Love Languages

 I know, I know. 

Not only am I late to the game; even when I wasn't late to the game, very few people cared about this. But I care. And it's my blog. Send it in the comments section if you truly are unable to help yourself. 

I heard about the 5 Love Languages a few years ago, found it interesting. Took a test. Found out my language(s). Years later: I have finally read the corresponding book. R, an amazing friend, recommended it to me and I couldn't be happier that she did. There are a bunch of fun things to read about / discover in it, but here's what I want to focus on today:

I think it's fascinating that the kind of love one requires may not even be the kind one gives. 

I suppose on one hand: there's no bloody use spending love the way you need it to be spent on you because, well, you're not going to date you. However, I typically try to live by the Golden Rule (by and large, anyway. There are specific exceptions). Here's the thing, though - I wasn't giving what I needed in romantic / love relationships. I was fluent in:

*    Acts of Service
*    Gift Giving
and as I got a bit older
*    Words of Affirmation

My love languages are:

*    Physical Touch (first and foremost)
*    Quality Time (in second place)

So what on earth is going on, here? What was I on about? I think, simply put: I was mostly being selfish with my time. My time was My Time and I wasn't very generous with it. There was so much I wanted to do! So much that needed to be done (work, cleaning, groceries, organization) and so much I was interested in (writing, reading, gaming, baking). And so much of that is more enjoyable (I find, anyway) when going it alone. 

The good news is: not only have I got more things I'm into now (cooking, yoga / exercise, researching / learning, PLANTS) but I have actually learned to share time. I have learned that time is the wildest, best, amazing gift you can give anyone. Especially in adult life. And it's not fucking easy. And sometimes it's gonna suck and you just have to weigh it out: can you deal with a little suckage at the price of your favorite person in the whole wide world being happy / knowing you love them / make efforts as an active decision to love them? Totes worth it. And, if I'm being honest, it's just so bloody easy to do it now because it feels good to know you're helping your fave human feel good. 

I know: sappy. I don't wanna hear about it. 

Next: Physical Touch. Simply said: I was not doing this because I was so sick of being pursued / valued only at face value / creepy men / being a woman blah blah blah. (Amiright, ladies?) But then I learned that you can choose your partners; you don't just have to date the ones who ask you out! You can make decisions! And if they're not creepy and they dig you and you're consensual: you're probably going to be more likely to want to touch them. And be touched by them. Pretty wild, eh?

I think another reason I was performing Acts of Service / Gift Giving / Words of Affirmation was due to my upbringing. (Not necessarily my parents, not necessarily not them.) The people I was around most as I was growing up were incredibly busy. They had no time. There was nothing they felt the could do about it. So it meant a lot to them that I took care of something. And being so busy / having so much to take care of (for so many years, in some circumstances), it was shocking and a delightful surprise when there was something tangible that I could bring to them to show them that I really thought about them. (Let this talisman mark the day that effort was put forth!) 

As far as the Words of Affirmation: nobody was nice to each other back then. It was the 90's. Matthew Perry lead the whole team with biting sarcasm. Jim Carrey did his part in Liar Liar. We were all terrible. Especially to our friends and loved ones. We had to convince ourselves - and everyone else - that we were light-years cooler than them. What a time to be alive. 

Anyway. It was a fun book to read, the test was interesting to take and it got my mind rolling. If nothing else: it was a cool look into relationships that I hadn't thought of, specifically, before. I feel like I have a shot at being a little better at relationships after reading the book. Perhaps I will read more relationship-y books. Once I finish my latest Shirley Jackson or Chuck Palahniuk I've picked up, that is.