Funny

I may have been reading books / listening to audiobooks and playing podcasts about wellness and self-improvement lately, but there's still that snarky younger version of myself inside of me. She's only just gotten the wheel (see previous blog posts). I'm gonna let her be petty about some shit that doesn't matter in the grand scheme. Nobody's perfect.

This may or may not be quick, jolting and/or disjointed
Just a random thought that I've had on and off throughout the eternity of meeting people. 

These people.
These people who are convinced they are the "funny friend". 
There are many breeds of these people. But the type I would like to type about today is as follows:

(Their inner monologue, probably:) I watched many movies and shows in the 80s / 90s / 00s and memorized what line was said right before the studio audience laughed and now I say those lines all the time through almost random intervals - and certainly when I feel as though others are not paying enough attention to me - and wait for the sound of the studio audience. If I memorize what the clever character said when all the other characters realized how clever they were, I will obviously then be just as clever. I am also armed with an arsenal of lines from well-known media that I can say to the other person/people around me and sometimes they will laugh. And I will allow myself not to realize that this second tactic is not actually the result of humor, but of nostalgia. As well as, maybe, the other person/people congratulating themselves that they remembered a quote from somewhere. Regardless of which approach I take to "humor", I am absolutely hilarious and therefore very fun to be around and also I will continue to spam the living shit out of the tiny rolodex of quotes that I have accumulated until I die. Ooh, maybe I'll pick up a few new ones from a facebook post/video!

If this doesn't make sense to you: congratulations! You probably haven't been driven mad by these (probably) completely harmless people. You have likely risen above the tediousness that is being irritated by them. I haven't. I don't know that I ever will. We're not there yet. 

Either that or you are this person. No further comment. Okay, maybe: READ A BOOK AND FIND YOUR DNA.

For those of us who are also stupidly petty about this: this type of person's origin is just a centimeter away from one that I have roots in. I was younger: watched the media / intook the quotes / did impressions of Ace Ventura... the whole nine! But at some point, my frontal lobe developed and I realized a few things. There are, for example, ways to apply some quotes in a way that is fewer/farther between and actually clever/appropriate. One where yes, you are relying on someone else's line, but you are repurposing it in a way that is inherently your own. Additionally: there are certainly people (one person in particular / my bff) who I quote nostalgic shit with/at all the time. We both enjoy, we both laugh and kick our little feet and then we return to our own personalities and proceed with the conversation. 

There are funny people in my life. These funny people are funniest when they are not quoting something. When they are being authentically themselves, or even throwing in theatrics, but in a way that is very them. 

I know. I need to get a life. But as an incredibly gifted, hilarious and authentic person myself: it just really gets to me. (Somebody out there just said "AND HUMBLE, TOO HAHAH" and completely ruined my joke. Because they are idiots and do not understand nuance/subtlety/jokes. So they struggle their short little leggies in the pool of humor to try their best to capitalize on this totally serious thing I just said.
These people are the worst.
And must die.)

"And That's My Person" - Katya

Is it healthy to depend on one person for everything? Should this one little person be "All"?

One annoying ex would say "what is 'should'?"
And he has a point. On this and not much else. 

I just mean: is it realistic. I mean: is this the standard we've set for ourselves. Is anyone actually doing this? Successfully??

I think it's a crazy amount of pressure to put on anyone (for them to be "all"). These people who have similar expectations for their parents, for example, always end up drowning in their own misery. Blaming their parents for this and that. It's all their fault. Everything that I don't like about me / every Jungian shadow of mine exists solely because of them. These people, meanwhile, are never taking responsibility for their own actions / what they've done with what they were given (there are obviously exceptions to this / I've heard the horror stories / I've read them / I've written them / this entry is not about these exceptions / this entry will not be "all"). Yes, your parents have likely caused some damage. But you, at some point, were handed agency, presumably. Or at least the option to legally obtain it.  

There are so many friends we make throughout life: some that we make excuses for or roll our eyes at lovingly and say "oh, that's our Kelly!". We have extended family who do not share the same views as us (on how to be polite, for instance. On politics, for another). When do we roll our eyes and when do we "pick our battles"? When is it "our job" to enlighten others on the difference of our opinion(s)? At what point do you throw your hands up? And what then: do you walk away forever and never see that person again? Or do you try to have a relationship with that person - just, maybe, a little more shallowly than you would typically have with a loved one?

