Funny

I may have been reading books / listening to audiobooks and playing podcasts about wellness and self-improvement lately, but there's still that snarky younger version of myself inside of me. She's only just gotten the wheel (see previous blog posts). I'm gonna let her be petty about some shit that doesn't matter in the grand scheme. Nobody's perfect.

This may or may not be quick, jolting and/or disjointed
Just a random thought that I've had on and off throughout the eternity of meeting people. 

These people.
These people who are convinced they are the "funny friend". 
There are many breeds of these people. But the type I would like to type about today is as follows:

(Their inner monologue, probably:) I watched many movies and shows in the 80s / 90s / 00s and memorized what line was said right before the studio audience laughed and now I say those lines all the time through almost random intervals - and certainly when I feel as though others are not paying enough attention to me - and wait for the sound of the studio audience. If I memorize what the clever character said when all the other characters realized how clever they were, I will obviously then be just as clever. I am also armed with an arsenal of lines from well-known media that I can say to the other person/people around me and sometimes they will laugh. And I will allow myself not to realize that this second tactic is not actually the result of humor, but of nostalgia. As well as, maybe, the other person/people congratulating themselves that they remembered a quote from somewhere. Regardless of which approach I take to "humor", I am absolutely hilarious and therefore very fun to be around and also I will continue to spam the living shit out of the tiny rolodex of quotes that I have accumulated until I die. Ooh, maybe I'll pick up a few new ones from a facebook post/video!

If this doesn't make sense to you: congratulations! You probably haven't been driven mad by these (probably) completely harmless people. You have likely risen above the tediousness that is being irritated by them. I haven't. I don't know that I ever will. We're not there yet. 

Either that or you are this person. No further comment. Okay, maybe: READ A BOOK AND FIND YOUR DNA.

For those of us who are also stupidly petty about this: this type of person's origin is just a centimeter away from one that I have roots in. I was younger: watched the media / intook the quotes / did impressions of Ace Ventura... the whole nine! But at some point, my frontal lobe developed and I realized a few things. There are, for example, ways to apply some quotes in a way that is fewer/farther between and actually clever/appropriate. One where yes, you are relying on someone else's line, but you are repurposing it in a way that is inherently your own. Additionally: there are certainly people (one person in particular / my bff) who I quote nostalgic shit with/at all the time. We both enjoy, we both laugh and kick our little feet and then we return to our own personalities and proceed with the conversation. 

There are funny people in my life. These funny people are funniest when they are not quoting something. When they are being authentically themselves, or even throwing in theatrics, but in a way that is very them. 

I know. I need to get a life. But as an incredibly gifted, hilarious and authentic person myself: it just really gets to me. (Somebody out there just said "AND HUMBLE, TOO HAHAH" and completely ruined my joke. Because they are idiots and do not understand nuance/subtlety/jokes. So they struggle their short little leggies in the pool of humor to try their best to capitalize on this totally serious thing I just said.
These people are the worst.
And must die.)

"And That's My Person" - Katya

Is it healthy to depend on one person for everything? Should this one little person be "All"?

One annoying ex would say "what is 'should'?"
And he has a point. On this and not much else. 

I just mean: is it realistic. I mean: is this the standard we've set for ourselves. Is anyone actually doing this? Successfully??

I think it's a crazy amount of pressure to put on anyone (for them to be "all"). These people who have similar expectations for their parents, for example, always end up drowning in their own misery. Blaming their parents for this and that. It's all their fault. Everything that I don't like about me / every Jungian shadow of mine exists solely because of them. These people, meanwhile, are never taking responsibility for their own actions / what they've done with what they were given (there are obviously exceptions to this / I've heard the horror stories / I've read them / I've written them / this entry is not about these exceptions / this entry will not be "all"). Yes, your parents have likely caused some damage. But you, at some point, were handed agency, presumably. Or at least the option to legally obtain it.  

There are so many friends we make throughout life: some that we make excuses for or roll our eyes at lovingly and say "oh, that's our Kelly!". We have extended family who do not share the same views as us (on how to be polite, for instance. On politics, for another). When do we roll our eyes and when do we "pick our battles"? When is it "our job" to enlighten others on the difference of our opinion(s)? At what point do you throw your hands up? And what then: do you walk away forever and never see that person again? Or do you try to have a relationship with that person - just, maybe, a little more shallowly than you would typically have with a loved one?

