Now vs Eventually

Today it has come down to a choice of longevity versus immediacy (if that is, in fact, how you would word such a thing).

To some, being in an environment that promotes contentedness is very important. For example: I choose to work jobs that keep me content, actively pursue happiness and surround myself with the people I love most. Partaking in activities that (for the most part) do not stress me out to high heavens, and live in a place I love. Obviously there are circumstances where not all of these items are available/realistically obtainable, etc... and so I count myself very lucky. Also, of course: there are plenty of people who convince themselves that they either cannot achieve these things - when, with a little elbow grease, they certainly could - and/or that these things are not truly "what it's about" for them.

Not too long ago, I found myself in an environment I disliked with a person who did not value me and a job that was quickly mutilating my physical body and destroying my sleep pattern at break-neck speed. So I came back "home", surrounded myself with promising people and places and gladly took the pay-cut. At said time, I was able to "take it easy" and get plenty of time to write (my true passion!). Seemed like the perfect plan.

Now, however, I find myself in the situation of realization: I could keep working at these jobs that are lower-paying and give me some very long days and some very short days (the appeal, of course, being that on these short days I have time for reading and writing). And in doing so I could professionally lay low and work these jobs for an indefinite time. OR, I could buckle down, work one job that pays better with a set "banker's hours" schedule, stay out of trouble/go out less/have less daytime off and save like a mad man. The idea behind this option would be that eventually I could simply retire early and have a bunch of days off for reading and writing indefinitely.

I cannot tell you how many times I have been faced with this option, and I am sure this will not be the last time I consider it. And who knows? Perhaps I will never retire and just switch back and forth between the two options until I fall to an "untimely" death (from working so hard). My opinions and goals are ever-changing; perhaps this will be "the thing". For right now, however, at the age I find myself in, the one job seems like the most appealing.

Last night I was asked about my future. How I would see it. And although I was convinced that I had "never given much thought to it", words came out of my mouth in a mudslide. They came out smooth and complete, as if they had been rehearsed at great length. I really learned something.

I think that there is much to be said for being in the moment, taking things as they come and not rushing anywhere. I also think (classic: balance) that, once you do find out where you really want to be, you'd be a fool not to move your feet.

Personalized Health

Smoking (in any form) is simply a really silly thing to do and I just wouldn't suggest it to anyone. I will say the same thing about consuming drugs, alcohol and animal products.

However!

At a certain point, it really comes down to a "Choose Your Own Adventure" as well as considering what you really care about. For example:

If you really care about postponing your own death, I think it would make sense to not smoke/drink, get plenty of exercise (but not too much/nothing too strenuous), keep calm (stress kills) and not eat any animal products (while still feeling free to use things such as leather in your everyday fashion).

If animals are your main concern, might I suggest denying the consumption of animal products completely (no eggs, dairy or leather) and you could lay off the serenity, exercise and smoke/drink to your heart's content.

Passion for the environment? Walk to your destination (in lieu of driving), don't smoke, I suppose you could drink, be lazy and stressed and stay on the vegan train.

Not to mention other factors like auto-immune diseases, as it has been argued that smoking (something that sort of attacks your immune system) might save you from suffering from your auto-immune symptoms. Or things like location: if there ever was a time where (for some reason) meat and cheese and egg were your only options for sustenance. At this point if your hunger meant more to you than your passion for animals, you would be likely to eat said animal products.

Not sure if this blog has a point, I really just think it is an interesting topic and I think it fits nicely into my general adoration of "balance" and "choosing the lesser of two evils".

Church & State

Relevant points from previous blog entry:

1.) Things get a little squiffy when religion is involved.
2.) Not everyone is going to get what they want all the time.

When it comes to politics, I really don't know what I am talking about by way of studious learnings and reading activities, I really just apply what I have learned in life to come to a conclusion about it. Much like I would any other matter. Of course there are plenty of details and things to consider when it comes to such an immense topic. The things that have been on my mind lately are mostly related to human rights and freedoms. 

It is already a known difficult topic and only becomes dicier when you are considering a thing like "Freedom" in a place like "America". Land of the free. We've got that whole lot of rights and so on to keep us strong and independent. It is what our systems are based on. The trouble is: sometimes things that can be considered "traditional" desperately need an update to truly perpetuate freedoms/independence/rights. We have grown as a people; we have learned that women are people. Okay, so let's update that whole "she can't vote" business. Easy fix, right? Wrong. Plenty of people fought this for plenty of reasons, one of which was that we shouldn't mess with our tradition; our rules and standards that this country was built upon. If we change that, what else will we change? Something about segregation, perhaps?? The very idea. 

I am not saying all original ideas/standards put forth by our forefathers were shit; I quite like a lot of them. Same could be said about tradition as a whole. Tradition can be quite useful. Like that whole tradition of murder being frowned upon. That's a fantastic one, in my opinion. But it is only just that: my opinion. And it can be quite difficult to know who's opinion to heed. Who's voice to listen to. These matters we vote on often becoming so black and white when in reality? We could use a little balance. A ...Gray Scale, if you will. 

