Living on My Own

 Is the secret to surviving panic simply living on one's own?

I have never felt so incredibly calm / at peace / confident about impending winter. We will see how it goes in real-time, but honestly it's just nice feeling this way. On my own, I am not always peaceful, but I certainly extend the amount I am able to be at peace. It's insane how much easier things are when I am living on my own. Aside from those two years I lived with Bff, I truly don't know why I ever did it. Living with others, I mean. Oh, yes; the whole financial thing / insecure / afraid to live on my own thing. Well, anyway.

With the way things have been going in this world, I am starting to feel as though living on one's own may simply soon be a thing of the past. Not everyone will be able to do so. And so: I am even more thankful for the opportunity. Not everyone has an E to be bffs with / live with in perfect harmony. Perhaps I needed to come down here to blaze the trail and to give E and I both the opportunity to peacefully live on our own. To truly know what it is like. Not because your roommate fucked you over and left. Not because you got kicked out of the place you actually wanted to stay in. Nothing violent. Just our decisions that we made. Perhaps we will live together again at some point in the future and perhaps we will not. But I will say this: I could not be more pleased to know that neither of us will feel we missed out / feel resentment / be left wondering what "it would've been like". (Perhaps, still: not everything has meaning. But perhaps.)

Thinking back: there were quite a few years where I was convinced I would never live on my own. Then I didn't want to, for a slew of reasons. Whether it be due to fear or romance. Or, rather, my personal rushing of the social construct of "settling down". (I figured: I had the hard work / job thing down... what more did one NEED for a successful, adult relationship??) And although I may not be in "NYC", I am still in NY. In a high-up apartment, living very much on my own. Writing. Which is exactly what I fantasized about, back in the day. 

*Was pulled away from this - don't think I was done, but it's a bit late now. Going to leave it as is / maybe come back to it at another time and edit*