If you do attempt these shallower-relationship boundaries with this friend / family, is it boundaries, or is it dishonest/disingenuous? I know I, for one, have attempted having shallower relationships with these certain people and I simply am not able. (Perhaps years of therapy and tool-creating/accessing will help, but until then...) It would necessitate becoming another me while I am around them. Which would necessitate creating one. And also: shedding this other self temporarily while I live my "authentic" life elsewhere / until the next time I cross paths with this person I am supposed to be shallow with/around. And in case it needs to be said: I am certainly not interested in putting in the work of creating / becoming / un-becoming this other self if in the end: that's not even a healthy way to deal with the original issue/interact with the person.

 I've gotten a bit off track.

"Back to the beginning is the rule".
So if you have a significant other: does the rule still apply? Is this one person supposed to be "all"? If not: how much is acceptable/healthy to skim over/"forgive" (for lack of a better word) and when does this "forgiveness" bleed into "making excuses for"? Obviously we are typically a little more forgiving of our friends since we do not have to live with them for the rest of our lives / we do not expected to have any sort of union with them / very typically these friends will not "have access" to our bodies in the way a significant other is likely to have. That I understand. But what are the marks? Where are the boundaries? We are now being told to not accept less than we deserve, but what does that mean? Obviously I have stated in plenty of entries across blogosphere that I would rather be alone than with someone who subtracts value from my life/doesn't add any to it. Duh. I love hanging out with me. (Omg what is this: my peace? I love it!!) But what is the line? For spouses, friends, family? And when "should" we step in and tell them / try to expand their minds and views vs. just learning to let go and pick our battles? 

Dixon Ti-Ponder-oga

*READS ONE PSYCH BOOK*
**I have been reading / watching / listening to books & content in the social sciences field. I have also been - perhaps because of this - watching my younger self take the helm and finally get to do whatever she wants (with the only adult being me / I'm certainly not going to yell at her). In doing so: I've been giving myself a lot more opportunity to "catch myself thinking", to paraphrase the Bahamas. I've finally been pondering again. In a big enough way to fuel at least a couple of blogs. I have missed this feeling. Reflection. Heavy considering. Processing. I feel most fortunate today. This is one of my absolute favorite activities in the world - a gift, to be certain.**

Regarding growth / self-betterment: must I actively/always think about the people I have had to "get through", the people who treat/ed me in a way I do not accept? Or is moving on enough? Can moving on include not thinking about them until someone else brings them up, or is that a kind of avoidance or burial? I would rather have space than obsess over something. 

Once I'm done with something, I tend to really be done with it (obviously there are exceptions). But I know I have been this way since fairly young, so I wonder (now in my thirties) if this has ever been an acceptable way to go about this. 

The (2) female role models in my family had a pattern of:
1. explosion / yelling / fighting in some capacity
2. absence
3. reappearance, while certainly never discussing that thing that just happened / never apologizing and simply pretending nothing had changed. (Which seems Avoidant.)

The (1) male role model pretended everything was honky dory because he needed everyone's approval / to seem like a really sweet lovable guy. (Which seems Passive.)

We all have our issues. 

What I'm trying to say is: I do not wish to be one of these people. I do not wish to match. I would rather not run away from my problems. I would rather confront them head on and have a discussion / if need be: a fight (humans have emotions and those of us pretending not to are only hurting ourselves & others). Address whatever it is that is currently bothering - preferably without bringing up all of this score-keeping bologna / shit from the past (something else my two women role models had in common/that drove me bananas). Either:
    a.) come to a solution / action plan of sorts
    b.) not find a solution but at least express yourselves / get "it" off of chest(s).

I only hope I'm doing the right things. And I don't want to ask "just someone", because I really want to feel confident in the answer. I guess there comes a time where: as long as you can live with yourself / be happy with what you do, you're good. But I want to be better than my last self / I want to improve. And I think I could do so in the avenue if I only knew that I was in the right direction. 