If you do attempt these shallower-relationship boundaries with this friend / family, is it boundaries, or is it dishonest/disingenuous? I know I, for one, have attempted having shallower relationships with these certain people and I simply am not able. (Perhaps years of therapy and tool-creating/accessing will help, but until then...) It would necessitate becoming another me while I am around them. Which would necessitate creating one. And also: shedding this other self temporarily while I live my "authentic" life elsewhere / until the next time I cross paths with this person I am supposed to be shallow with/around. And in case it needs to be said: I am certainly not interested in putting in the work of creating / becoming / un-becoming this other self if in the end: that's not even a healthy way to deal with the original issue/interact with the person.

 I've gotten a bit off track.

"Back to the beginning is the rule".
So if you have a significant other: does the rule still apply? Is this one person supposed to be "all"? If not: how much is acceptable/healthy to skim over/"forgive" (for lack of a better word) and when does this "forgiveness" bleed into "making excuses for"? Obviously we are typically a little more forgiving of our friends since we do not have to live with them for the rest of our lives / we do not expected to have any sort of union with them / very typically these friends will not "have access" to our bodies in the way a significant other is likely to have. That I understand. But what are the marks? Where are the boundaries? We are now being told to not accept less than we deserve, but what does that mean? Obviously I have stated in plenty of entries across blogosphere that I would rather be alone than with someone who subtracts value from my life/doesn't add any to it. Duh. I love hanging out with me. (Omg what is this: my peace? I love it!!) But what is the line? For spouses, friends, family? And when "should" we step in and tell them / try to expand their minds and views vs. just learning to let go and pick our battles? 

Dixon Ti-Ponder-oga

*READS ONE PSYCH BOOK*
**I have been reading / watching / listening to books & content in the social sciences field. I have also been - perhaps because of this - watching my younger self take the helm and finally get to do whatever she wants (with the only adult being me / I'm certainly not going to yell at her). In doing so: I've been giving myself a lot more opportunity to "catch myself thinking", to paraphrase the Bahamas. I've finally been pondering again. In a big enough way to fuel at least a couple of blogs. I have missed this feeling. Reflection. Heavy considering. Processing. I feel most fortunate today. This is one of my absolute favorite activities in the world - a gift, to be certain.**

Regarding growth / self-betterment: must I actively/always think about the people I have had to "get through", the people who treat/ed me in a way I do not accept? Or is moving on enough? Can moving on include not thinking about them until someone else brings them up, or is that a kind of avoidance or burial? I would rather have space than obsess over something. 

Once I'm done with something, I tend to really be done with it (obviously there are exceptions). But I know I have been this way since fairly young, so I wonder (now in my thirties) if this has ever been an acceptable way to go about this. 

The (2) female role models in my family had a pattern of:
1. explosion / yelling / fighting in some capacity
2. absence
3. reappearance, while certainly never discussing that thing that just happened / never apologizing and simply pretending nothing had changed. (Which seems Avoidant.)

The (1) male role model pretended everything was honky dory because he needed everyone's approval / to seem like a really sweet lovable guy. (Which seems Passive.)

We all have our issues. 

What I'm trying to say is: I do not wish to be one of these people. I do not wish to match. I would rather not run away from my problems. I would rather confront them head on and have a discussion / if need be: a fight (humans have emotions and those of us pretending not to are only hurting ourselves & others). Address whatever it is that is currently bothering - preferably without bringing up all of this score-keeping bologna / shit from the past (something else my two women role models had in common/that drove me bananas). Either:
    a.) come to a solution / action plan of sorts
    b.) not find a solution but at least express yourselves / get "it" off of chest(s).

I only hope I'm doing the right things. And I don't want to ask "just someone", because I really want to feel confident in the answer. I guess there comes a time where: as long as you can live with yourself / be happy with what you do, you're good. But I want to be better than my last self / I want to improve. And I think I could do so in the avenue if I only knew that I was in the right direction. 

Looks like I need guidance.
Either religion or therapy. 
And I like my lazy Sunday mornings. 
So I guess I had better get some health insurance.