It is also particularly trying when you consider the fact that Church was so much more prevalent when we were creating these laws for ourselves! Plenty of our laws (like the no-murder ones) were actually sprung from what some berk read in a bible somewhere. These things only become more and more confusing when you throw a thing like religion into the mix. 

Let's say Joanie is of a religion that says she has to eat lunch every day at precisely noon. Does that mean her government job should allow her to do so every single day? Doing so would be unfair to others who work there (who also really would love to take their lunch at noon). And if the boss didn't hire her due to this, Joanie would only sue and win and get the job anyway. WHICH would be Joanie's right to do, thanks to plenty of American laws. Or would it be the boss' law-protecting right to not hire this Joanie? Becomes quite arduous. 

On serious matter: there are plenty of people who believe abortion should be illegal because of religious reasons. On the other hand, there are people who believe it is the individual's (woman with child's) right to do what she wants with her body (in accordance to laws that protect freedom), and as such, should have the ability to choose. (As far as I am concerned, this one is a pretty simple one.) Or how about the fact that our Canadian brethren (I know; that's not America. Just hang in there, baby) have, as I understand, made it illegal to call an individual by the incorrect pronoun? Now, as far as I am concerned, everybody can prefer to be called/known as whatever they want. It really seems like none of my business. HOWever; to go so far as to make it illegal? This one isn't even religion-related, but it's got me baffled in a similar manner. Without even bringing things like sadistic people (who would assume a pronoun just to get someone else in trouble/jailed) and loopholes into this, I really believe that this is more of a "manners" issue than it is "judicial". Of course it could be argued that it is entirely not the thing to kill someone, and doing so would be considered quite rude. But this Canadian law, I think, might be closer to "bullying" than even "slander". 

We create our laws to protect. But it is impossible to protect every single person's "rights" because at some point there will be a disagreement. An argument of what the definition of "rights" is. I have the right to say something online and not be berated. But, wait, everyone else who sees it online has the right to say what they want about the original article. And then, naturally, there are some things that the government should simply keep its nose out of. 

Heaven

Here are two things that have been on my mind lately:

1.) Things get a little squiffy when religion is involved.
2.) Not everyone is going to get what they want all the time.

And I feel as though they match up under the same umbrella of thought/theory. I also feel as though this proposal deserves (at least) its own book. But I don't have a book. I have a blog and just enough time to write a bit in it. So here goes.

The idea of "Heaven" has always perplexed me. As a child I remember thinking that at a first glance the intention of it was simple enough to understand: Be good and you will be rewarded. Be bad and you will be punished. And I understood that. But once I got into the details of it, it simply seemed downright impossible. Because, as I understood, this "Heaven" is where you would be rewarded with a really great setting and scenario for the entirety of your afterlife. A place where you would be happy - forever. Let's get past the whole "we've been to space and haven't seen Heaven" thing, and arguments of the like. What I didn't understand is this:

How could I be perfectly happy forever in a Heaven where someone else - who has a completely different idea of "happiness" - was just as happy? One person's idea of Heaven has dogs everywhere (for snuggling). My idea of it would likely have little to no domesticated animals, as I do not care much for the hair, allergies or responsibilities that ensue. Is there someone else taking care of these creatures? Who? Why do they get stuck with it? That couldn't possibly be enough people's idea of Heaven to really take care of all of those dogs. Also, what if the dogs don't share the idea of this scenario being "Heaven"? Do they not get a say?

The point to all of this (holy cow) is: Not everyone is going to get what they want all the time. Also, what if my idea of "Heaven" is spending time with someone incredibly special who does not subscribe to the ideals that allow you into Heaven? Then I am out of luck, I suppose. Leading, of course, to possibly the most peaceful and least controversial evidence of the other point I had: Things get a little squiffy when religion is involved. So many holes! So many variables. If religion were a story, it wouldn't be a very good one, what with all the plot holes and (what some may find to be) injustice.

This leads me into the next topic I typically think of in congruence with the aforementioned:

"Separation of Church & State"


(see next blog)

Gender / Identity pt II: Being Watched

I suppose I could have just edited the following into my original blog entry concerning the gender topic, but if I just make a brand new entry, I won't have to be distracted by the headache that comes with editing an old piece to reflect new feelings.

As I mentioned in the entry prior to this one; I never really markedly saw myself as a female, I just was. I just am. I was more (and am more) focused on the fashion side of things on the daily: today I want to wear these clothes that happen to reflect a more masculine theme. Today I would like to wear classically feminine items of clothing. Etc...

I'm not sure I delved completely into this, but I feel as though a lot of this genderless supposition stemmed from the desire to remain invisible to the people at large. Especially certain people. Like I had mentioned before; I only really wanted to be around/spend time with/be seen and noticed by my mother, father and sister. (Mainly my sister. I felt comfortable and brave around her and had fun with her.) When I think back to my younger years, I remember always feeling so frustrated because it felt like I was always being watched. If not by my helicopter mom, by the nosy children at school/in our neighborhood. By the boring adults (wherever I would be carted around to) with nothing better to do but stare impolitely at me as I uncomfortably shifted to holding my mother's other hand (they'll never find me on my mother's left side). I hated that they just got to stare at me. I wanted so badly to tell them all to fuck off, mind their own business and get a life.