Looks like I need guidance.
Either religion or therapy. 
And I like my lazy Sunday mornings. 
So I guess I had better get some health insurance. 

Commentary on a video nobody cares about

 After watching the video by Soft White Underbelly "Three Generations of Trauma- Lynanda, Nikki and Trinity" (which covers the edited life stories of a grandmother, mother and daughter), I have some thoughts. 

Grandmother Lynanda told a story in which she was the victim and she pushed through and now is all about love. Love, love, love. It's all there is. It's all you need, it's the theme of her life and the only thing that kept her going, etc... She was treated like shit/taken advantage of and abused in her very early years on this earth and - turns out - fulfilled the prophecy of continuing the generational trauma. Perhaps not by doing the abuse/treating like shit (of her child/children) directly, but by looking the other way while other parties (that she had welcomed in her/her children's life/ves) did the horrific acts. By letting it happen. 

She tries to cover her lack of courage with this story line about how "we're not so different, you and I" / how she's all about forgiveness of the people who do horrible things. Because I guess she's the Dalai fucking Lama. No cowardice here. Reason for everything. Just don't close your heart, ya know?

This prophecy fulfilling certainly was not addressed in Lynanda's story - only what happened to her. It wasn't necessarily made clear to me until the second woman (Nikki) explained her life in a nutshell. Pretty early on mentioned how she (Nikki) was abused by two men (who L let in to their lives), many separate occasions. When N was explaining all of this, all L did was get rigid and squirmy and silently nodded her head. It took the host of this strange operation to cut in and say something to the effect of "and L, how did you feel about this? Did you not know this was going on?" to which L explains how when she "found out" (whatever that means) about the first guy, she took N to the doctor's office to confirm that it was happening - essentially to prove that N wasn't lying - and followed up by going to the police. L alleges that the police expressed that they "thought it would be a better thing to not press charges at her age. So we didn't do anything further."

L leaves the stage. The floor is, once again, N's. 

N then proceeds with her story, mentioning that she was always promiscuous/from even twelve years old, she can recall times men would tell her how sexy she was. How she would date older guys but "everyone in the world was older than me at that point". Then mentions how she started drinking and smoking pot in fifth grade. And if she's telling all of this in a linear fashion: Jesus Christ. (Bares mentioning that this is the first and only point L even bothers to feign ignorance/surprise by acting out a "whaaa?" kind of scowl toward N. This is in response to the fifth grade partying. Not the twelve year old dating or the who-knows-how-young abuse.)

What I would like to focus on, at this point: 

1. L mentions nothing of the second man's abuse (could this be because it was L's brother this time/a little too close for L's comfort? To have to admit that her own sibling had done this? To have to face exposing him and - in doing so - taint the way he sees her?)

2. L took her daughter to the police and allegedly the police discouraged L from reporting it. Which could happen. But then what? L just shrugged it off and said "yeah, I guess you're right. Welp, see ya! Thanks for all your help and insights!"

3. L says, in the video, the police "thought it would be a better thing to not press charges at her age." She says it in a way that seems as though she could have just shoe-horned that last bit about the alleged denial being "about her" (N) so that L could keep herself successfully hidden. From being exposed as an abuser apologist. Or just downright coward. "It wasn't about protecting me! OR that POS man! It was all for her! And also it was the police's idea, yeah, that's the ticket!"

4.  L feels as though she's covered her ass well enough for the meat of the story. And to stick the landing: "So we didn't do anything further," as she artfully decides to swish her face lovingly to her daughter. WE? You have GOT to be kidding me. Oh so you and your, what, 9 year old child had a conference and came to a decision? About this terrifying thing that you brought onto her? And surely you were anything but persuasive?

It's clear as day. Never questioned a person's character so quickly. And yet, the comments on the video: 

Others go on to say how incredible all three of them are and how strong. I know two things can be true at once, but this is not one of those times: strong? Incredible? Maybe in the way of "Wow, what a piece of work that lady is. Incredible." 

How is it that this can be clear as hell to me but not to the others? Is it just the audience videos like his tend to bring in? Or more specifically: the audience who tend to comment on videos like these?

