...every time I start to talk about certain topics, the person/people I am speaking with stop listening and start over-sympathizing to the point of not being sincere?
It seems I cannot breach the subject of death, suicide, trauma and just recently I found the same is true about topic of: ending up alone. And so, I once again find myself at the keyboard.
Ending up alone is not ending up lonely - let's just get that one out of the way. While we're at it; all romance is not based on the fear of being alone, just as it isn't all based on actual, active love and just really enjoying that person's company. There is a percentage in each category. Also worth mentioning: I do not currently find myself embittered and/or touche'd by past romances and friendships, and let it be known that I am not moping or lying when I say:
I think I am going to end up alone.
And I am okay with that.
There is nothing to cover up. Some people are just okay and even perfectly content on their own. It's nice to be around people sometimes - that's why you have your friends, family, co-workers, those people who always start conversations with you in the grocery store and library etc... Just craving company is not necessarily craving companionship. Furthermore, craving companionship does not necessarily point to romance. You don't have to be married/coupled/in a romantic relationship in order to exercise that part of your brain/emotions. I think romantic relationships can be nice. But I have come to terms with the fact that I think this in the same fashion as I think chocolate cake is nice. I don't always want it. If it's offered to me, I will likely partake. And even if I go down the sugary spiral of craving it all the time, that doesn't mean that I should continue to have it. It might even have real milk in it - and I'm lactose-intolerant.
Trouble for all, trust me.
Enough of all that, though. What I really think it boils down to is: when am I most content? The answer is: when I am single. It is when I am most relaxed, peaceful, focused, motivated, strong and all around at my healthiest. Things are simplified. I no longer have to remember anniversaries. Or give all of my time to someone. Deal with unusual expectations. Fuss over who's buying what. Fight over "where this is headed". Fret about the fact that I am spending time with male friends. I no longer have to over-analyze my actions from the past 3 months to sift through them all and find which one has made my partner sad/mad/frustrated. I am sick of "fixing" partners because I never get to get fixed. I am sick of belonging to them because I end up no longer being my own. Bottom line? The paycheck just doesn't justify the job.
In fact, after trying to get that across to someone (a friend), I am likely to be told "oh, you just haven't found the right one, yet." That is possible (in the way that most things are), however what is more likely is that the majority of people who used to get married did it out of fear of being alone, accidental pregnancy, guilt, money/status, or - my personal favorite - lowering their standards. Ergo, perhaps the only way I will get into another long-term relationship is if I lower mine. I have heard of so many comedians make jokes about how they were in their twenties and no one was good enough for them. Then they got older and they'll "take what they can get". I understand that this is a punchline. I also understand that it sprang from truth. Banking on someone lowering their standards in order for them to settle for you is not exactly how I want to spend my time. And certainly not who I want to spend my time with.
Not everyone lowers their standards to get married. Here is the missing fact I have yet to throw your way this entry: there are a lot of things that I have to do in a particular fashion, so as to not create an upset. (Think Sensory Disorders meet Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.) So without even getting to the bottom of whether or not someone could handle that without fleeing for the hills, let me just share the fact that I might not want to deal with that. And in fact; I don't. There are already too many cooks in the kitchen, and as it stands there is only one cook (me).
It may not sound it, but I am open to possibilities. I just hate telling anyone that because whoever hears that just tends to erase everything that I have just taken the time to type out, thinking they will be the exception. Which is arrogant and selfish and, actually, disrespectful to me (I have already covered this). Not to mention, even if you were the exception, I would still have to find you desirable on additional levels in order to actually want to date you! SO many clauses and screenings to get through - it just really seems silly/unrealistic. And so far I haven't had a relationship that was better for me than being without one.
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