauntings
Have I really only submitted one lousy blog for the entire month of September?? And none at all for this month? Well this is surely hardly done. And given the fact that today is a glorious holiday, it gives me just the right amount of fuel for a quick check in.
Happy Halloween.
I have, sadly, crushed my way (all too easily) through the latest Lore episodes, attended an incredible Halloween party, hosted two very entertaining spooky story-telling events at the bar my sister manages and even seen the haunting remake of Stephen King's IT. So what is there left to do? Today marks the last day of "Shocktober", an event invented by B, designed to go on throughout the spookiest month. An event where a scary movie has been designated to be played each and every day (by him and yours truly). Today we have landed on Tom Hanks' the Burbs. An undeniable classic, for sure!
There are many other things to be written about and updated on since September, but I will leave that for another entry, possibly for another day entirely. Now? It's time to get good and creepy.
Happy Halloween.
I have, sadly, crushed my way (all too easily) through the latest Lore episodes, attended an incredible Halloween party, hosted two very entertaining spooky story-telling events at the bar my sister manages and even seen the haunting remake of Stephen King's IT. So what is there left to do? Today marks the last day of "Shocktober", an event invented by B, designed to go on throughout the spookiest month. An event where a scary movie has been designated to be played each and every day (by him and yours truly). Today we have landed on Tom Hanks' the Burbs. An undeniable classic, for sure!
There are many other things to be written about and updated on since September, but I will leave that for another entry, possibly for another day entirely. Now? It's time to get good and creepy.
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