I know this is a hyper-specific example, but this kind of thing happens all the time. Things are devastatingly clear to me while nobody around me has even an inkling. I know incredibly intelligent people. And I'm not lonely enough to be brilliant, so what IS it?

Some of it, naturally, can be chalked up to how we "believe what we want" in certain intervals. Whether it be to protect ourselves (from truth/trauma or guilt) or just to make things easier (a type of avoidance, perhaps). Not being able to / not allowing yourself to believe something, sure. But what about the astounding remaining mass which complete the percentage of un-knowers? This has bothered me since a terribly young age and I fear I am no closer to the answer. And I can't ask anyone about it because everyone I know doesn't pick up on these things I pick up on. 

Or is it secret option number two: There's absolutely nothing actually going on underneath the surface and my brain is in pieces. Ideas traveling down neural pathways that don't even exist. I would say it's time for therapy, but I don't want to end up in buckles. 

Proof of History

Why is it so heartbreaking to not have someone around who knows your history? Who - in one way or another - grew up with you? Who remembers you when?

I think it's sad in another way to only hold onto people because you have known them so long. Or because you are family. (I have no wish to do this. If people don't align with each other in important ways and are unwilling to change/grow, I think it's best sometimes to separate.)

I have no old ties. No blood family. Certainly no one from high school or earlier - I barely made it out of there alive. (It was really fun at times/a nice escape from home, but I obviously didn't make any lasting bonds / no one who earnestly tries to connect / who I currently see. Just a bunch of people with different lives.) Because of this lack of old ties: It feels like I suddenly didn't exist until my late twenties (when I met my best friend). Like everything that happened before has been erased. But why? I know it happened - I was there! It feels embarrassing to admit that I need witnesses to my past to prove that it happened. Not to mention: why does "what happened" matter so much? I think it's the strangest thing. I've always been so self-reliant and independent - Feels so strange to miss the mark here. 

I'm ever grateful for the beautiful people who surround me - these are the non-toxic acrylics that fill the canvas, that create the art. It's just so strange to say goodbye to your history. And 36 seems an odd age to do it. And this seems an odd way to do so. 

I don't know that anyone will understand the layer and complication to the scenario that led me to lose the last piece of my past, but I guess that happens. Some of these people still have their high school or college friends / their childhood neighbors / every last member of their family. Some of them could even visit their childhood bedroom - left untouched! So this feels very much like "just one more thing" I'll have to go through alone, in a way. But hey, maybe I'll start to forget the other stuff I went through solo since I will no longer have someone to remind me that it happened?

The whole thing just seems strange. But I'd rather have no old ties than have any who don't actually care about me. (I refuse to feel the kind of loneliness one can feel in the company of others.) And now I will have more time to spend with the precious peaches who do treat me well. But as a friend and I like to say: "Two things can be true at once". And this will also be difficult to navigate. 

May 2025 and I'm still writing in this goddamn blog.

Well lordy-loo.

It's been a minute. 

The good news: taxes were a fuck of a time, but I have accomplished them. received my five cents. Avoided prison. Thank you, government. *salutes* And as long as I don't move out of state again, this year should be way easier! I would like to say this is just a silly joke to make, but really: when have I not randomly picked up and moved? Fingers crossed!

I still work at the ol' law firm / loving it / kicking much ass / taking many names / my boss is bomb and my co-workers are bad the bone. I've still been dealing with some turmoil involving family, but at least I have been able to connect with the chosen fam and either bitch about it or remember nothing has to be that big. Or both. 

Came out of April ready to jump off a damn cliff (not really, but you get it) and came into May grounded, grateful, powerful and magnanimous. (April death wishes bring May hugs and kisses, amiright, fellas?)

In a bit of a waiting period with a few things, but it - for once - doesn't feel like being in limbo. It's just waiting. And knowing I can't do anything until the decision is made or maybe someone else pulls a trigger. And completely enjoying the in-between time where I finally don't have to be bloody active. I'll get the "call". Until then: going about my own day and enjoying myself. 

