Tethering System

We all need one.

...Okay, maybe only some of us need one, but I am undeniably one of the aforementioned some.

I LOVE getting older because you end up learning so much as you go. With every passing day, week, year I am confronted with more and more of myself and that is irrefutably worth every additional ache and pain my physical body faces along with it.

"Sure, my back hurts, but I now know that I value time over money!"

Terrific, no?

The thought that I was most recently analyzing was how I use music as a sort of tethering system. I have not always known how to do this, or even that it was valuable; I learned it. I learned it the same way I learned that the cleaner I kept my apartment/room/refrigerator and cabinets and the more controlled I kept my environment, the more content I was (I do this in hopes of starting my "patience-spent-meter" at 0 every morning, so as to have more to afford throughout the day).

As I have admitted, I have suffered from a sensory disorder (do they ever just go away without therapy?) in my childhood and may fall somewhere on "the spectrum". And in the same ways some on said spectrum are uncomfortable with loud noises, certain pitches and abrupt interruptions, I find that I can get anxious without music playing. I could be speaking to someone I truly love and respect and wanting to be around them for the rest of the day/night, and if I don't have music playing, I will have a straining feeling. A quiet but constant feeling of the "other me" tugging at my sweater, impatiently indicating that I am to flee. Naturally, this will result in the original me getting very frustrated and anxious (and sometimes even guilty, thanks OCD) and is sure to at least put a damper on what could have been a very enjoyable social endeavor.

Much like I have learned to bring multiple forms of entertainment with me whenever I leave the house (I arrive early most places because I hate being late, so I will come with my arsenal of books, notepads, sudoku & pencil with eraser, laptop, phone & charger cords), I have also, thankfully, learned that as long as I play a little music of my choosing and at the right level of volume, I can basically be comfortable anywhere. I can tether myself back to Earth and reality and the present company I am fortunate enough to have.

That seems awfully specific, now that I write it out, but believe me when I say that it is very much "small potatoes" when it comes to keeping myself content in such an oddly stressful scenario. I care about the people I like to talk to - being able to be around them comfortably has afforded me so much more opportunity with them.

I will say that in finding all of the aforementioned a necessity has driven me to a conclusion: I imagine I am no picnic to be with. At least not for elongated periods of time, and certainly not romantically. Who wants to listen to the same 5 songs over and over? Especially when they are exclusively of my liking? My friends will forgive me and call me crazy for even saying this, but that is because they can leave. Much like you adore your nieces and nephews, but fight back vomit when faced with the chance to create your own offspring. My friends and loved ones will babysit and cherish me, as I cherish them. My roommates will eventually find my ticks out and learn when to avoid me. My boyfriend - should I ever have one again - will be trapped in misery and confusion until he leaves.

Just another reason to keep things simple. I believe I might be moving closer and closer to the forever-single life, and I feel as though it may be the healthiest direction my life could take. For my strength. My happiness. My peace. For the sanity of myself and others.