October 2023 (a dramatic reading)

Late September, I wrote a private blog for myself stating that I didn't want this year to be over / I wasn't ready for it to end. This year has been another doozy (I think that's just how they're going to go from now on). But it had also been Great. I looked back on my year-at-a-glance tarot pull from 2023 and smiled as I recounted all of the good that has happened / that I have been able to accomplish / create / experience. 

Before even realizing that this was the second of a new month (I typically have Sat / Sun / Mondays off from work, so I get a bit out-of-sorts), it hit me: I was ready. I am ready. Because although I may not be ready to "let this one go", I am certainly ready - no, anxious - to see what lies ahead. I have had time to comfort myself and get comfortable with my "new self". I want great things for her. I miss her and have a great hunger to get better acquainted with her. 

I want her to work hard at the things she wants to and support her when she needs time to simply consume and get inspired. I want to help her find time to write and read and learn and grow. 

Surely I will look back at this entry with disdainful, wet eyes if tragedy is to strike in 2024, but if it was going to happen, it was going to happen. I know that I do not wish horrors on anyone, including myself. And I have gotten to a point with my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder where I can admit that being excited / hoping for one thing does not have any affect on what other / typically awful things happen within the interim. 

I have had much synchronicity as of late (especially within the last 30 days) and I think I have come to terms with the fact that: as long as I do my best and have my best intentions, I will (even very eventually) be lead to where I need to be. There will be an imperative thought that I would have done well to focus on... that will - at first - be all too fleeting. And later, as I casually play the latest podcast or video while cooking dinner, my mind will hear a familiar piece of that thought and be able to call it out / focus / re-focus onto it and allow me some grace. It will allow me another opportunity to sit with the imperative idea / ponder on it. Like "red car syndrome", but in a lovely way. Like "OCD guilt/superstition syndrome", but it's actually helpful and real. I think our minds have a way of attracting what we need. In the same way they say our feet will point in the direction of where we would like to go. Like how it feels when you are young and you swear you woke up right before the loud clanging of pots and pans downstairs. You didn't. Your mind is simply incredible and very much at work when you are not. It assigned the sound to the pots and pans by the time you woke up. 

That was rambly and filled with similes, but I think I will quite enjoy coming back to this one and reading it in a couple of months/years. 

Perhaps old me would not be ready for this year to end and that would be fine. I am quite done talking shit about her - I love her very much and am very proud of her. The "new me" is incredible and ready to face new things. Here we go into the unknown.