++++++

I didn't get to have my silly little birthday this year. And not in a "it's 2020 and nobody's having their birthday, girl, get over yourself". More in a "man, I don't ask for much and things have been nuts and the one thing I was hanging onto pretty tightly was this stupid excuse to do something really nice / the one of two holidays (I know that's not technically one, but what tf is it?) that I actually care about and look forward to has been snatched from me and not because of something I did / some bad decision I've made"... kind of way. 

But I'm also not a toddler, so I guess I should get over it. I will. Not yet. 
Not pissed / just thrown and bummed (sounds like a fine Saturday night to me, HONEY. ifykyk).

In being thrown, however, I've been jolted into reality. Like when you've been driving on the highway at night for too long and "time travel" / get brought back to the driver's seat by some song or some lights or some car or some animal. And honestly: it's fierce. 

I'm even more awake than usual - and just in time to enjoy not dealing with the mess of shit I was dealing with in December! Hellyeah. Let's hear it for timing. 

++++++

I've got an impending dinner with my sis from another miss and it can 
not
happen
soon enough. 

We were supposed to see each other in April! Nearly a month ago, now, and I'm DYING. It's such a damn privilege having friends like this in one's life. One's nearby. One's in NY. And one will be having dinner with me - God willing - tomorrow. 

++++++

I'm running again! It's real slow-goin', but we're gettin' there. I forgot how good it feels to run out whatever dumb frustrations and have a clearer head (and some endorphins for your troubles).

Maybe I'll go for a run today <3 

December?? Brain Dump

I refreshed our home in autumn and... haven't cleaned a single thing since!

DAMN this bit of the year has seemed devilishly unruly - I assure you in the least sexy of ways. Appointments for me, for my mother, for work. Researching/learning about new stuff for work, for property taxes, for health care. Following up and emergency landing certain things that were well-clear-enough to begin with but some people just like to be annoying/difficult... at work, on behalf of my mother... Trying like hell to connect with N & E in between also trying to not get sick / hydrate well / sleep well / eat well / don't drink / don't smoke... as much.../ keep up with yoga but also skipping yoga class when I'm feeling overwhelmed and like: if my body has to enter and exit one more bloody establishment, it will surely wither away and perish before thine very eyes.

Everything feels very good and lucky, but far more adult than I was ready for. 

It was nice to have a proper family gathering with N's fam for Thanksgiving and it'll be just as nice to go back and visit for Xmas. I have actually quite gotten into the spirit of Xmas this year via decorations from the Dollar Tree & Dollar General. Cheap and lovely. Just like me. There may be no logical place to house the twinkle lights, but dammit I had fun. And it does add a certain coziness. Best of all: there isn't much to it, so I'm hoping it won't be a behemoth of an undertaking to put it all away before next year. (And if some gets ruined throughout the interim: everything was a dollar. The activity of decorating was more than worth the price, already.)

Small victories: 

    *    I have started planning out my meals well (again) and packing a lunch box for myself for work! It's already saved me money I surely would've spent at Forage last week. Let's see how long I can keep it going!

    *    I have started drinking coconut water (thank you, N, in all your wisdom & glory) and have found a relatively affordable hydration powder with no fake sugars to plop into one of my glasses of water for the season! And thank goodness - all the forced heat, environmental change and seasonal dehydration was rearing its ugly head, for sure. 

    *    I may be skipping free yoga class next door for the moment, but there's always the option to pop back in when the weather warms and I'm feeling more up to being social after work. And for now? I've at least been keeping up with my chiro-prescribed stretches as home / in the office. 

    *    Face / skincare regime: on point! Teeth: brushed twice, flossed once to twice and mouthwashed twice a day on average!

Random ongoings:

    *    Have to follow up on the Dental / Vision insurance I applied for (I'M GROWING UP)

    *    " " that random credit Progressive owes me in check-form

    *    " " that possible property tax exemption my mother may be owed

...I think that's about it.
Looking forward to family stuff on Xmas w/ N,

to NYE (because I always am),

to my annual 13-card-tarot-pull,

to having proper coverage and getting established in the tooth & eye care department.

Ready to say farewell to this year and ring in a new one.  ...although taxes are gonna be messy af.