Not much has changed.

I went from being a child ("Oh, look! A child! Let's all gawk at her and get unreasonably close to her and not respect her space because - let's face it - she's a child") to being a woman ("Oh, look! A woman! Let's all drool over her and get unreasonably close to e her and not respect her at all because - let's face it - she's a woman"). And every stage in between was just more grotesque feelings in a rush. People telling me how I've grown, noticing how I've developed. Asking me if I have a boyfriend. Fuck off. Is there no such thing as privacy?

I am certain I have no idea what it's like to grow up as a boy/young man/man. I will, however, say that not seeing myself as a female was probably my deep inner wish to no longer be gawked at. It was the only way I saw a way out. A way out of being gawked at / prodded at / invaded, in one way or another. I understand that if someone looks at you, it might just be them considering your outfit/hair/makeup, and not always in a positive way. And then there's always the thing where someone absent-mindedly has rested their physical eyeballs upon you (I call this "the morning stares"). But I also realize that, for the most part, it can be chalked up to nosy / hungry strangers.

Who Hired this Crew?

We have all likely felt that - at one point or another - we have gotten nudged into doing more work than what we were getting paid for. Sometimes we say "oh, heck, what's one more thing? We're all a team, right?" and sometimes we say "nice try, but that's not my job." As individuals, we may lean one way more often than the other. It may have something to do with our upbringing, our shortcomings and insecurities, our ages, etc... For example, I was much more willing to help when I had only begun my work-life. I was a young pup, not yet brow-beaten into epiphany. I knew not of the majority's intentions; of the human condition; of just how astounding one's ability to take advantage of another's was. Laziness and entitlement. It'll get you every time.

It is one thing to deal with these instances when you are getting paid (because at least, in those moments, you are getting paid), it is another animal entirely to deal with such high expectations in your every day life. (For free!) For starters, the outside world is much less of a controlled area, and as such, you might feel as though there are no spaces that are safe from expectation. Nowhere you can relax. Nowhere to run to, baby; nowhere to hide. And if you have no place to relax, you may as well just hop into the nearest loony bin, as this would be no way to live. It's akin to feeling frustrated at school when you are a child as opposed to feeling frustrated/downtrodden at home. What an ugly, awfully stressful existence. 

You MUST have a place/time that you can count on (without falter!) in which you can truly
R   E   L   A   X   .   .   .

Which, incidentally, is reason number six-hundred-and-forty-two on why I refuse to have children. 

At any rate, I bring all of this up because lately (and by "lately" I mean "within the last five to seven years") ... (funny; when I was younger, "lately" meant "at a maximum of five minutes ago") I have been truly pondering on the prospect of being held responsible. More specifically about how people will hold me responsible to certain things they shouldn't. Don't count on me to remind you to pay your bills - you're my neighbor. You are not my responsibility. If anything, I should take on this responsibility only to intentionally "forget" it so that you are, eventually, someone else's neighbor. On such occasion, I find myself uttering the phrase "...when did it become my job??".

For example: when did it become my job to be the only polite person within a thousand-mile radius? I feel as though others (as a mass) have come to expect certain things of me. Amongst such expectations is that I perpetually remain in a "good mood"/have a "positive attitude". How unreasonable for a human. Or to always be helpful. Patient. Kind, even to strangers. And at a certain point (and I am certain I could write a decently sized blog about this alone), you much decide if you should continue to be polite/patient/kind to strangers, or be polite/patient/kind to yourself. To stand up strong on your own behalf. And no one can draw that line but you. Which is precisely why it makes close to no sense why "everyone else" are the ones with the aforementioned expectations. What do they know about you? And even so, who are they to draw lines on your behalf? Positively useless. Albeit ironic and humorous. 

These high standards are fine to have for yourself, I feel, and even healthy to set personal goals with ("I am going to focus on being patient today"). And, yes, we must hold the people closest to us accountable or decide that they are no good to be around (i.e. toxic people). However, once you hold someone else more accountable/to higher standards than yourself? It becomes a bit dicey. 

Do not expect anything from me that you would not expect from yourself, for starters. And after that, consider the fact that we may be different people with different strengths (and, as such, different weaknesses). Then, on the one day that I say "yeah, I can do that for ya", maybe just take that as face-value and understand that I probably only mean "yeah, I can do that for ya today/now/this one time". Or when I say "let me know if you need anything", I do not necessarily mean "Tell me absolutely every time there is a task you feel should be accomplished, but are too lazy to do so yourself, and I will jump at the opportunity. Without hesitation, question or argument". While you're at it, perhaps you should stop assuming that: simply because I am not bitching throughout the entire duration of a task, that does not necessarily mean that I am enjoying myself and/or that I cannot contain my excitement until I "get to do it again" for you.