I suppose I could have just edited the following into my original blog entry concerning the gender topic, but if I just make a brand new entry, I won't have to be distracted by the headache that comes with editing an old piece to reflect new feelings.
As I mentioned in the entry prior to this one; I never really markedly saw myself as a female, I just was. I just am. I was more (and am more) focused on the fashion side of things on the daily: today I want to wear these clothes that happen to reflect a more masculine theme. Today I would like to wear classically feminine items of clothing. Etc...
I'm not sure I delved completely into this, but I feel as though a lot of this genderless supposition stemmed from the desire to remain invisible to the people at large. Especially certain people. Like I had mentioned before; I only really wanted to be around/spend time with/be seen and noticed by my mother, father and sister. (Mainly my sister. I felt comfortable and brave around her and had fun with her.) When I think back to my younger years, I remember always feeling so frustrated because it felt like I was always being watched. If not by my helicopter mom, by the nosy children at school/in our neighborhood. By the boring adults (wherever I would be carted around to) with nothing better to do but stare impolitely at me as I uncomfortably shifted to holding my mother's other hand (they'll never find me on my mother's left side). I hated that they just got to stare at me. I wanted so badly to tell them all to fuck off, mind their own business and get a life.
Not much has changed.
I went from being a child ("Oh, look! A child! Let's all gawk at her and get unreasonably close to her and not respect her space because - let's face it - she's a child") to being a woman ("Oh, look! A woman! Let's all drool over her and get unreasonably close to e her and not respect her at all because - let's face it - she's a woman"). And every stage in between was just more grotesque feelings in a rush. People telling me how I've grown, noticing how I've developed. Asking me if I have a boyfriend. Fuck off. Is there no such thing as privacy?
I am certain I have no idea what it's like to grow up as a boy/young man/man. I will, however, say that not seeing myself as a female was probably my deep inner wish to no longer be gawked at. It was the only way I saw a way out. A way out of being gawked at / prodded at / invaded, in one way or another. I understand that if someone looks at you, it might just be them considering your outfit/hair/makeup, and not always in a positive way. And then there's always the thing where someone absent-mindedly has rested their physical eyeballs upon you (I call this "the morning stares"). But I also realize that, for the most part, it can be chalked up to nosy / hungry strangers.
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