The Past

I've been thinking about the past a lot.

I wonder if that means that I am successfully growing away from it. Of course it could just as easily be that things are quieter now and so my head is filling the new found space with something - anything - else. Like it doesn't have enough input / there is no new information to put in its place, so my mind is simply using what resources it already has (make do and mend!). Like when you're waiting for your online order to come in with that new kitchen table and in the meantime you've filled the space with an empty banana box you found lying around the garage. 'This'll do.'

Another option is that E shared this 30-day-music prompt with me and it's gotten my gears turning in the reminiscent fashion.

Scent is allegedly the strongest sense tied to memory. I reckon Music is somehow its counterpart. Walking alongside Scent in the neighborhood of powerful triggers.

There is a considerable chunk of my past that was not great, in my opinion. Perhaps not obviously nightmarish, but certainly something I'd rather leave behind me, as a whole. There are reasons I have actively made changes and only try to continue to grow. There are reasons why I do not fear getting old and why I am one of the few that I legitimately believe will be one of the last men standing when it comes to actually celebrating my age with each passing birthday. ("What do you want for your birthday?" "It doesn't matter - I'VE GROWN!")

I know my past has been useful and so I do not mourn the lost years, or what-have-you. (I don't even believe in a meaning of life. How silly would that be??) I do, however, often times find that I am in the minority when someone recounts their "good old days" of yesteryear. When they were younger and things were simpler. I feel as though I have touched upon this in a prior blog, and so will not swim to deeply in its ocean. It simply seemed to fit and seemed worth mentioning.

However, I must admit I am often times left wondering:

With the powers combined of human memory capabilities, defense-mechanisms, nostalgia and that thing we do where we allow our emotions to "remember" what happened instead of what actually did (i.e. "you were being mean!" when "you" wasn't being "mean", "you" just ended up saying something nondescript that brought up some insecurities you have and you ended up projecting all over poor "you". And "you" was just trying to have a nice day at the beach. "You" was on vacation!!) ...I wonder how much of our rosy-colored days of yesteryear truly were sweeter?

I mean if there's no harm in remembering something fondly then - by all means, my friend - do so! The world could use more love. More positivity. Even if it is involuntarily manufactured. I just think it begs a second look when this faux-fond remembrance initiates a kind of harm. To you, perhaps (and those around you), by pondering and romanticizing so much on the past that you fully take your present for granted. To others, perhaps, by not recollecting their pain properly. And then proceeding to approach them as if this shared memory were to be celebrated ("I really had a great time at that festival! We should do that again!!" "Are... you kidding? You downed a bunch of drugs, ran off, leaving me completely alone and scared and then I spent the rest of the night crying and nursing you back to health, so...").

...Just some levity.
That never happened.
...To me.

Seems like it could happen to someone, though, eh?

Which also makes me wonder how much of a shared memory truly is shared. Quite possible you're both recalling it inaccurately. Think about that! (Actually don't. It'll drive you mad.) ...(Also there's no way of ever telling what actually happened, so I hardly think it would be worth your time, anyway.)

And so, the moral of this blog is:
My brain is bored and hungry (and I am finding it increasingly challenging to spend time doing "responsible" things while there are so many words to be read and written) and... use nostalgia with caution.